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I’m Happy

Ask my Facebook friends and they’ll tell you I can stop posting about having good days…and unlike some folks on the interwebs who post things that they wish were true (for whatever reason), I really do continue to have good days…for a very simple reason…I’m freaking happy…

I feel like I’m figuring out my life…I’m about a week out from the one year anniversary of the day my divorce was finalized, and I feel like 360 (or so) days later, I’ve finally gotten good at life…

The boys are – well, they’re boys…that pretty much tells you everything you need to know, right?  But I can handle it…I don’t fall into despair…I don’t pull my hair out…I do contemplate a trade with gypsies every now and then…

Financially, I’m still broke – but I’m not scared…if you’ve ever been so broke you were terrified, you know what that feels like…I’m finally moving forward with my life…it’s still tight, sure…but I don’t spend time lamenting how hard it is or the what-ifs (I hate the what-ifs – they can haunt your ass if you’re not careful)…I feel like I’m moving forward instead of standing still or even going backwards…

People have come in to my life that I never expected…and that makes me happy…makes me glow…makes me feel more myself than I ever have…everyone should be so lucky to connect with people who get you at your core…and like you for it…

I don’t have anything insightful, meaningful, or even funny to say about it…I’m happy – plain and simple…

Today Was A Good Day

It didn’t start out as a good day…I had a big misunderstanding with a friend of mine…that’s what happens when most of your talking is online – can’t see facial expressions, body language, or know when they even leave the room…I woke up mad – as hell…

I came to work, determined to hide away and nurse my hurt feelings…it’s better, for my co-workers, if I’m behind closed doors on days when I’m like this…

A coworker came up to me while I was getting my breakfast together, while I was still fuming and stewing, and said, “I needed to pay it forward.”  I looked at her in confusion, and she handed me a bag – filled with goodies, just for me…I almost cried…

Too many emotions at once, and I had to hide in my office…I talked to her while she was eating lunch, thanking her profusely…of course, I asked, “Why?”

“Because I see what you go through, and I’ve been a single mom, but not with little ones,” she said.  “And everyone needs encouragement sometimes.  You’re doing a good job, and you need to know that.”

Ok, I can’t even type it right now without crying…can you imagine how I was when she said it?  It was the sweetest, most beautiful thing I’ve ever heard…and it was random…she didn’t have to do that…and now I know I need to pay it forward when I can…

To make the day even better, I had an official business meeting with Cool Chick today…and of course, we sort of got off topic, but it was still business…she should come hang out more often…she’s someone I relate to, but also someone I look up to…she’s had it rougher, been through far more, and she’s built something for herself that’s enviable…I guess I want to be like her when I grow up…oh, and of course the fact that she’s straightforward as hell and not really afraid to tell someone to kiss her ass holds a little appeal, too…

Anyway, today shouldn’t have been a great day…but it was…I’m ending today with a glass of really good wine, a couple of pieces of dark chocolate, and a smile on my face…everyone should be so fortunate…

A Great Day

Yesterday, Saturday, the last day of June – for anyone in a time warp – was a great day…it was a long day, but it was a great day!

For us, a typical Saturday is errands, lunch, Sean’s nap, more errands, and then just chilling until bedtime…this time, I made actual plans with friends that didn’t involve small children the entire time!  A breakthrough, I know…

I’m sorry but a movie filled with half-naked, beautiful men is worth a long-term, strategic plan known as “Operation The Dad Will Participate.”  In less than 24 hours, I got The Ex to agree to watch the boys, my bestie from high school to agree to come visit me, and made plans for Mom #2, Bestie, and myself to go see Magic Mike…yep, I’m awesome…ha!

Saw the movie, did the dinner thing with the boys, went back home, and Bestie and I stayed up talking until 1am – when he left to go back to Mississippi…

We hadn’t seen one another since 2003, and thank God for Facebook or we never would have reconnected – we never seem to be in Mississippi visiting at the same time…so we had a lot to catch up on…

And after nine years, we can still talk about anything and everything…damn, I miss him already!  What struck me was the ease in which he just jumped in and helped me while we were out with the boys – and that the boys responded to him so well…they normally have major stranger-danger with men, but not Bestie…he was getting Sean out of the car for me, offering to help me carry stuff (be surprised – I declined his offers), whatever I needed…wow.  I’m not used to that anymore…

I think of all the years I spent isolating myself from people I truly care about…what a waste!  I have some damn good friends in this world, and I’m not going to let genuine friendships slip away again…it’s nice to feel a little less alone in the world…

Bittersweet Weekend

It was great – because it happened…it sucked – because it ended…

I saw everyone I wanted to see this weekend…and I was completely content…until I wasn’t because I was impatient to get to see the next person…have I ever mentioned that I’m not a patient person?

The weekend didn’t really go like I planned at all…torrential downpours and stressful lives will do that…but when I put my silly disappointment to the side, it was exactly what it needed to be – a chance to spend time with people I love beyond belief…

And while I was filled with frantic energy on Friday – gotta get there, let’s get there, are we there yet?, Saturday and Sunday were peaceful because I still had time…it was Monday that hurt…I’m never ready to leave…a part of me goes missing when I leave…a part of my internal puzzle…I’m not complete anymore – functional, yes, but incomplete…

The reality is that only one thing stands in the way of my own happiness…a J-O-B…if I had one of those, I’d be back there in a heartbeat…the one I have right now isn’t one you walk away from without a damn good reason…and in this economy, you don’t ever walk away from a job without another one waiting (hell, you don’t do that in any economy)…

I cried for the first hour that I drove back…for multiple reasons – and they all know who they are…and then I did what I always do…I set it to the side because I have to be able to function…and wallowing in my own self pity and misery aren’t conducive to that, thankyouverymuch!

So I’m back at it…tomorrow is another day…I’m learning to find peace with myself, by myself…I’m reminding myself that those darling children don’t really need to be sold to the gypsies, although, I am often tempted…and I’ll look forward to the next opportunity to complete my puzzle – even if it’s just for a few minutes…

It’s Not About Me…Until It Is

I’m sitting here, in this very moment, fidgeting with nervous energy…because I know that in less than 24 hours I will be speeding down the highway to Mississippi…I still find it strange that it’s a place I want to go…I spent so many years trying to get the hell out of there, and now I can’t wait to go back…strange…

Technically, this weekend getaway has very little to do with me…family is coming in from Germany, and I want to make sure the boys get to see them since visits are so rare…and even though it’s only been a month, my mother desperately misses the boys…and of course the boys adore going to Mississippi…so really, I’m performing a public service, of sorts…

Apparently, I’m a bit of an opportunist…Friday – mom, Saturday – BFF, Sunday – This Man…the weekend isn’t supposed to have anything to do with me…but I’m making damn sure to take care of myself, too…so it’s not really about me – until it is…

The Ex has been his usual self, which means nonexistent…and of course it still annoys me…until I realized that his idiocy isn’t actually directed at me…it’s directed at the boys…I was angry with him the other day, and felt like a truck hit me when I realized I was angry for the wrong reasons…I was angry because he’s an idiot…when in fact, I should be angry on the boys’ behalf…except they seem to be mentally moving away from him…they last about 30 seconds on the phone with him…and they’re done, moved on…in a way it’s very sad…but I’d rather them feel nothing instead of hurting all the time…

Realizing that I don’t need to be angry with him on my own behalf actually made the anger disappear…the boys aren’t upset (because they appear not to care), so why should I be?  Being upset with him isn’t going to change anything…and it makes me crazy…I’m glad I made this about the boys – instead of me.

Life is so much easier when it’s not all about me…

Simple Pleasures

It really is all about the simple pleasures in life.  I can name a long list of things I would consider simple pleasures that aren’t happening yet…but I’d rather focus on the simple pleasures that I do have…

  • My air conditioning is fixed! It’s been out since Saturday and last night it crept up to 85 degrees.  I slept on top of the covers last night!  For those of you in more temperate climates or in parts of the globe where it’s winter, Florida is HOT right now and will only get hotter. Feeling the cold air as I walked in the door this afternoon was sheer bliss!
  • I’ll see my mom Friday night!  We’ve already planned a picnic dinner on the beach with the boys and a couple of small outings on Saturday.  I don’t really give a crap what we do…I just want to be there.
  • I’ll see BFF Saturday night!  Other than helping my technologically-impaired friend with a small project, we won’t do much except drink wine and talk…and that sounds pretty damn perfect to me!  (Psst, BFF, I need Moscato, please…)
  • And Sunday night, I’ll see This Man! We have no firm plans, and I don’t really care.  I’ll sound weird when I say this, but I really am happy just sitting in his living room, hanging out.
  • Oh yeah, and both boys are healthy again!  Sean had those diarrhea issues from last week, and this week, the heat in the house made Aidan sick for two days…this afternoon, everyone seems back to normal.  (I promise, I made no pact with the devil for an illness-free weekend…well…)

I’ve always been the person to encourage others to think positively, but I never really applied it to myself.  I’m great at dishing out the advice and pretty crappy at taking it – there, I admitted it!  But, purposefully focusing on the good in my life really has made a difference.  That’s not to say it’s all PollyAnna crap over here…there are still moments I contemplate selling my children to the gypsies…and I’m still sarcastic as hell, and get cranky and whiny every so often…but I don’t let it bring me so far down that I can’t function…

I’ll take my simple pleasures in life and be damn happy with them, thankyouverymuch!

The Benjamin Boys Have Fun

Aidan finished 1st grade on Friday…why does that make me feel old?  I’m not old…he’s still just a little boy…but 2nd grade sounds like a big kid grade, doesn’t it?

With a desire for a good weekend for him and hell, just a good weekend for us all, I purposely kept us running the roads all weekend.

Aidan got his very own library card!

We had some water fun Saturday afternoon.

Aidan loved the splash pad…Sean loved the park.

Today, we started out with errands and ended at the beach.

Sean screamed for the first 30 minutes.  And then something clicked in his head, and he realized he loved it!

See what I mean?

And we had frozen yogurt for dinner…yes, that’s what I said…I let two little boys eat crap for dinner.  Special treats are supposed to be special, right?

Mom #2 came with me for today’s adventure, thankfully.  Aidan and Sean are my water babies, and I could never have kept up with them both by myself.

For the first time EVER I really don’t want this weekend to end…even with the whining, the diarrhea (yes, it’s an ongoing thing), and few small tantrums, I had a great time this weekend!  And from the looks on their faces for most of the weekend, so did the boys.

Feeling Overly Emotional

The past few days have been insane…in some really great ways and in some really crappy ways…

I worked hard all week and ended Friday with a bang…it’s gratifying to have what I do appreciated…I ended an extremely long work-day with something I never do…I just chilled out with people not my children…in the arm-twisting process that Cool Chick went through to get me to agree, I ended up admitting to people that my life is mostly work and home…I don’t like to talk about that outside of family because it’s depressing…and although I have a very public blog, I really am a private person (yes, I get the irony of that, too)…

I spent way too much time around The Ex this week…waaaaaaaaay too much time…Thursday night we fought, because I finally decided to lay it all out for him about the boys…he immediately became defensive and we argued…Friday night he was way too emotional for my taste…he says he misses me, loves me, blah blah blah…what he misses is the life he had…

He even had the audacity to blame me for his lack of relationship with the boys…because I’m the one who wanted a divorce…are you kidding me, dude? Really?!

I came very close to considering turning my blog into an anonymous blog and not allowing anyone who knows me to read it – or at least not to know it’s me…I’m not going to because I’m not ashamed of anything I say here and I don’t really have anything in this blog that I wouldn’t want someone to read…but I would prefer that before anyone forms an opinion about my blog that they actually read the damn thing first…

All of this has me on the cusp of some emotional breakdown…I’m not there, but I can feel it simmering beneath the surface…one more thing, and I’ll crack…I really don’t want to crack…

My Heart Is In Mississippi

I have felt off since Monday…

At first I thought it was from leaving This Man – which I really hate…I hate it when he leaves me more, though…there’s a certain amount of perceived control when you’re the one driving away (at least in my mind)…

Then for half a second I thought I really was missing the boys…except the peace and quiet have been freaking awesome…I haven’t changed my routine too much because I don’t want to get used to something I can’t maintain…but to come and go as I please is a luxury I’d forgotten about…

And this morning, it hit me like a ton of bricks…my whole heart is in Mississippi…

My mom is in Mississippi…

My BFF is in Mississippi…

This Man is in Mississippi…

And now my boys are in Mississippi…

Don’t get me wrong…I have good friends here with me – Mom #2 and Big Brother come to mind immediately…except we all have our own separate lives…we aren’t interwoven into the fabric of each other’s lives the way I am with Mama, BFF, and This Man…they are my family…technically, I could show up at 2am and they’d still love me (if they woke up enough to let me inside)…I could call anyone of them in the middle of the night for help (but only if I had no other option – I don’t call myself independent for nothin’)…

I didn’t notice it before because the boys are always with me, so I always have family around me…family that is totally dependent on me, runs me ragged, makes me crazy, and need to be raised, but at least it’s family…without them here, I have no one with me…and I don’t like it…I’ve never felt so isolated before  – this is soul-crushing.  I now know that if I didn’t have the boys, I’d do nothing but work…it’s all I have…

The Step and my mom told me I should move back to Mississippi months ago…and I fought them…because I needed to prove to myself, the world, The Ex, and anyone else that I could do it on my own…that I didn’t need constant support and help.  And I’ve done it…experiment attempted and theory proven: Michaela can function and raise two children with limited support and help.

And what I learned is that yeah, I can do it – but it sucks.  And I don’t want to be alone anymore…and I don’t want to do it all anymore…and today, I learned that my whole heart is in Mississippi…and without it, the pain is unbearable…

 

Last Week’s Hell Was Worth It…

I started smiling at 5:15am on Saturday and didn’t stop until about 9:45pm on Sunday…I only hit the snooze button once on Saturday and the morning routine was the smoothest it’s been in months…the boys didn’t fuss…I wasn’t stressed or worried…I was anxious to get there, though…

Saturday morning was with my mom…Saturday afternoon and night was all BFF and margaritas…oh hell, the margaritas!

Sunday was This Man…and it was perfect…I was the most relaxed and content I’ve ever been…there were no worries, no stresses…just blissful time spent together away from our real lives…and no, I’m not giving details – I don’t kiss and tell…

I stopped smiling at 9:45pm because that’s when I needed to leave…he had things to do, and I needed to be back home for a meeting this morning…and I felt like I was being punched in the gut…I felt like a part of me was being ripped in half…

I listen to my instinct, my gut, to get me through life…and every fiber of my being said not to leave…not because something bad was going to happen, but because it was wrong…I do what I’m supposed to do whether I want to or not all the time…this was no different…

I cried…I hugged him…I drove away, sniffling…and then I do what I do best – I put my emotions to the side, buried them where they couldn’t hurt me, and moved on…life has to go on regardless of what I might want to happen…

But I miss my mom…I miss BFF…and I miss This Man…and my world no longer feels quite as right as it did this weekend…

Every temper tantrum, every aggravation, every moment of The Ex’s idiocy last week was worth it for 2 days of life being right.

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