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Celebrating My Way

I never have been one to do things the way other people do them…I’ve noticed that about myself.  I have to take the hard road more often than not…if something seems too easy, I don’t trust it…sad but true…

So of course, I can’t even do the good things the way other people might do them…guess that’s what makes me unique (or something like that)…tonight I am sitting in my house with two small sleeping (thank GOD!) children, drinking a glass of wine, talking to friends and family on the phone and in Facebook, and truly celebrating my single-ness. 

I’m not celebrating the divorce…divorces are sad (so I’ve been told)…I’m celebrating a new chapter…a new beginning…and as always, I’m doing it my way…the day will come when I can let go the way I need and want to, until then, though, I will create my own happiness and my own memories in the only way I know how – my way.

I don’t know what the future holds…I don’t know if I’ll find “the one” or if I’ll be the crazy cat lady or if I’ll wind up a cougar (hopefully a hot one instead of a scary one)…I have no idea…and for the first time in my life, I’m sort of okay with that…it’s a new day…a blank slate…my future is unwritten and it’s up to me to fill the pages.

I care about my boys, my family, and my friends…I have no time or patience for…well, for bullshit…I’ll take genuine friendship over false relationships any day…if you want to celebrate with me, raise your glass…it is a new day in the life of Independent Michaela…

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I Got A New Attitude

I’ve noticed lately that I’m more lighthearted…I laugh more easily…I smile a whole hell of a lot…and being the person I am, I can’t just accept it and move on. No, I must dissect it and try to figure out what it means…

I still have all the same problems and worries that I’ve had…I still have all the same stressors…but in a way, I’m happier than I’ve ever been.  I’m much more comfortable being alone…I’m used to bearing the load everyday – it feels normal, now…

But I’m also very realistic about myself…I’m a moody Scorpio, and I know it…I think way too much…I dwell…I worry…I plan…

I’m surrounding myself with people who bring out the best in me…who allow me to be me, but care enough about me not to let me get bogged down…right now, it’s a very small group…but I’m also putting some of my natural shyness to the side and trying to engage with the world a little…

Here’s what I’ve noticed about the people in my group – They let me be silly..they encourage it, actually. They make me laugh – mostly at myself. They show me their true selves, which lets me be my true self with them.

I love to laugh…I love to be silly…I love to be a rowdy girl…for however long it lasts, I’m a happy happy girl!

I Might Be A Romantic…Or Maybe Not

I’ve never considered myself a romantic.  I think I’m a realist.  I’ve been called a cynic and a pessimist.

I think…a lot…about a lot of stuff.  I think about the past.  I think about the present.  And (being the planner that I am) I think about the future…a lot.  When I’m thinking about the future, it’s with the complete understanding that whatever I plan for is probably NOT what will occur.  But planning puts me at ease, even if I never use the plan, even if I have to come up with a new plan on the spot, even if the plan fails and I have to try again…regardless of all that, just knowing I have a plan makes me feel better.  Therefore, I spend a lot of time thinking about what’s on the horizon.

That, however, does NOT apply to why I think I’m a romantic. I have no interest in a relationship right now (hell, I am still married).  I know that the best thing for me is to figure me out and make sure to have a little fun along the way while enjoying my relative independence.   But when I’m lost in my head, and even when I’m not, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I will not spend the rest of my life alone…I will not be the cat lady.  Whoever it is that I’m supposed to be with into my golden years is out there…I feel silly for even admitting it because I’m so freaking practical most of the time.  And let me say again, I am NOT looking for that person right now…

That being said, I’m not sure how I’ll get to that point…I’m intimidated by attractive people (because I don’t consider myself attractive)…and I’m naturally shy.  Bad combination, if you ask me.  So, when I meet someone new, my defense mechanisms are front and forward – I’m a sarcastic smack-talker…it’s almost a test, I guess…if you choose to get past the shield or if you’re just naturally good at giving as good as you get, then I’m less intimidated and very intrigued…every once in a while, I meet someone I just connect with, and none of the above applies…

But, I also don’t go looking for that kind of thing…I believe things that are meant to be will happen when the time is right.  No need to force anything…and I prefer to have real friends over temporary romances…

Let me go back to something I just said, because I can hear my mom and friends now…I don’t think I’m pretty, beautiful, whatever.  Not because I have low self-esteem…I’m extremely confident in myself, but I don’t pin my confidence on my looks.  I know how to accentuate the good about myself and downplay the things I don’t like…I am not ugly (at least in my opinion)…but I am never going to win a beauty contest…and that’s ok.  I’m not sure why every woman laments her looks privately but can’t say it publicly without being accused of having low self esteem.

I think very highly of myself…I just place value on different things – I’m intelligent, hard-working, trustworthy, loyal, funny (most of the time), strong, stubborn, you name it.  Hell, I lost a ton of weight, became a runner, gained muscle, and am on track to do it all again – that’s not something the whole world can claim.  That being said, when I’m around someone who is “classically” good-looking, I become aware of my lack of beauty…so I tend to avoid those people…or, like I said before, become a sarcastic smack-talker…

So I guess, maybe I’m not a romantic and I’m too practical for my own good…but I still have hope and confidence in the future…and whatever it may bring…

Everybody Needs A Cheering Section

I came to a few realizations today.  I come to new realizations everyday but today was particularly enlightening.

I have always believed, and am now committed to, only allowing the people who want to see me succeed into my inner circle.  I’m referring to those people who will push me to be my best and will help me succeed by giving me all the encouragement and support they can – all the while knowing I will do the same for them.

Everyone deserves to have a cheering section; people who want to see you succeed.  I am discovering that I have that – I had it all along and never paid attention. 

While I’m in the process of trying to overcome my own shyness and insecuries, I’ve also had to accept that overtures of friendships that are ignored are NOT worth pursuing.  If that person isn’t interested, why am I killing myself to make them notice me?

I have a few philosophies in life that I’ve adopted recently: never make someone a priority when they only consider you an option (thanks Mark Twain for that gem!); don’t chase!! (my horoscope came in handy one day); and I won’t compete – I don’t want to fight and elbow my way through the crowd just to get someone’s attention.

I also (sadly) had to let go of a silly crush today.  First of all, why I had a crush on someone is beyond me – I’m not in high school!! Second, I am in NO way ready to even pursue a relationship (hello, I’m still married!).  But there you go, I had a crush on someone who doesn’t know I’m alive.  Thankfully his obvious total lack of interest in me brought me crashing to my senses today. 

It goes back to the “don’t chase” philosophy.  When the day comes (many, many, MANY moons from now) that I’m actually ready for a relationship, I will not settle for someone who has to be convinced to pay attention me.  I am a better woman than that, and I will always deserve better than that.

I just re-read what I’ve written, and it sounds like I’ve had a bad day or that I’m trying to make some sort of statement.  I haven’t and I’m not.  I’ve had an epiphany – one that came with a few growing pains, but an epiphany nonetheless.  I deserve better than I’ve had and only I can make sure I receive better than I’ve gotten.

Here’s what I’m trying to achieve:

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