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Perception Is Reality? For Who?

I am sick and tired of the expression, “Perception is reality.” The only time anyone seems to use it is when they’re directing the saying to someone (usually me) who questions why a person or group of people did not logically think through something and instead jumped to conclusions, WRONG conclusions…

I don’t think all of my perceptions and assumptions are true…for the most part I assume that they aren’t…I am constantly trying to see the other side of the story, so I can give someone else the benefit of the doubt, because I know that there are two sides to every situation…I know I don’t always know the whole story, so I try to keep that in mind…apparently, I’m the only one in the world who does that…

I defend people I admire and respect because I know I don’t always understand their motives or thoughts, but I trust that they are doing the best they can…and I hope they have some plan that I just don’t understand…

And yet, sometimes I know things very concretely…I know when I’m being taken for granted…I can feel it in my bones…and I’m tired of making excuses for it, simply because I know that isn’t the intention…screw that…if perception is reality, as I am so often reminded, then it is what it is…

Sometimes seeing the world in shades of gray is more curse than gift…giving the benefit of the doubt is sometimes treated like a weakness…but I tend to be right more often than I’m wrong – because I believed there was another side…and this is me, the chick who doesn’t trust anyone…at what point am I going to be given that luxury? Never, apparently…

I’m accused of being controlling…or of expecting too much…or not being grateful enough…or a million other things…and hell, perception is reality, right?

Ok, rant over…

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Frustrated

There are times when I feel like I spend my life frustrated…sometimes it’s because my expectations are either too high or not fully thought out…sometimes its because I’m looking for easy – and that almost never happens…

On the one hand, I’m that person who believes that anything in life worth having is worth working hard for – meaning that very little comes easy, and I wouldn’t trust it if it did…on the other hand, I have been told, and want to believe, that if you’re on the path you should be, doors will often open that you don’t expect…

All I want to do is move…I want to get out of this house (it goes on the market in the next day or so…know anyone who just can’t wait to live in a little town called Crestview, FL?)…I want to move closer to work…I want to pay a little less each month – because I’m freaking drowning over here, and something’s got to give…but silly me, I also want to feel safe wherever I live and have enough space for 2 rowdy little boys to be, well, rowdy little boys…apparently, I’m asking for a miracle…

I’m filled with doubts – can this space hold most of our stuff? I don’t have a lot of stuff but I think the beds, couch, and kitchen table are essential items, and dammit, wherever I live should be able to hold at least that…Is this area safe?  Would we ever actually leave during the day, and how would I feel if I brought them home to this late at night??

Is this the right place for us?  I’m a big believer that you know when something feels right – and when it doesn’t…and I should wait for it to feel right…but I’m feeling pressured from my own deadline – November 1.  Why November 1? Because 8 days later, I’ll be in Anaheim, CA for 5 days…and right after that it’s balls to the wall until February at work…this is the perfect time…except the perfect place isn’t materializing…and I’m filled with self-doubt…

I’m making a major decision which affects my children…and I need to get it right…this isn’t something I can half-ass or just make work…the safety of the boys (and my perception of their safety) is too important…which is why I found myself driving around town this afternoon after looking at yet another really crappy option, lost in thought, mentally panicking…I was almost back at work when I realized I hadn’t returned the key to the rental company…

I’ve made plenty of decisions for our family in the past few months, but none like this…I’m uprooting Aidan from his school, I’m taking Sean away from a daycare that adores him, to do what? Put them in some crap hole-in-the-wall just so I can get away from my own personal demons?  Am I being selfish?  Couldn’t I just toughen up a little, tighten the belt a little more, and deal with it?

Intellectually, I know the answers…but if I screw up this decision, what does that say about everything else that comes after?  I’m responsible for this family, for two little boys who are looking to me to keep everything right in their world…I just want a safe, decent, affordable home…how can that be so damn hard?

If You Don’t Have Anything Nice To Say, Just Shut Up!

I wasn’t even planning on blogging tonight.  I had a decent day.  Work was busy (yay!), the boys were well-behaved this afternoon (YAY!), and something I listed on Craigslist finally sold (BIG YAY!).  Life was good – what’s to blog about?  Actually, that’s probably the worst attitude to have because I shouldn’t just post something when I’m at one extreme or another…knowing that I have “normal” days might make me seem less neurotic…

But I’m confused about something, and I’m wondering if I’m the exception to the rule, or if I’m naive…or if I’m right to cock my head to the side, squint, and say, “WTF?”

My mama taught me that if you don’t have something nice to say about someone, you shouldn’t say anything.  Thumper taught me that, too…And let me be clear, as far as I know, no one is saying anything about me (and if they are, I don’t want to know)…but I keep finding out that there are people in the world who have no problems disparaging people, places, ideas, whatever, just because they can.  And I don’t get it.

I don’t understand what random negativity gains people.  Yes, I have had a moment of frustration when I’m sure I’ve said something less-than-flattering about someone else.  But I’ve never sought out another person solely to be negative about anything.  Isn’t that tiring?  Even when I purposefully have to say something negative, my management training from years ago kicks in – say something positive, talk about the negative (sometimes referred to as “opportunities”), and then end with something positive.

With the craziness in my own personal life, I’ve made the conscious decision NOT to be negative (even when I really, REALLY want to)…negativity always comes back to haunt you.  Why bring that on yourself? 

Venting (in my book) doesn’t count.  Venting your frustrations to someone who cares about you but is not directly involved is healthy (at least, that’s how I justify it to myself).  If I didn’t vent sometimes, I’d probably explode.  But even a good vent shouldn’t be filled with meanness (is that a word?)…

So I guess I would love to understand…why?   What purpose does pure, unadulterated negativity serve?

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