Blog Archives

Not Looking Back

I did a favor for The Ex today…partly for him…partly because it could potentially benefit me (I’m not an idiot)…but it required that I go back to the old house – the house still on the market…it was harder than I thought it would be…

I agreed to go searching for his birth certificate in our old shed – a shed he filled with his few worldly possessions before he left town a couple of months ago – on Wednesday or so…I dreaded it all week…it messed with my head a little bit…

The dread turned into emotional baggage by Saturday…I cried a lot – for no good reason…this morning, getting ready to go, my stomach hurt…by the time we got on the road, I was in agony…it’s just a house now – none of my things are there…but I haven’t been back on nearly a year (one week until the year anniversary of my move, actually)…

I wondered if it would look different…I wondered if new neighbors would notice the strange car, the strange woman, the loud children…

I pulled onto a side street that I could probably navigate in my sleep…every nerve in my body was at attention, just waiting for…something…I pulled down our old road…the boys chattered away about “our house.” It stung to hear, but I forget they don’t have bad memories attached to it like I do…to them, it was a house they were growing up in, with loving parents, a dog, a life they enjoyed…

I never found his birth certificate…I found mice droppings, a gigantic bug, and lots of leaves…but not what I came for…I texted The Ex to let him know, packed up the boys, and drove off…I didn’t look back…

I could feel myself getting mired down in the weight of that old life…I had a 50 pound weight on my chest…I felt tears stinging my eyes…

And then…

Aidan: “Tell me to fart, Sean!”

Sean: “Fart, Aidan!”

Aidan: “Blphhhhhht!”

Followed by peals of delighted laughter…

Thank you, boys, for keeping it real for me…that place is a part of the past…I won’t forget it, but I won’t dwell on it either…driving away from town, the weight lifted…

I’m only looking forward now…

Life Is Life

Here’s something I know about myself…I take things (and people) very seriously…sometimes too seriously.  One rough day in life, at work, at home, you name it and any feelings of hope or optimism that I felt the day before vanish…today was that day…

As tired as I was yesterday, I still managed to clean, to accomplish things, to make plans, to feel hope about the future – on different levels…today…one rough day later, and I couldn’t even manage a decent conversation with BBFF…I was grumpy, I was anxious, I was mopey…I felt unappreciated…I felt unloved…I felt unimportant…nothing was good enough, nothing was right…life sucked…

Except it really doesn’t, and I know it doesn’t.  Life is life…good, bad, and ugly…when I stepped outside of myself and looked in, I saw how ridiculous I was being…it’s a day…one day…tomorrow will be better…or at least the same…even if it’s bad, it’s still ok…

I have things to look forward to…I have things to make happen…I have plans…I have dreams…I have a life to live.

Surprising Myself…

I had the best conversation with my mom Saturday night.  Four hours of non-stop talking – we laughed, we cried, we laughed ’til we cried.  It was our first chance to really talk since I split with Almost Ex, went through some major drama, and filed for divorce. You can understand why it lasted 4 hours…if we hadn’t been so tired, we probably would have talked even longer.

In the course of our conversation (and it was all over the place), I admitted that I have a lot of plans for my future.  She wasn’t surprised that I would push myself so hard, but wondered why now.  And I had to admit that now that I’m almost officially single, I have started feeling like the impossible really is possible.

I surprised myself, but not my mother.  She pointed out that in the days before Almost Ex, I was busy-busy, always seeking higher goals for myself.  Maybe that’s why all this activity feels so natural.

For years, I was bogged down in the day-to-day monotony of my life (I take full responsibility on that one) and never could look further into my future than the next paycheck.  Now that I’ve faced the reality that I am the only one who will get me to the life I want to have (and that I want my children to have), I feel renewed.  Nothing can stand in my way. To quote one friend on Facebook, “Life is spectacular!”

%d bloggers like this: