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Am I Really THAT Girl?

I realized today that I’m one of those women that men complain talk about when they say women say yes when they mean no…damn it…

For whatever reason, Mother’s Day has been on my mind a lot…there’s very little I can do for my own mom, but I will do everything I can to make sure she knows she’s loved and appreciated…the boys will do whatever projects the school/daycare offers and it will be very sweet…

But I haven’t been able to stop thinking about how The Ex (before he was The Ex) never made any holiday a priority, and especially not Mother’s Day…there were never gifts…there were never projects with the boys to help them make or do something…we didn’t have a lot of money, so sometimes, when I decided to make it clear I wanted something, I would ask for a clean house or dinner – guess how that went…no, go ahead…

And then I remind myself that I’m the one who, when asked, will tell people I don’t need a gift…don’t bother…don’t go to the expense…it’s not important…you name it…and in the moment, when I say that, I really do mean it…because I don’t think I’m worth the extra expense…I know how hard it is to hold onto money, so when asked, I will always demur and say no…

But, I don’t think I really mean it…I do want someone to think that the occasion is special enough that I deserve something…except deserve sounds so damn selfish…I want someone to disregard the no gift is necessary thing…ignore me and get me something anyway…except how can I expect someone to read my mind? And I really don’t like to be ignored…

The fact that I miss something I’ve never had seems to be my own fault…and I’m own worst enemy…

I can hear the advice now…but I don’t think this is just about me being able to ask for what I want…I think it’s also a matter of believing it’s ok for someone to spend money on me, to give me something I didn’t necessarily earn…

Why I’m preoccupied with this now that I’m single and it doesn’t matter, I don’t know…chalk that up to another confusing thing about women, I guess…

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