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Forgiveness

Ok, wow, really long post…only the really determined will make it through. It’s okay if you’re not that determined.

I am a typical Scorpio…given to extremes, stubborn to a fault, loyal beyond all measure, but once I’m done with you, I’m done.

I have often said that I can forgive, but I can’t forget…which is why once you lose my trust (if you ever even had it), you can’t get it back…I might not have anymore animosity towards you, but I’ll never give you my trust again…

I’ve never had to really forgive anyone before…I’ve never been so angry, hurt, upset, damaged by someone’s actions that it required forgiveness on my part…not real forgiveness…not the kind that you have to agonize over but once you decide to do it, you feel the weight of it leave you…until today…

Today, I mentally forgave The Ex…and once the time comes, I will try to legally forgive him, too…

The worst time of my life, the lowest point I’ve ever been at, was the eight weeks after I told The Ex I wanted a divorce…I’ve dealt with the death of my father…was there when the decision was made to take him off life support…was there when he took his last breath…and it was somehow easier than those weeks with The Ex…

In those eight weeks, I came as close to being abused as I hope I ever come again…mostly emotional and mental…when I think back on some of those episodes, I feel very shaky inside…scared…like the Boogeyman’s going to jump out at me…I tend not to think too much about it…the last time was by far the mildest of everything, but it was bigger and there were witnesses to the aftermath…I had no choice but to call the authorities…I’m glad I had no choice…I think if I had been alone, I would have kept my mouth shut, cleaned my house, and attempted to put back the pieces by myself…and I would be the worse for it today…

For the first time, The Ex had to suffer the consequences of his emotional, impulsive actions…and that’s really what it was, I think…they’re the worst possible traits in a person, in my opinion – both emotional and impulsive…when I see it in another person, I run screaming from it…I’m terrified of that combination…because it’s never meant good things for me…but none of what he did was the plan of a criminal or a bad person…it was childish, willful, horrible, gut-wrenching…and I’m the one who felt guilty about it…the day I gave up guilt over The Ex was one of the first times I had felt good since February 13

Everything that’s happened between us has changed me in different ways…I think it’s made me stronger on some levels…I know it’s made me feel more vulnerable…it definitely made me question myself…and question love…the recurring thought that ran through my head was, “How do you do something like this to someone you love?  How can you say you love them and actually mean it?”…I naturally put up walls between myself and the world…I can’t even begin to describe how thick they are now…

I’ve spent a lot of time angry at The Ex…to the point that most days I can’t even speak to him without glaring or snapping…I’ve watched him make really bad choices…and now he’s struggling in a way I can’t even imagine…I can’t help him…not without going back to the dynamic we had in our marriage (I took care of everything and he let me)…and I don’t want to…he’s got to figure out how to make it on his own…and sometimes you have to start at the bottom…

But, I do have the chance to forgive him…and to ask that he be forgiven legally…that the charges be dropped…when he first mentioned it to me, I wasn’t sure…I was tempted but I didn’t know if I was considering it out of guilt (again)…I talked to my mom today…and as I was finally talking through it, I knew I had to forgive him…

What I want more than anything is to be free of everything from my marriage…I want to get out of this house…I want to move to another city…if I could afford it (and I can’t), I’d replace every dish, every pot, every piece of furniture, EVERYTHING…I want a clean slate with the boys…and I’m working on some of that…selling the house, moving closer to work…I still have to take all our crap with me, but I don’t have to hang on to the negative emotions…I decided to forgive him…and the moment I made that decision, I felt lighter…I had freed myself from something leftover from our marriage…

Real forgiveness is both hard and easy…hard to decide to do it, and easy to follow through once you’ve realized it’s the right thing to do…

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Not Winning Mother of the Year

I say that a lot as a joke…when I send Sean to daycare with a great lunch – but no spoon…when I nearly let Sean’s stroller fall into a pond at top speed…when I remembered formula for Aidan but not the bottle (that was years ago!)…

But this weekend, it’s for a completely different reason…I was over being around my boys by 9:00am on Saturday…I love them, adore them, would kill and die for them…but all I really wanted was for them to be quiet…cacophony is the only word I can use to describe my house this weekend…

Saturday, we couldn’t go anywhere because of Bubba, and the whole weekend was pretty much shot because of the weather – thanks Tropical Storm Lee…if we hadn’t desperately needed them, we probably wouldn’t have gone out for groceries on Sunday…but what I really wanted to do was run screaming from my house…

There was a brief reprieve when my mom and The Step brought Uncle Bert…but that was much too short…and I could still hear the noise…I have never wished for anything as much as I wished for bedtime tonight…I’m probably one of the few people on the planet who can’t wait to go back to work on Tuesday…

Both boys want and need my attention…and when they think the other (or anyone else) is getting too much, they crawl on top of me, get in my face, and don’t leave…if I get up from where we’re all sitting, they follow me…Aidan asks for a hug, and then never lets go…and it’s all normal stuff, especially considering the divorce…I know that, but this weekend it was harder to deal with than it should have been…

And I feel horrible about it…Mom Guilt is pretty powerful stuff, and it’s running at full force right now…Intellectually, I know the problem is that I haven’t had a true break in weeks…it doesn’t matter what I know in my head, though, if the guilt gets in the way…

Aidan and Sean really are sweet boys, but between being cooped up for the entire weekend and how I was feeling all weekend, it felt like I was trapped with little demon children who only wanted to wreak havoc and destroy my house…Sean had three separate temper tantrums today alone…crying that lasted at least 30 minutes each time…Aidan pushed every button I have, to the point that he now knows what happens when I finish counting to 5…

I know the “solutions” to my problems…1. Get a babysitter…what do I pay that person with? Magic beans? 2. Move closer to family…um, not just no, but hell no…I couldn’t wait to get out of MS when I left the first time to go to college…I only came back because I didn’t know where else to go after Daddy died. 3. Make The Ex do what he’s supposed to do…if I had ever been capable of that, we’d probably still be married. 4. Stop whining…I wanted this life, so I just need to deal with it…

I don’t have a real solution to the problem, so I guess I’ll go with option number 4…this weekend was hard…and there are plenty of other hard times ahead…but at least I get to leave them with people who get paid to do this someone else for a few hours tomorrow…I never wanted to win Mother of the Year, anyway…

Giving Up Guilt

I wanted to blog yesterday, but I was so deliriously tired at the end of the day, I couldn’t remember what I had on my mind…I remember waking up yesterday morning thinking, “Oh yes, that’s exactly it!” and ten minutes later whatever brilliant idea I had was gone…I needed sleep.   I don’t function well on 5 hours of sleep…

So last night, I slept.  And I look forward to repeating the process tonight. 🙂

Yesterday I completed the absolute last step in the divorce process.  The last form was filled out, notarized, and mailed off.  Now I have four to six weeks of waiting… And yet again, I felt…off.  Not depressed, not sad, not anything truly negative, but I didn’t feel like myself.  It dawned on me this morning that what I keep feeling is guilt…

 And I don’t understand, after everything that’s happened in the past 5 months, why I feel anything but relief…a lot of what I feel is probably perfectly normal – grief at the end of this chapter in my life, frustration at Almost Ex (was he really like this for the past 12 years?), loneliness when it gets too quiet, worry over how I’ll do the parenting thing on my own.  There’s still plenty to get through…but I made a decision this morning…

I’m done with the guilt.  Sure, there was plenty I could have done better during our marriage…but that’s not what happened and this is where we’re at…and as bad as I’ve hurt him, there is plenty of blame on his side, too…he’s said point blank he’s ready for this to be over and he doesn’t want to be married to me anymore.  Well, good…at least we’re finally on one accord…

So no more guilt…I’m giving it up.  I have enough on my mind…there’s no room in my life to feel anymore guilt over this…as in so many other areas in my life, I’m moving forward…and I’m excited about what the future holds…

Guilt Sucks

I have spent two days talking myself out of writing this blog and then convincing myself I should…that’s a lot of treadmill time, by the way. It’s not that what’s on my mind is so personal…it’s not word vomit…but rather, it’s the recurring worry of saying too much…worrying about what others might think…

I said before that I don’t want to be downer-girl…I don’t want to drag the room down…I also don’t want people to disapprove of me…that being said, the part of me that’s been hidden for so many years and is finally peeking her head out pretty much doesn’t give a shit what people think…it’s strange to have such warring thoughts in my head…

Ok, so for those people who, for whatever reason, don’t approve of what I say, but still click on my blog or stay long past the point that they realize they don’t like what I have to say, here’s something to distract you while I get this off my chest: here (think of me while watching it).

I already said yesterday that Almost Ex had a bad weekend when some poor choices caught up to him…and I still won’t go into it in this forum…and I mentioned that I was feeling really bad about it…well, I still am.

I know that asking for this divorce was the best decision for me and my boys.  Had I stayed, they would have been raised in a very unhappy house with a resentful mother and God only knows what kind of father…it was the most difficult decision of my life…not because there was much love left (on my side) but for two reasons: I was breaking my word – I had said in sickness and health (check), richer or poorer (never got to richer), til death do us part…nope, didn’t make it that far…but also because I knew my decision hurt Almost Ex…

I don’t know if this is a good thing about me or a pathetic thing about me, but it is very hard for me to knowingly hurt someone…even someone I don’t like very much…even someone I don’t respect…I have avoided many hard decisions in life (up until February 13) because I didn’t want to cause someone else pain, aggravation, or any other negative feeling…

Typical me, the first time I did, it was big…I don’t think this is what BFF meant when she said, “Go big or go home.” 

When I told Almost Ex I wanted a divorce, I set in motion a course of events that I could never have foreseen…I was the victim in most of those events, but I never said anything…out of guilt.  He kept telling me, “You did this” and I took that to heart.  So, while he and I have worked out some of our issues over the past several weeks (sort of), I felt horrible when I learned how things have been going for him…and I can’t help feeling responsible for it all…

Of course, the people who love me are very upset when I admit this…it is about the choices we make in life and I never forced him to make bad choices…but that’s cold comfort right now…

A lot of what has happened in the past few months makes me afraid to get close to anyone…and I don’t necessarily mean romantically…I am SO not ready for that…I just mean in general…in the past two years, two people I considered close friends betrayed the small amount of trust I had given them (I rarely trust anyone, even in a small way)…and Almost Ex lost his mind, completely eviscerating any trust I had in him…when I’m feeling like downer-girl, I can’t help but wonder if it’s better to not be close to anyone…

But then I think of Mom #2, my YY, and my mom…first of all, they would kick my ass for feeling this way…second, they would just tell me to keep on keepin’ on…there is light at the end of the tunnel…and one day, it won’t be another oncoming train…

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