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Simple Pleasures

It really is all about the simple pleasures in life.  I can name a long list of things I would consider simple pleasures that aren’t happening yet…but I’d rather focus on the simple pleasures that I do have…

  • My air conditioning is fixed! It’s been out since Saturday and last night it crept up to 85 degrees.  I slept on top of the covers last night!  For those of you in more temperate climates or in parts of the globe where it’s winter, Florida is HOT right now and will only get hotter. Feeling the cold air as I walked in the door this afternoon was sheer bliss!
  • I’ll see my mom Friday night!  We’ve already planned a picnic dinner on the beach with the boys and a couple of small outings on Saturday.  I don’t really give a crap what we do…I just want to be there.
  • I’ll see BFF Saturday night!  Other than helping my technologically-impaired friend with a small project, we won’t do much except drink wine and talk…and that sounds pretty damn perfect to me!  (Psst, BFF, I need Moscato, please…)
  • And Sunday night, I’ll see This Man! We have no firm plans, and I don’t really care.  I’ll sound weird when I say this, but I really am happy just sitting in his living room, hanging out.
  • Oh yeah, and both boys are healthy again!  Sean had those diarrhea issues from last week, and this week, the heat in the house made Aidan sick for two days…this afternoon, everyone seems back to normal.  (I promise, I made no pact with the devil for an illness-free weekend…well…)

I’ve always been the person to encourage others to think positively, but I never really applied it to myself.  I’m great at dishing out the advice and pretty crappy at taking it – there, I admitted it!  But, purposefully focusing on the good in my life really has made a difference.  That’s not to say it’s all PollyAnna crap over here…there are still moments I contemplate selling my children to the gypsies…and I’m still sarcastic as hell, and get cranky and whiny every so often…but I don’t let it bring me so far down that I can’t function…

I’ll take my simple pleasures in life and be damn happy with them, thankyouverymuch!

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For A Moment – Peace and Contentment

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This was the start of my day…jealous? You should be…I live here…and yes, it really does look like that at the beach…

I’ve worked hard lately, and I needed a break…so I took today off…and went to the beach…

I drove up, saw the water, and started giggling – like a child…with pure delight…

I found my spot, got my chair ready, sprayed on sunscreen, and just smiled…

I walked up and down the beach, letting my toes get wet…red flags were flying so there was NO way I was getting in the water…I splashed as I walked…I spread my arms wide so I could feel the wind…I looked for shells…I watched the birds…

Between walks on the beach, I sat in my chair, reading my book and watching the water…

I don’t know if it was the sound of the waves…I don’t know if it was the beauty of the water…I don’t know if it was the peacefulness of the moment…but for a few brief hours, I was incapable of getting lost in my head…I was purely in the moment, enjoying every second of it…my head would not hold on to anything more than fleeting thoughts…

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Pure bliss…I will forever be grateful for this moment in my day…

My Idea of Bliss?

My idea of bliss changes from moment to moment…at this very moment, sitting on my couch, drinking chai tea, eating a York peppermint pattie, and recovering from my little adventure earlier is exactly what I need…

Nothing much has been going on lately…getting serious about losing weight, fighting with The Ex, and living life…today was….interesting…

It rained all day…the rain woke me up this morning and lulled me to sleep this afternoon…and it kept us inside, because the last thing I wanted to do was cart small children in and out of the rain from store to store…but by this evening, we were all done being in the house…

We went to dinner and were on our way to roam the bookstore when I got a flat tire…yep, a flat tire, at night, in the rain, with two small children…yay…

Clearly we survived the ordeal…Mom #2 came and sat with us while we waited for the guy to come and change my tire…yeah, yeah, yeah, I should know how to do it…I’ll put that on my list…thank God she came…the boys did ok, but they were hyper…and as always, I was tired…

So bliss right now means sitting still, relaxing, doing what I want to do…oh yeah, and I’m finally dry and warm again, that helps…

In exactly two weeks, bliss changes, because 14 days from now, the boys will be with my mom and The Step for an entire week…7 whole days!! The best part, Saturday night I’ll be with BBF drinking margaritas, and Sunday, I’ll be with This Man…oh yeah, and I’m taking a couple days off of work that week so I can enjoy my house with no children…ahhh, bliss

Happy or Less Stressed?

My mom mentioned today that I seem much happier than a year ago…and asked me if I’m happier overall…I don’t really know…I know I’m adjusting to my new life…I know that I’m a less stressed…not because the stress has gone away…I think I’m just handling it better…

I noticed today that I’m a little less intense about things, especially relationships…normally, I’m the type of girl who thinks if you like me, you should be in constant contact with me…I came across this quote in a blog that I adore reading (you know who you are!):

“If he’s not calling you, it’s because you are not on his mind. If he creates expectations for you, and then doesn’t follow through on little things, he will do same for big things. Be aware of this and realize that he’s okay with disappointing you. Don’t be with someone who doesn’t do what they say they’re going to do.  If he’s choosing not to make a simple effort that would put you at ease and bring harmony to a recurring fight, then he doesn’t respect your feelings and needs. “Busy” is another word for “asshole.” “Asshole” is another word for the guy you’re dating. You deserve a fucking phone call.”    ―      Greg Behrendt

And I agree with about 90% of it…the part that I don’t think I agree with anymore is the very first line…there’s someone on my mind a lot…but I can’t always call him…I’ve got a busy life, he’s got a busy life…not calling isn’t a sign that I don’t care or that he doesn’t care…

But feeling this way is new for me…Music Man didn’t call me for 2 weeks, and I was fine…BBFF calls when he can, I call when I can…it’s ok…a couple of weeks ago, I didn’t feel that way…a couple of weeks ago, a serious lack of contact sent me into turmoil…I wonder what’s changed?

Which brings me back to my mother’s observation today…I don’t necessarily feel happy…I still feel like there are too many obstacles in my path…too many things that I want to be doing that I can’t yet…but I’m not unhappy either…

And that leads me to something else…do I seem different?  Different than the beginning of this blog (for those brave souls who have stuck with me since the beginning)? Different over the past year?  Past several years? Have I changed at all?  It’s hard to see change in yourself sometimes, but outsiders looking in often see something we never see in ourselves…so I guess I’m just curious…what changes does anyone see in me?  Do I seem to be happy, less stressed, or just the same as always?

I’m Home…

I’m home…such a simple concept, right?  But that thought hit me tonight like a ton of bricks…

I’m 100% unpacked…99.9% of our stuff is exactly where I want it to be…that other 0.1% is still a work in progress…my house is clean – once I finished unpacking, that was the next must-do on the list…and I didn’t mind (too much)…

People were shocked that I unpacked so quickly…I don’t do well in chaos and a house full of boxes is nothing BUT chaos…part of it is an effort to not live in chaos, part of it is that I want to spend the rest of my vacation playing a little…but part of it is that I’m excited to set up my own home…before this weekend, it had never been mine, it had always been ours – The Ex and I – and because I always had to rush off to work each time we moved, he decided where every thing went…who knew that putting things where I want them to go would be so important?

The reason this idea of being home is so big (and warrants an entire post) is that tonight I realized that for the first time in my adult life, I am proud of where I live, of the home I’ve created, and I want people to come visit me…that’s huge in my mind…

For years, I have offered to go to someone else’s home, meet them somewhere, anything to keep them from my house…was it because it always smelled like cigarette smoke (how in the hell did I marry a smoker?!)? Was it because something was always broken down, busted, or falling apart? Was it because it was never clean enough (in my mind) because I depended on The Ex to take care of it and that never happened?  Is it simply because it’s mine?  I don’t know…

But I’m home…and I’m happy to be home…and I will take care of this place so that when I move out one day in the future, someone else can be proud to live here, too…

I’m ready to create new memories…I’m ready to live in this home…live, not just survive, not just exist…but really live.

I Got A New Attitude

I’ve noticed lately that I’m more lighthearted…I laugh more easily…I smile a whole hell of a lot…and being the person I am, I can’t just accept it and move on. No, I must dissect it and try to figure out what it means…

I still have all the same problems and worries that I’ve had…I still have all the same stressors…but in a way, I’m happier than I’ve ever been.  I’m much more comfortable being alone…I’m used to bearing the load everyday – it feels normal, now…

But I’m also very realistic about myself…I’m a moody Scorpio, and I know it…I think way too much…I dwell…I worry…I plan…

I’m surrounding myself with people who bring out the best in me…who allow me to be me, but care enough about me not to let me get bogged down…right now, it’s a very small group…but I’m also putting some of my natural shyness to the side and trying to engage with the world a little…

Here’s what I’ve noticed about the people in my group – They let me be silly..they encourage it, actually. They make me laugh – mostly at myself. They show me their true selves, which lets me be my true self with them.

I love to laugh…I love to be silly…I love to be a rowdy girl…for however long it lasts, I’m a happy happy girl!

Grinnin’ Like A Fool…

Everytime I smile for no reason, my first thought is, “What the hell is going on?” But my mama taught me to never look a gift horse in the mouth…so, I’m not questioning it…much.

I woke up Thursday morning feeling……….normal.  I don’t really know what normal means, but I wasn’t at either extreme.  So, let’s call that normal.  My mornings are always a little crazy, and I overslept by an hour Thursday morning, so I didn’t have time to pay attention to my emotional state (which was refreshing)…(Note: I did NOT freak out over having slept late…that never happens…I always freak out…I HATE to be late…)

I realized something was a little different when I just started smiling…for no damned reason…a good song on the radio, a mediocre song on the radio, the first taste of Diet Coke (that almost always makes me smile, though).  It didn’t matter, I was smiling.  I pulled up to the office at exactly 7:30 even though I’d overslept by AN HOUR…and I smiled because I wasn’t late…

Today, the feeling was a little deeper…I worked my butt off, I’m tired, my feet HURT…and yet, I feel good.  I don’t think this is the manic side of a manic-depressive disorder.  I think something has turned…in my head…somehow…

Here’s how I know something is different: This morning when I finished a project, I had a fleeting thought that I wish I had someone to gush to about how happy I was that everything went well. My next thought was, “But it’s ok that I don’t.” And then I moved on…it wasn’t something to worry over, feel bad about, or bring me down.  It was….acceptance.

Caveat: I’ve never had that before, so I don’t know why I wished for it now.  Almost Ex and I have never liked talking about the other’s day – our eyes tended to glaze over – yeah, we had issues…And yes, I have several people who will listen to me talk about work, but you know what I mean…It’s that desire to have someone that you always call, even in the middle of the day, just to say, “Hey, remember this? Yeah, it was good.”

I sort of, kind of believe in signs (ok, I see signs when it suits me, and I ignore them when it doesn’t)…when I got in the car today, the first THREE songs, back-to-back, were favorites: Give Me Everything Tonight-Pitbull, Last Friday Night-Katy Perry, and then my new feel-good song, Good Life-One Republic. And I grinned like a freaking idiot all the way home…

I don’t really want to over-analyze this too much, even though NOT over-analyzing everything isn’t normal for me…and I don’t want to dwell on it, even though I’m a dweller by nature…part of me is afraid that it’s temporary…and part of me is afraid that I’m losing my mind with all this freaking SMILING…And all I really want to do is dance…while smiling. 🙂

Today Was A Good Day

I wish I was a good enough writer to accurately depict the joy I’ve experienced today.  I’m not that good, so I’ll just do the best I can…

To celebrate (commemorate?) Memorial Day, I walked the Gate to Gate Run/Walk race on Eglin AFB (thanks to a damn good friend who made sure I had no excuse).  It’s 4.4 miles of nothing but heat and humidity…gotta love Florida in May…the most I’ve walked in the past 6 months is about 3 miles…so I was woefully unprepared…or so I thought…

Let me clue you in on something…I love, love, LOVE to race…when I was still running, that was the whole point.  I trained from race to race always trying to beat my last time.  Running or walking, I’ll never be the fastest.  But who cares?  I compete against ME…it’s the perfect outlet for my overcompetitive nature…

And sadly, since Sean was born, I have barely raced…it all sort of ended when I couldn’t really run anymore.  (Short story: I totally overdid it a couple of times trying to increase my mileage, blew my knee, never got it rehabbed, and now running on asphalt, concrete, whatever, HURTS – I’m getting a treadmill and will start from scratch.)

In fact, the last time I was in THIS race, I was pregnant with Sean.  I did several races while I was pregnant with Sean…the last one 2 months before he was born – a July race, and I had to pee the whole time.

I love the wind in my hair.  I love passing people.  I love NOT letting people pass me.  I love the pain of pushing myself faster and faster.  I love finding that person ahead of me that I WILL pass. I even love that little voice of doubt that says, “Can you keep this pace for long?”  (The answer is a big HELL YEAH!)  I love that little kick you give it at the end (because you ALWAYS finish strong).  And today, especially, I loved not thinking about ANYTHING but the race and trying to keep a steady pace.

I can block out anything and everything during a race.  In that moment, when it’s all about putting one foot in front of the other and NOT giving up (no matter what), I’m not a mom, I’m not going through a divorce, I’m not a neurotic-mess-of-a-woman who has no clue how to be single, I’m a competitor

And when I say I can block out anything, I mean ANYTHING.  Like the blister that formed in the first half mile that bled all over my sock and shoe…didn’t even put a band-aid on it until about 45 minutes after I finished.  Like needing to pee in the first quarter mile which means I didn’t stop for water, either…

The big joke is that I never have a cheering section when I finish…even when there should be.  Today was no exception.  No one thought I would finish when I did, so Aidan and Sean were still playing on the playground as I crossed the finishline…thank God I don’t do this for anyone but me! 

In my circle, all races end with food, usually breakfast – specifically, eggs and bacon.  It’s the proverbial carrot at the end of the stick.  For some reason, it tasted even better today…No post-race nap for me but I didn’t mind…I was way too relaxed to care about naps. 

I found my joy again.  Today, I reunited with something that fills me with pure, unadulterated happiness…and I am NOT going to let it slip away again.  If you need me, I’ll be preparing for my next race.

Oh, and not that it matters, but my official time was 1:05:52 (15 minute mile), 8th in my age group out of 32…not too shabby for being unprepared.  I can’t wait to see how I do once I start actually training.

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