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Am I Really THAT Girl?

I realized today that I’m one of those women that men complain talk about when they say women say yes when they mean no…damn it…

For whatever reason, Mother’s Day has been on my mind a lot…there’s very little I can do for my own mom, but I will do everything I can to make sure she knows she’s loved and appreciated…the boys will do whatever projects the school/daycare offers and it will be very sweet…

But I haven’t been able to stop thinking about how The Ex (before he was The Ex) never made any holiday a priority, and especially not Mother’s Day…there were never gifts…there were never projects with the boys to help them make or do something…we didn’t have a lot of money, so sometimes, when I decided to make it clear I wanted something, I would ask for a clean house or dinner – guess how that went…no, go ahead…

And then I remind myself that I’m the one who, when asked, will tell people I don’t need a gift…don’t bother…don’t go to the expense…it’s not important…you name it…and in the moment, when I say that, I really do mean it…because I don’t think I’m worth the extra expense…I know how hard it is to hold onto money, so when asked, I will always demur and say no…

But, I don’t think I really mean it…I do want someone to think that the occasion is special enough that I deserve something…except deserve sounds so damn selfish…I want someone to disregard the no gift is necessary thing…ignore me and get me something anyway…except how can I expect someone to read my mind? And I really don’t like to be ignored…

The fact that I miss something I’ve never had seems to be my own fault…and I’m own worst enemy…

I can hear the advice now…but I don’t think this is just about me being able to ask for what I want…I think it’s also a matter of believing it’s ok for someone to spend money on me, to give me something I didn’t necessarily earn…

Why I’m preoccupied with this now that I’m single and it doesn’t matter, I don’t know…chalk that up to another confusing thing about women, I guess…

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Merry Christmas

While I’m writing this it’s still Christmas Eve…but Christmas is close…and while I should be asleep, I can’t sleep…

My mom and The Step are here tonight, and even though it’s strange to have someone here with me, it’s also very comforting…I knew after Thanksgiving my mother was not going to let me spend another holiday without family around…I had to admit to myself today that I’m isolated – whether self-imposed or not, I don’t know…

I was on edge waiting for them to get here today…and it was perfect…my mom came in, hugged the boys, and started baking…the irony is that my mother was the worst cook ever when I was a kid, but she’s great now…she made my house smell so good…and we did what we do best…we laughed our asses off – remembering her cooking experiments when I was younger…

The boys went to bed fairly easily…not sure how I got that lucky, but no complaints! I wasn’t able to do as much as I would have liked for Christmas, but thanks to my mom, the boys will have a great Christmas…and now the whole house is asleep – except for me…I’m wired…it could be all the cookies I’ve eaten…it could be the huge Diet Coke I drank tonight…it could be the excitement of Christmas…or it could be that I can’t stop thinking about how much has changed in one short year…and how I’m hoping for more changes in the year to come…

If someone had told me last Christmas that the next Christmas would have been like this – divorced, moved, and learning how to function as a single mom – I would have laughed…we often get complacent with our lives and forget how quickly things can change…until they do…now that I’ve been reminded of that, I can’t help but wondering what else is in store for me…I’m almost anticipating whatever changes are coming my way…I’ve survived the worst, and I need to believe that whatever comes next will only be better…

Merry Christmas to everyone who loves me…to everyone who finds me curious…to everyone who has the patience to make it through my ramblings…I love and appreciate you all…

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