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10 Years Ago

If I was still married, today would be my 10th wedding anniversary…

And I don’t know how I feel about that…I feel something, because I’ve thought about this day for the past couple of weeks.  Several of my friends on Facebook have celebrated their 10 year anniversaries in the past couple of months…and it only made me think of my own lost 10 year anniversary…

Please do not think in any way that I wish I was still married to The Ex…oh hell no!

It does make me think of what was supposed to be, what might have been, and what’s still to come…

I had jokingly demanded requested that our 10 year anniversary be the year I finally got a diamond ring – a big one…we had said that on our 10 year anniversary we would take a cruise (I would loooooove to go on a cruise)…we had said so many things…but like a lot of our marriage, it was all talk…it was never going to happen…and somehow that makes me a little sad…

I’m not sad that it’s not going to happen with The Ex…but that I never realized it wasn’t going to happen at all…that I fooled myself into believing that I could will him to do something I wanted…that if I wanted it bad enough, I could make it happen – come hell or high water…

So what’s to come?  Who the hell knows?

I hope that I get married again one day…I hope I’m smarter about it…I hope that it’s different and that when I hit the 10 year mark, there are no disappointments…I’m filled with hope about my future…and a little sadness about my past…

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Life Is Life

Here’s something I know about myself…I take things (and people) very seriously…sometimes too seriously.  One rough day in life, at work, at home, you name it and any feelings of hope or optimism that I felt the day before vanish…today was that day…

As tired as I was yesterday, I still managed to clean, to accomplish things, to make plans, to feel hope about the future – on different levels…today…one rough day later, and I couldn’t even manage a decent conversation with BBFF…I was grumpy, I was anxious, I was mopey…I felt unappreciated…I felt unloved…I felt unimportant…nothing was good enough, nothing was right…life sucked…

Except it really doesn’t, and I know it doesn’t.  Life is life…good, bad, and ugly…when I stepped outside of myself and looked in, I saw how ridiculous I was being…it’s a day…one day…tomorrow will be better…or at least the same…even if it’s bad, it’s still ok…

I have things to look forward to…I have things to make happen…I have plans…I have dreams…I have a life to live.

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