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Frustrated

There are times when I feel like I spend my life frustrated…sometimes it’s because my expectations are either too high or not fully thought out…sometimes its because I’m looking for easy – and that almost never happens…

On the one hand, I’m that person who believes that anything in life worth having is worth working hard for – meaning that very little comes easy, and I wouldn’t trust it if it did…on the other hand, I have been told, and want to believe, that if you’re on the path you should be, doors will often open that you don’t expect…

All I want to do is move…I want to get out of this house (it goes on the market in the next day or so…know anyone who just can’t wait to live in a little town called Crestview, FL?)…I want to move closer to work…I want to pay a little less each month – because I’m freaking drowning over here, and something’s got to give…but silly me, I also want to feel safe wherever I live and have enough space for 2 rowdy little boys to be, well, rowdy little boys…apparently, I’m asking for a miracle…

I’m filled with doubts – can this space hold most of our stuff? I don’t have a lot of stuff but I think the beds, couch, and kitchen table are essential items, and dammit, wherever I live should be able to hold at least that…Is this area safe?  Would we ever actually leave during the day, and how would I feel if I brought them home to this late at night??

Is this the right place for us?  I’m a big believer that you know when something feels right – and when it doesn’t…and I should wait for it to feel right…but I’m feeling pressured from my own deadline – November 1.  Why November 1? Because 8 days later, I’ll be in Anaheim, CA for 5 days…and right after that it’s balls to the wall until February at work…this is the perfect time…except the perfect place isn’t materializing…and I’m filled with self-doubt…

I’m making a major decision which affects my children…and I need to get it right…this isn’t something I can half-ass or just make work…the safety of the boys (and my perception of their safety) is too important…which is why I found myself driving around town this afternoon after looking at yet another really crappy option, lost in thought, mentally panicking…I was almost back at work when I realized I hadn’t returned the key to the rental company…

I’ve made plenty of decisions for our family in the past few months, but none like this…I’m uprooting Aidan from his school, I’m taking Sean away from a daycare that adores him, to do what? Put them in some crap hole-in-the-wall just so I can get away from my own personal demons?  Am I being selfish?  Couldn’t I just toughen up a little, tighten the belt a little more, and deal with it?

Intellectually, I know the answers…but if I screw up this decision, what does that say about everything else that comes after?  I’m responsible for this family, for two little boys who are looking to me to keep everything right in their world…I just want a safe, decent, affordable home…how can that be so damn hard?

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Finally…A Little Relief

Not to brag on the industry I work in, but Realtors are pretty freaking amazing.  Ok, so I don’t typically discuss work in my space here, but since there is a time and place for everything, I guess this is the time and the place…

For the two people who read this and don’t know me personally, I work in the Realtor Association world…I’m not a Realtor, and I don’t help people buy or sell real estate…I help Realtors…that’s what I do, and I do it fairly well.  And, weirdly, I enjoy it…

And while I support all of the Realtors in my world, I have a favorite…she would be my Realtor…and she is providing me with the first real relief I’ve felt in ages…hence the let’s-talk-work blog…

I have no good memories left in my house…the crap I went through pre-divorce pretty much erased the good…and I feel defeated everyday that I walk inside…I have a long commute (originally by necessity and then later by choice) that doesn’t work for a single mom…I have home repairs and maintenance that suck for a lot of people – sucks even more when you have no inclination for things like that (isn’t that why there are handymen?)…and I have no connection to this place now, it’s just a house…the boys do – this is their home..for Sean, it’s the only home he’s ever known…

And I am so ready to get out of here…here’s the thing – I have a teeny, tiny, itty-bitty little eensie weensie bit of knowledge about real estate…which means I don’t know crap, so I called my Realtor …whom I adore, LOVE, and am so freaking grateful for…I was concerned about the house…I know I need to sell it…I need to get away from it…the karma, ju-ju, whatever here is not good…and she’s going to help make that happen for me…she reassured me…she put all of my fears to rest because the little bit I do know about the market scared the crap out of me…and she did the same thing she did when I bought the house through her, she told me not worry, it was going to be ok…

Owning your own home is absolutely part of the American Dream…and I worked damn hard to get here…but owning a home can also be a crushing weight when you’re drowning in everything else…and right now, it’s not my time…I have to get to a different, better place first…and knowing that my housing issue is half over (only half because I still have to find a new place to live) is a relief I didn’t know I was waiting to feel until I realized I could breathe again…

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