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Last Time…

Today was a lot of last’s…

The last time I made the boys leave the house at 6:15am to drop them off at daycare and Boys & Girls Club (15 minutes after they woke up)…

The last time I drove 45 minutes to get to work…

The last time I had to leave work at exactly the right time just to pick up the boys in time to avoid being charged extra money…

The last time I had to hope the 45 minute drive wasn’t going to turn into an hour drive because of traffic…

I’ve been anxious and edgy since I walked in the door tonight…I don’t know if it’s nerves from the move, good and bad memories hitting me, or just an overwhelming desire to get the hell out…or all of the above…

I wish I could look around this house with a sense of nostalgia…I don’t…I’m not sure if it’s because I’m not a sentimental person or if I really do hate it here…

I hurt for the boys because they’re going to miss their friends and teachers…I hurt for the unfulfilled promises I see around this house…but I’m not hurting because I’m leaving…

My hope is that these feelings fade away as I adjust to the new place…I’m sure they will…I want it to happen quickly…and I think once the the moving process starts tomorrow, I’ll be excited…

Packing up everything by myself has been tiring and a little overwhelming, but it’s getting done…and is going better than any other move I’ve ever done…maybe because I’m doing it my way…on my schedule…based on my timetable…me, myself, and I…maybe because it’s just meant to be…maybe because I’m that person who just puts her head down and gets the job done…

Tomorrow is the start of something new…and I desperately need it.

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I Knew It Wouldn’t End Well

I usually listen to my instincts, my gut…but every once in a while, I decide to be more hopeful and give the benefit of the doubt…even when I know I shouldn’t..

I opened myself up to someone who I knew didn’t really want to be cordial, to be polite, to be decent (and no, it wasn’t Almost Ex)…I knew it, but I told myself that I was being too cynical and too untrusting…sometimes I hate it when I’m right…

Now I feel like I was hit by a truck…and that was the goal, I think.

I’m too tired to play tough…I’m too tired to see the bright side…

Tonight was supposed to be a night to blog about my boys who made me smile so much tonight…tonight was supposed to be a night when I went to bed and actually slept…

And now I feel like I’ve been sucker-punched…and I know I’m being vague, and I’m pretty sure the 2 or 3 people who actually read this are dying to know what happened, and I will probably get a message or call…but this isn’t about what caused me to be upset…it’s the fact that I allowed myself to enter the situation…that I knew the situation wasn’t going to end well…I actually said, “I wonder how this will bite me in the ass.” And I went down that road anyway…

And if you’ve ever been where I am right now, you know why I went down the road…and why it hurts so much that I was right about how it would end…even though I really wanted to be wrong…

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