Blog Archives

Work, Work, Work

Ok, I have to admit…I might be a workaholic…maybe…just a little…

It helps that I love my job…but even when I’ve worked jobs I hated, I was like this – just with more ‘tude about it.

No matter how busy I get or how crazy the workload might be, I feel an overwhelming sense of responsibility to get it all done…and at a high level…no slacking off for me! Even when I’m burned out, tired, and lacking “sizzle” (as someone recently pointed out – thanks Big Bro)…But that’s not really my point…

My BFF taught me (many, many years ago) the phrases “Work to live” and “Live to work”…I’m a “live to work” kind of girl…I like working, I like the sense accomplishment I have at the end of the day, week, whatever…I like getting better and better at what I do…I like being depended upon (on?)…yeah, I’m weird…

I think I need to figure out how to be a little less of a workaholic, though…I don’t want to lose opportunities in my 30s the way I lost them in my 20s…I need to learn how to play more…I’m learning how to be comfortable being alone (that’s going well)…I’m learning how to be more independent (which is awesome)…I guess this is another lesson to learn…

I’ll take any and all advice…

Advertisements

I Might Be A Romantic…Or Maybe Not

I’ve never considered myself a romantic.  I think I’m a realist.  I’ve been called a cynic and a pessimist.

I think…a lot…about a lot of stuff.  I think about the past.  I think about the present.  And (being the planner that I am) I think about the future…a lot.  When I’m thinking about the future, it’s with the complete understanding that whatever I plan for is probably NOT what will occur.  But planning puts me at ease, even if I never use the plan, even if I have to come up with a new plan on the spot, even if the plan fails and I have to try again…regardless of all that, just knowing I have a plan makes me feel better.  Therefore, I spend a lot of time thinking about what’s on the horizon.

That, however, does NOT apply to why I think I’m a romantic. I have no interest in a relationship right now (hell, I am still married).  I know that the best thing for me is to figure me out and make sure to have a little fun along the way while enjoying my relative independence.   But when I’m lost in my head, and even when I’m not, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I will not spend the rest of my life alone…I will not be the cat lady.  Whoever it is that I’m supposed to be with into my golden years is out there…I feel silly for even admitting it because I’m so freaking practical most of the time.  And let me say again, I am NOT looking for that person right now…

That being said, I’m not sure how I’ll get to that point…I’m intimidated by attractive people (because I don’t consider myself attractive)…and I’m naturally shy.  Bad combination, if you ask me.  So, when I meet someone new, my defense mechanisms are front and forward – I’m a sarcastic smack-talker…it’s almost a test, I guess…if you choose to get past the shield or if you’re just naturally good at giving as good as you get, then I’m less intimidated and very intrigued…every once in a while, I meet someone I just connect with, and none of the above applies…

But, I also don’t go looking for that kind of thing…I believe things that are meant to be will happen when the time is right.  No need to force anything…and I prefer to have real friends over temporary romances…

Let me go back to something I just said, because I can hear my mom and friends now…I don’t think I’m pretty, beautiful, whatever.  Not because I have low self-esteem…I’m extremely confident in myself, but I don’t pin my confidence on my looks.  I know how to accentuate the good about myself and downplay the things I don’t like…I am not ugly (at least in my opinion)…but I am never going to win a beauty contest…and that’s ok.  I’m not sure why every woman laments her looks privately but can’t say it publicly without being accused of having low self esteem.

I think very highly of myself…I just place value on different things – I’m intelligent, hard-working, trustworthy, loyal, funny (most of the time), strong, stubborn, you name it.  Hell, I lost a ton of weight, became a runner, gained muscle, and am on track to do it all again – that’s not something the whole world can claim.  That being said, when I’m around someone who is “classically” good-looking, I become aware of my lack of beauty…so I tend to avoid those people…or, like I said before, become a sarcastic smack-talker…

So I guess, maybe I’m not a romantic and I’m too practical for my own good…but I still have hope and confidence in the future…and whatever it may bring…

Independent Michaela – WTF?

I’ve had a couple of comments about the name of my blog – Independent Michaela (which is also my email address) – so I thought I’d explain it. 

There’s not much to explain (how’s that for anticlimactic?).  Several weeks ago, for the first time in my adult life (I’ll be saying that a lot), I needed to sign up for a new email address.  I needed something that didn’t contain my last name because it will change…eventually.  But I wanted something that had meaning to me.

I’ve never been good with titles and names.  That’s too few words to describe something.  I’m a talker, an explainer…I’ll explain what I’m about to tell you, and spend 5 minutes giving background information, before I ever get to the point.  Twitter is hard for me.

So there I am at Google, signing up for a non-work related, non-“Benjamin” email…and the word that kept coming to mind was Independent.

At the time, it was sort of this fuzzy concept…something I was striving for.  My family has told me for as long as I can remember that I’m extremely independent.  My Almost-Ex hated it about me.  But I’ve never felt independent. 

The day I had to decide, over the phone, to let the mechanic do $1100 worth of work to the car, and yeah, I’ll apply for a Tires Plus credit card (’cause how ELSE was I going to pay for that much work?), and I made the decision on my own, I knew I was inching, slowly, towards independence.  It’s a small thing for most…but it was momentous to me.  The $1100 made it that much more…special…yeah, that’s the word…special

It’s still a concept to me…but don’t ask my family or close friends.  They’ll tell you I’m maddeningly independent…make-you-want-to-smack-someone independent…feel-sorry-for-the-next-man-in-my-life independent.

I just keep thinking of this…

%d bloggers like this: