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Gotta Love Those Endorphins

I think I have a new rule for my loved ones…if we’re talking and I seem unnecessarily down, sad, mopey, or any other basketcase-like emotion, please, please ask me if I’ve worked out yet for the day…

For the second day in a row, I whined to BBFF on the phone about how stressful life is, how I feel pretty miserable, blah blah blah…and then picked myself up, changed clothes, let Jillian Michaels kick my ass (I just love her) and felt like crap for dumping all over him…the things that have been bothering me still bother me, but I’m in a better frame of mind…I’m thinking more clearly and logically…my feelings aren’t clouding my thought process…now I’m good company…

It’s gotta be the endorphins…or it’s simply that my ass really got kicked, and I can’t focus on anything but the pain…either way, it works…

Yesterday, it was money…today, it was loneliness…sometimes, even now, I am shocked at how some of the changes in my life since the divorce can affect me…I’m very used to and comfortable with being single…with the boys and I being the Three Musketeers…but I don’t really think my life is meant to be just the three of us…and maybe that’s where the loneliness comes from…

I have BFF and I have BBFF, and I have others…but because of the way life works and the physical distance between me and a lot of the people I care about, sometimes I feel very isolated…I can admit, sometimes I do it to myself…I’m a homebody (because gas costs money)…I don’t trust people (stranger-danger)…and I am unwilling to randomly call people and whine to them (except for poor BBFF)…but I can’t spend my life wallowing in misery…

The next time I wallow and whine, someone please hit me over the head with a Jillian Michaels DVD…

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Focusing on Me

I’ve had a fairly quiet weekend which has given me plenty of time to think…

Normally, I don’t like a quiet weekend because then I dwell on the fact that it’s just me and the boys 99.9% of the time and sometimes that’s just depressing…but this time is different.  I used the quietness (?) to think about internal stuff instead of focusing so much on the external (when will I ever get a break, when will I ever leave the house again without 2 small children in tow, when when when!)…most of that is pointless.  Whatever is supposed to happen will happens when it’s supposed to happen…

I can’t control Almost Ex, I can’t control work, I can’t control anyone (including my own children, unfortunately) but me…so that’s what I’m choosing to do…I’ve got plans for myself but if I keep focusing on the stuff I have no control over, that will be what consumes me…and I’m too damned tired for all of that…

I spent a lot of time reading about health, food, and fitness this weekend.  Most people don’t know it but I’m an actual weight-loss success story.  Before I became pregnant with Sean, I spent about 3 years losing 88 lbs – the hard way.  No pills, no points, no surgery – just exercise and portion control. 

Of course, I gained weight while I was pregnant – more than I wanted to, but by the time he was a year, I’d lost all but 3 lbs…and then I managed to maintain that weight…until I started the whole divorce process.  I’m an emotional eater so for a couple of months, everytime I went near Almost Ex, I left with an urge for a cheeseburger…and I indulged myself everytime…so 10 more lbs later, I’m feeling pretty crappy about my weight loss efforts…

I’ve noticed that doing what I did to lose the first 88 lbs doesn’t really work anymore…before I ate whatever I wanted, I just watched my calories…if I wanted cake, I ate cake…if I wanted chocolate, I ate chocolate…as long as I hit the right number by the end of the day, no biggie.  Well, maybe it’s because I’m older, maybe it’s because I’m closer to goal, but that does NOT work anymore…

So after a lot of reading this weekend, I’m going to try the most basic thing I know – exercise (of course) and eating NATURAL foods – as Jillian Michaels says, “If it doesn’t have a mother or come from the ground, don’t eat it!”  And that, sadly enough, involves trying not to drink Diet Coke…because I’ve never seen a Diet Coke plant and if I had, I’d have a whole field of them.  I’m not giving up caffeine completely, I’m just not going to drink it in carbonated form…no more processed foods – which will definitely cut out a lot of sugar and other crap I don’t really need.

I don’t know if it will work, but if after a couple of weeks, I’m not feeling better or seeing a positive change, I’ll try something else…the point is that I’m going to focus on myself…I’m even going to attempt the truly impossible – 7-8 hours of sleep a night…EVERY night…Based on what I’ve read, that may have a lot to do with my weight not going down, too…

I know that eventually I’ll want to not be completely and totally alone anymore…but what good am I to someone if I’m no good to myself?  As long as I take care of work when it’s time to work, and the boys when I’m with them, then the rest of the time needs to be about me…

I’ve been searching for something for a few weeks now that isn’t there, hasn’t been there, isn’t going to be there…I don’t really know what it is, but I’ve felt like I was looking for something and have constantly been disappointed…so I’m done with that…if it means I sit in a quiet house more often than not, that’s ok…I’ve just got focus on me right now…

And for those who have wisely pointed out that I need a vacation, you’re damned right I do…I haven’t had a week off from work since I was on maternity leave with Sean (he turns 2 on September 10), and I haven’t GONE anywhere (other than my mom’s house in MS) in YEARS (for pleasure…I’ve gone plenty of places for work)…so yeah, I know I need a break…and when both work and finances cooperate, I swear, I’ll go…

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