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Simple Pleasures

It really is all about the simple pleasures in life.  I can name a long list of things I would consider simple pleasures that aren’t happening yet…but I’d rather focus on the simple pleasures that I do have…

  • My air conditioning is fixed! It’s been out since Saturday and last night it crept up to 85 degrees.  I slept on top of the covers last night!  For those of you in more temperate climates or in parts of the globe where it’s winter, Florida is HOT right now and will only get hotter. Feeling the cold air as I walked in the door this afternoon was sheer bliss!
  • I’ll see my mom Friday night!  We’ve already planned a picnic dinner on the beach with the boys and a couple of small outings on Saturday.  I don’t really give a crap what we do…I just want to be there.
  • I’ll see BFF Saturday night!  Other than helping my technologically-impaired friend with a small project, we won’t do much except drink wine and talk…and that sounds pretty damn perfect to me!  (Psst, BFF, I need Moscato, please…)
  • And Sunday night, I’ll see This Man! We have no firm plans, and I don’t really care.  I’ll sound weird when I say this, but I really am happy just sitting in his living room, hanging out.
  • Oh yeah, and both boys are healthy again!  Sean had those diarrhea issues from last week, and this week, the heat in the house made Aidan sick for two days…this afternoon, everyone seems back to normal.  (I promise, I made no pact with the devil for an illness-free weekend…well…)

I’ve always been the person to encourage others to think positively, but I never really applied it to myself.  I’m great at dishing out the advice and pretty crappy at taking it – there, I admitted it!  But, purposefully focusing on the good in my life really has made a difference.  That’s not to say it’s all PollyAnna crap over here…there are still moments I contemplate selling my children to the gypsies…and I’m still sarcastic as hell, and get cranky and whiny every so often…but I don’t let it bring me so far down that I can’t function…

I’ll take my simple pleasures in life and be damn happy with them, thankyouverymuch!

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Walls All Around Me

I’m a person with walls…not sure how long I’ve been that way…probably my whole life…

Originally my walls were designed to keep people at a distance – because I trust no one…I think I even kept some of those walls up while I was married…sad but true…

Only one person has actually walked right through my walls, like they weren’t even there…and at the time, he acknowledged them, knew they were there, told me to drop them…with This Man, I made a conscious decision to take a chance and let him in…but he was already halfway through by the time I decided to let him in…funny how that works…

I have different walls now…it’s not about trust anymore – even though I still don’t trust people, as a general rule…they’re more of a shield now…

I’m tired of hurting or worrying or stressing…in an act of self-preservation, I slam up a wall between me and whatever is causing me pain…

What I realized today is once the wall is in place, it’s really hard to feel anything…and when the negative feelings manage to worm their way through a crack in my wall, it hurts worse than before…so basically all my stupid walls are doing is numbing me to a reality I just don’t want to deal with…

I know it’s not healthy…but I’m so tired of wanting what I can’t have…I’m tired of worrying all the time…I’m tired of hurting…at least this way I can function a little…

I’m Home…

I’m home…such a simple concept, right?  But that thought hit me tonight like a ton of bricks…

I’m 100% unpacked…99.9% of our stuff is exactly where I want it to be…that other 0.1% is still a work in progress…my house is clean – once I finished unpacking, that was the next must-do on the list…and I didn’t mind (too much)…

People were shocked that I unpacked so quickly…I don’t do well in chaos and a house full of boxes is nothing BUT chaos…part of it is an effort to not live in chaos, part of it is that I want to spend the rest of my vacation playing a little…but part of it is that I’m excited to set up my own home…before this weekend, it had never been mine, it had always been ours – The Ex and I – and because I always had to rush off to work each time we moved, he decided where every thing went…who knew that putting things where I want them to go would be so important?

The reason this idea of being home is so big (and warrants an entire post) is that tonight I realized that for the first time in my adult life, I am proud of where I live, of the home I’ve created, and I want people to come visit me…that’s huge in my mind…

For years, I have offered to go to someone else’s home, meet them somewhere, anything to keep them from my house…was it because it always smelled like cigarette smoke (how in the hell did I marry a smoker?!)? Was it because something was always broken down, busted, or falling apart? Was it because it was never clean enough (in my mind) because I depended on The Ex to take care of it and that never happened?  Is it simply because it’s mine?  I don’t know…

But I’m home…and I’m happy to be home…and I will take care of this place so that when I move out one day in the future, someone else can be proud to live here, too…

I’m ready to create new memories…I’m ready to live in this home…live, not just survive, not just exist…but really live.

The Power of A Good Night’s Rest

Yesterday was not a good day for me…I felt like a failure…had I blogged last night, it would have been pure word vomit…and I just didn’t feel like doing that…the day was not horrible – in retrospect…I’m just too hard on myself…and when I put my name on something, I want it to be perfect…there was nothing perfect about yesterday…

I slept more than 8 hours last night…I haven’t done that in weeks! It was GREAT! I feel rested, restored, and ready to face the day…the weather is beautiful, the boys are going to spend time with their dad today – not a lot of time, but hell, a break’s a break!  Today has a lot of potential for something wonderful…and I’m going to go find out what it is…

I’m amazed at the power of a good night’s rest…I should do that more often!

There’s no significance to posting this song…except that I smile and dance whenever I hear it…and I feel like doing both right now!

Acting Like A Girl

Eebee told me I was acting like a girl this morning…I think she meant that because I was giggling about something.  I’m not exactly known for giggling…I laugh obnoxiously, I chuckle, I might even snort (usually my drink through my nose) if something is funny enough…but giggle?  Me? This morning I did…

This has happened a couple of times before, and it’s happening again…I’m just happy…well, content…well, not freaking out…either way, I’m a little more relaxed…I’m smiling a lot more…I’m worrying a little less…I’m feeling good…I’m not worrying about the things I can’t control…hell, I’m not worrying about the things I can control, for that matter…

I’ve decided I love Facebook…I already knew I was addicted, but I believe this may be love…I keep connecting and re-connecting with people…people from my past, people from my present…I can’t always be with the ones I care about but social media let’s me stay in touch in small ways…and well, that makes me smile too.

If smiling and giggling makes me a girl, I’m good with that.

Grinnin’ Like A Fool…

Everytime I smile for no reason, my first thought is, “What the hell is going on?” But my mama taught me to never look a gift horse in the mouth…so, I’m not questioning it…much.

I woke up Thursday morning feeling……….normal.  I don’t really know what normal means, but I wasn’t at either extreme.  So, let’s call that normal.  My mornings are always a little crazy, and I overslept by an hour Thursday morning, so I didn’t have time to pay attention to my emotional state (which was refreshing)…(Note: I did NOT freak out over having slept late…that never happens…I always freak out…I HATE to be late…)

I realized something was a little different when I just started smiling…for no damned reason…a good song on the radio, a mediocre song on the radio, the first taste of Diet Coke (that almost always makes me smile, though).  It didn’t matter, I was smiling.  I pulled up to the office at exactly 7:30 even though I’d overslept by AN HOUR…and I smiled because I wasn’t late…

Today, the feeling was a little deeper…I worked my butt off, I’m tired, my feet HURT…and yet, I feel good.  I don’t think this is the manic side of a manic-depressive disorder.  I think something has turned…in my head…somehow…

Here’s how I know something is different: This morning when I finished a project, I had a fleeting thought that I wish I had someone to gush to about how happy I was that everything went well. My next thought was, “But it’s ok that I don’t.” And then I moved on…it wasn’t something to worry over, feel bad about, or bring me down.  It was….acceptance.

Caveat: I’ve never had that before, so I don’t know why I wished for it now.  Almost Ex and I have never liked talking about the other’s day – our eyes tended to glaze over – yeah, we had issues…And yes, I have several people who will listen to me talk about work, but you know what I mean…It’s that desire to have someone that you always call, even in the middle of the day, just to say, “Hey, remember this? Yeah, it was good.”

I sort of, kind of believe in signs (ok, I see signs when it suits me, and I ignore them when it doesn’t)…when I got in the car today, the first THREE songs, back-to-back, were favorites: Give Me Everything Tonight-Pitbull, Last Friday Night-Katy Perry, and then my new feel-good song, Good Life-One Republic. And I grinned like a freaking idiot all the way home…

I don’t really want to over-analyze this too much, even though NOT over-analyzing everything isn’t normal for me…and I don’t want to dwell on it, even though I’m a dweller by nature…part of me is afraid that it’s temporary…and part of me is afraid that I’m losing my mind with all this freaking SMILING…And all I really want to do is dance…while smiling. 🙂

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