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I’m Going To Be More Positive, Damn It!

Sheesh, I really hate it when someone points out something I should have realized long ago…not only do I have to re-evaluate my world, but I have to admit that I’m wrong…

After a long back and forth with someone who matters, I realized that I’ve become waaaaaay too self-involved.  And in a negative way…

Life is hard, waaah…

I’m broke, boo hoo…

My children are (gasp) typical children!

Let me say, it is OK to acknowledge those things, feel the negative emotions, and emote a little…what’s not ok is to do what I’ve been doing – live in that space and never show the world that the positive exists.

You would never know it to read this blog, be my friend on Facebook, or talk to me ever, but Aidan and Sean make me smile and laugh every day…even when I’m in the middle of a mental meltdown about money, life, or whatever.

Sean will look up at me, lower his eyebrows, and glare at me in the most precious way.  He doesn’t get his way when he does it…but I get a chuckle…

I don’t post every single one of Aidan’s mispronounced words, but I laugh at all of them…

Whenever my babies hold my hand, I get goose bumps, because the amount of trust that they feel for me is overwhelming.  I am their Mommy, and that little hand claims me as theirs.

I’ve had a financial burden lifted in the past 24 hours, and it’s lifted my spirits.  It’s freed up space in my head for other things.  And it couldn’t have come at a better time.   I was actually told that based on the perception I inspired in someone, they could actually believe I don’t like my children.  I cried at that.

I haven’t liked my life much…I’ve wanted it to be different, better, easier…don’t we all wish for that?  But instead of looking at how far I’ve come (and we as a family have come), I’ve focused on how far we still need to go…God, I’m an idiot sometimes…

Throughout the diarrhea-filled day yesterday, Sean and I really did have a good time.  I finally got it right for the doctor’s office – we came prepared: water, crackers, Thomas trains – what else could you possibly need in life?  The luxury of spending time with just one child is something I miss…one on one, my children are fascinating…their personalities are vibrant and complex…they’re little people, y’all…Sean is hilarious…he’s a jokester…and if he thinks he’s making you laugh with his antics, he keeps going…he cracks himself up…

All Aidan wanted today was for me to come to his school for the Awards Assembly.  I would not have missed it for the world…I was prepared to tell my boss that life sucked, but I had to go (thank goodness I have a good boss!).  I was excited!  I knew he was still on the Honor Roll, and I had a suspicion he made all A’s for the final 9 weeks.  And I was right!  He did that with very little help from me…sure, I pushed him to complete his homework…but he understood the concepts, he remembered the spelling words, he reads everything he can get his hands on…you’d think we were related somehow, wouldn’t you?  It was an amazing feeling to be proud of my baby for something I had nothing to do with…he did that…

So, all of that is to say, I’m going to take time to focus on the good…does that mean I won’t emote every once in a while?  Of course not, this is my blog, my space, to figure things out…and a little emoting happens sometimes.  But I’m not going to forget the good…and I’m not just going to pay lip service to it…I’m going to mean it, express it, share it…

 

Laughter…LOTS of Laughter

My stomach hurts…from laughing until I’ve cried…from laughing until I’ve nearly peed in my pants…

I didn’t anticipate today being this way…

10 years ago today, my dad died…he had amyotrophic lateral sclerosis (ALS)…once he caught pneumonia, he never recovered – which is typical with people who have ALS…my mom and I made the decision to take him off life support, which he would have wanted….we knew he wanted to be cremated, so we picked out the urn together…together we got the house ready for his Irish wake style party to celebrate his life…

I was 22 and about to graduate college…always thinking of my education, he died at the start of my spring break and I barely missed school…the post about all that is coming…because tomorrow, we are finally scattering his ashes…in the only place that made sense…

Today surprised me…my mom and I speeding down the road, heading closer to something we both dread…that should have been a recipe for disaster…but we talked, we laughed, we pranked YY who was simultaneously heading up from south Florida…

We don’t do well when either of us is stressed…we had our moments where she was tense or when I rambled a little too much…but then we’d jokingly text message YY something, watch her fall for it, and start laughing again…

We laughed as we walked into the hotel…we laughed as we tried to get in our room (unsuccessfully)…we laughed when we back downstairs to talk to the crazy lady at the desk to get our key fixed…we laughed through dinner…we laughed through Target…we laughed while we visited with YY…my stomach hurts…

I dread what’s coming tomorrow, no matter how necessary…and since we’re a family that believes in finding something to laugh about in every situation, I know tomorrow won’t be all bad…but I am glad I had today to laugh with abandon…I’m going to need the memory of today tomorrow…

Acting Like A Girl

Eebee told me I was acting like a girl this morning…I think she meant that because I was giggling about something.  I’m not exactly known for giggling…I laugh obnoxiously, I chuckle, I might even snort (usually my drink through my nose) if something is funny enough…but giggle?  Me? This morning I did…

This has happened a couple of times before, and it’s happening again…I’m just happy…well, content…well, not freaking out…either way, I’m a little more relaxed…I’m smiling a lot more…I’m worrying a little less…I’m feeling good…I’m not worrying about the things I can’t control…hell, I’m not worrying about the things I can control, for that matter…

I’ve decided I love Facebook…I already knew I was addicted, but I believe this may be love…I keep connecting and re-connecting with people…people from my past, people from my present…I can’t always be with the ones I care about but social media let’s me stay in touch in small ways…and well, that makes me smile too.

If smiling and giggling makes me a girl, I’m good with that.

I Got A New Attitude

I’ve noticed lately that I’m more lighthearted…I laugh more easily…I smile a whole hell of a lot…and being the person I am, I can’t just accept it and move on. No, I must dissect it and try to figure out what it means…

I still have all the same problems and worries that I’ve had…I still have all the same stressors…but in a way, I’m happier than I’ve ever been.  I’m much more comfortable being alone…I’m used to bearing the load everyday – it feels normal, now…

But I’m also very realistic about myself…I’m a moody Scorpio, and I know it…I think way too much…I dwell…I worry…I plan…

I’m surrounding myself with people who bring out the best in me…who allow me to be me, but care enough about me not to let me get bogged down…right now, it’s a very small group…but I’m also putting some of my natural shyness to the side and trying to engage with the world a little…

Here’s what I’ve noticed about the people in my group – They let me be silly..they encourage it, actually. They make me laugh – mostly at myself. They show me their true selves, which lets me be my true self with them.

I love to laugh…I love to be silly…I love to be a rowdy girl…for however long it lasts, I’m a happy happy girl!

Giving Myself A Good Talking-To…Somebody Has To Do It

For a brief moment tonight I thought, “I am so tired of looking on the freaking bright side all the time!”

That lasted about 2.3 seconds because I don’t EVER want to be sad-girl.  I don’t want to be the one who drags the whole room down just because I’ve entered it.  And I am fully aware that negative thinking is a self-fulfilling prophecy…

So, while I was taking a shower and getting the wet dog smell off of me, I gave myself a good talking-to…

“Ok, dammit, yes, you’re tired and a little isolated right now.  You did choose to get a divorce, you know.  You could have stayed with him and never been alone…but you would still be miserable.  Is that what you want?  I didn’t think so!

Yes, the only adult you talk to on the weekends is your own mother and sometimes Almost Ex (which is never the highlight of your day).  No, you DON’T have a social life because putting the boys on a shelf just isn’t an option (people get arrested for things like that). 

But it WILL get better.  You know it will.  Everything worth having in life requires hard work.  This is hard work.  Your reward will come.  Eventually, Almost Ex will contribute in some way OR you’ll find (and be able to afford) a babysitter.  It will NOT be this way forever.  So quit bitching!

There are so many people who have it worse…and yes, that’s a scary thought.  Yes, that means that it could get worse before it gets better.  But if you think that’s what will happen, then it will.  Stop it!  Stay positive.

Big Brother tells you all the time how much potential you have.  Your mother certainly believes it.  The people who care about you are there for you and believe in you.  You just have to reach out. How do they know how to help unless you talk to them?

And yeah, go ahead and have a good cry when you need one.  It’s good for the soul.  Just follow it up with a big belly laugh.  You know  your laugh is huge (and obnoxious) – exploding out of nowhere when something strikes you as hilarious.  You need more laughter in your life. 

Instead of talking about what you need, go out there and grab it!  And by the way, STOP eating cheeseburgers everytime you have to go near Almost Ex!  It’s not good for you in SO many ways…”

Well, somebody had to do it, so I guess it’s a good thing it was me.  Anyone else would have gotten cussed out.  🙂

 

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