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One of Those Moms

It’s a stereotype, and all stereotypes have some basis in truth, but I don’t want to be one of those moms…that mom who has no life outside of her children…who doesn’t know how to function without them…who’s whole world centers around her children and nothing else…

I want to have meaningful relationships separate from my boys…I want to have interests outside of my children…and I am unapologetic about wanting that…I’m no good to the boys if I make them the center of my universe…

That being said, I can feel it starting to happen…or I can feel the worry that it will happen starting to creep in…me worry about something? Crazy talk! Whatever…if you’ve read more than one other post, you already know I worry about worrying, that’s how much I worry…

From 7:30 a.m. until 4:30 p.m. Monday through Friday, I have a full work-life filled with interactions, conversations, understandings, misunderstandings, growth, knowledge, learning…I talk to probably 100 people in a day sometimes, all with different issues, questions, gripes, complaints…and I wear 10 different hats…I enjoy that part of my life…

From 4:30 p.m. until 7:30 a.m. Monday through Friday, and of course the weekends, my life consists of Aidan and Sean…which is a wonderful thing…except that my life consists only of Aidan and Sean…no money for a babysitter, no group of friends that I hang out  with (yes, I have friends…), and sometimes no interaction with another adult outside of work (or at the very least minimal interaction)…I’ve gone entire days where I’ve spoken to not one other person beside my children before…it’s a lonely life…I admit that…and it’s not a complaint…it’s just reality…

And what I can feel happening is that my life is narrowing down to two little boys and every move they make…that’s not a horrible thing…I enjoyed the hour Sean spent kissing my cheeks and laying all over me today…I laughed when both boys attacked me and each one kissed my cheeks…when I told Sean my stomach didn’t feel good, he demanded to see my tummy, and placed a little hand on it and said he needed to make it better – and then leaned down to kiss it…yeah, that’s a heart-melting moment…those are precious moments…I savor them…I hope I always remember them…

But eventually these boys will get older, and I will no longer be “Mommy.”  What then?  How do I cope when the center of my universe no longer wants to be the center of my universe?  And believing (as I do) that it’s a little unhealthy to make them the center of my universe, how the hell do I combat it when I don’t have any other options?  Thank God for blogging (late at night when everyone else has gone to bed) or I’d have nothing…but should I be concerned that I’ve turned my main blog into a blog about my children?

Because, damn it, I really don’t want to be one of those moms…

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I Don’t Like It When…

I don’t like it when I yell at my boys for no real reason other than I’m frustrated…

I don’t like it when I start feeling sorry for myself for no good reason…

I don’t like it when I let myself think about the bad instead of focusing on the positive…

I don’t like it when I eat cheeseburgers because they’re easier than anything else…

I don’t like it when I stay up late when I know I need sleep…

I don’t like it when I dwell on the past instead of dreaming of the future…

I don’t like it when I let the quiet close in on me…

I don’t like it when good ideas feel impossible…

I don’t like it when I stop avoiding the things that bother me…

I don’t like it when I avoid the things that need to be dealt with…

I don’t like it when I let my anxiety and worries take over and guide my decisions…

I don’t like it when I hold the people I love to an impossibly high standard…

I don’t like it when I lower my standards for people who don’t care about me…

I don’t like it when I wish for things I don’t have instead of being grateful for what I do have…

I don’t like it when I neglect myself because I forget that I’m worth caring about…

I don’t like it when I have to be reminded that I’m not screwing up my children…

I don’t like it when I’m mopey.

Be Careful What You Wish For…

…because you might get exactly that.

Ok, I guess I’m due for a little word vomit or something (considering I just cleaned up real vomit, that seems appropriate).  I’ve been fine…I’ve been good…life has been stressful, but whose life isn’t?  I’m not unique or special in what I’m going through…I’m not the only person going through a divorce…I’m not the only woman out there trying to raise children with no help from the other parent…

If I compared my life to someone who’s having real problems, I’d probably feel small and petty…but damn it today seems harder than others…and this is my space so no apologies for the whining that is about the follow…

When I was contemplating the divorce from Almost Ex, the thing I wanted overwhelmingly was to be alone…I realize I’m a mother and so I will never be alone in the truest sense…but I had spent 12 years taking care of an overgrown child and had felt like I was doing it on my own anyway…I just wanted to be by myself (ok, sort of)…and damn if I didn’t get my wish…

I’m alone in the good, the bad, and the ugly…and I know I blogged a couple of weeks about being okay with it, and for the most part, I really am…I’m not overwhelmingly lonely…I can be by myself and be content…today just isn’t one of those days. Hell, I was alone for lunch today and it sucked…really?! (in my Michaela voice, as EB would say)…that’s a moment where you better suck it up and deal…it’s a MEAL for crying out loud?!  I can’t even count the amount of meals I will eat alone in my lifetime…one missed lunchdate is NOT the end of the world!!

Deciding that I can no longer take care of the family dog – that was a shitty decision to have to make on my own (especially knowing how Aidan will react once I tell him what’s going to happen)…not knowing what to do about Bubba (that’s my crappy vehicle for those who don’t know) since I can’t run the AC without the damn thing overheating (and the heat index has been about 110 or higher)…cleaning up Aidan’s vomit after he puked in his sleep (all I could think was what if he hadn’t been laying on his side?!)…it’s all normal stuff…none of this is huge…ok the dog thing might be…I am a grown woman…I have handled much bigger things than this…but today just isn’t the day…

And so my advice to whoever pays attention is to be careful what you damn well wish for…I don’t want to be with Almost Ex…that marriage died so many years ago it isn’t even funny…I think our only purpose for being together was to bring Aidan and Sean into the world…and they really can bring me back from a pretty crappy mood…but if I had known what I was asking for, I would have dreaded the alone part of this process instead of wishing for it…maybe then I could have mentally prepared myself for crappy days…

I feel like a whiner and a complainer…and I hate that feeling…life really isn’t bad…I’m making some big plans to improve our lives…and getting help and encouragement from family and friends…and I’m 4 weeks into the wait for this whole thing to be finalized…so, technically only 2 more weeks of waiting…it’s funny (ok not really funny) – sometimes, on days like this, I wish I had someone to turn to…but I know I have people to turn to, I just don’t because I think I lean on them too much…so, apparently, I just can’t be satisfied…

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