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Not Looking Back

I did a favor for The Ex today…partly for him…partly because it could potentially benefit me (I’m not an idiot)…but it required that I go back to the old house – the house still on the market…it was harder than I thought it would be…

I agreed to go searching for his birth certificate in our old shed – a shed he filled with his few worldly possessions before he left town a couple of months ago – on Wednesday or so…I dreaded it all week…it messed with my head a little bit…

The dread turned into emotional baggage by Saturday…I cried a lot – for no good reason…this morning, getting ready to go, my stomach hurt…by the time we got on the road, I was in agony…it’s just a house now – none of my things are there…but I haven’t been back on nearly a year (one week until the year anniversary of my move, actually)…

I wondered if it would look different…I wondered if new neighbors would notice the strange car, the strange woman, the loud children…

I pulled onto a side street that I could probably navigate in my sleep…every nerve in my body was at attention, just waiting for…something…I pulled down our old road…the boys chattered away about “our house.” It stung to hear, but I forget they don’t have bad memories attached to it like I do…to them, it was a house they were growing up in, with loving parents, a dog, a life they enjoyed…

I never found his birth certificate…I found mice droppings, a gigantic bug, and lots of leaves…but not what I came for…I texted The Ex to let him know, packed up the boys, and drove off…I didn’t look back…

I could feel myself getting mired down in the weight of that old life…I had a 50 pound weight on my chest…I felt tears stinging my eyes…

And then…

Aidan: “Tell me to fart, Sean!”

Sean: “Fart, Aidan!”

Aidan: “Blphhhhhht!”

Followed by peals of delighted laughter…

Thank you, boys, for keeping it real for me…that place is a part of the past…I won’t forget it, but I won’t dwell on it either…driving away from town, the weight lifted…

I’m only looking forward now…

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