Blog Archives

Working On Mother of the Year

Apparently, hope springs eternal, and I’ve decided to try for the totally real fictitious Mother of the Year award…

I had lunch with Aidan for Thanksgiving…mmm, pressed turkey and canned green beans…I had lunch with Sean for Thanksgiving….mmm, turkey lunch meat and canned green beans…clearly, I didn’t attend for the culinary horrors delights offered for lunch…after last weekend’s scare, I feel compelled to be more involved…I just want to do stuff with them…

And because I’m a glutton for punishment feeling this way, we’re going to go see Santa as he arrives at the mall tomorrow…with the other hundreds of shrieking children…yaaaay…the boys are excited, so that’s all that’s supposed to matter…my impending headache is nothing compared to that…

Then, because I’m insane a good mother, I’m driving my children to Georgia to see their father…actually, I’m driving to Georgia for him to sign necessary paperwork to move the sale of our old home along faster, as he claims he has no access to a printer or the ability to sign anything digitally (the only excuse I would believe)…to give you the scope of this, the drive to Georgia is over 5 hours – and we’re doing the trip in one day…yaaaay…I like a good adventure, and I plan to be as prepared as possible for this…a charged Nintendo DS, a charged iPad, snacks, drinks, blankies, and an understanding that we will stop to use the bathroom at least twice – each way…yaaaay…

Oh well, no one ever said winning a fake award would be easy…

 

Remembering What’s Important

It’s easy to get bogged down in the day to day, forgetting what matters most…intellectually, I know that my children and my family are what matters most…the people I love matter…but it’s easy to take that for granted – until you’re reminded…

This week, for the first time in my life, I feared for my children…I’ve been nervous before…I’ve been anxious, worried, stressed before…I’ve never feared for them…thankfully, they were ultimately fine, but I spent a nervous night wondering if I had made a horrible decision leaving them in the care of their now ex-babysitter…if you’re going to go all crazy on me, I’m going to assume you’ll do it with my children…if you’re going to make unreasonable demands of me, I’m going to assume that you’ll do that to my children…once I lose trust in you, there’s no way you can be around my children…that’s just how I roll…

It’s a long, dramatic story that ended up fine…for various reasons – Mom #2 being the main reason…I’m not sure what I would do without her sometimes…but, for the first time since I began travelling for work, I was ready to go home because I needed to hug my babies tight…I needed to feel their warm little bodies close to me…I needed to see for myself that they were fine…

Sunday, I came home and their excitement to see me was contagious…I bravely decided we would go out to dinner…just the three of us…we survived…sort of…Sean has a new habit of telling me he needs to use the potty, requiring that I take him to the bathroom, only to sit down and then say he’s “done” when he never did anything in the first place…thanks, dude…this immediately requires washing of hands, because, well, ew, gross! Aidan likes to make paper airplanes out of his place mat, but I get to be the one who threatens his life if he throws it…

The fun didn’t stop there…because I effectively fired my babysitter, I had no childcare on Monday – Veteran’s Day…schools were closed and so were daycares…we’re doing this wrong, I think…I worked from home…well, I struggled to concentrate on the task at hand while mini tornadoes tore through my house for about 8 hours, but let’s call it work…fun times…fun. times.

My eye started twitching around 3:00 p.m…I haven’t been so happy to go into the office in a long time…but despite all the insanity, the whining, the crying, the punching, the wrestling, the tearing apart of my clean house, I noticed a difference in myself…I signed up to attend Aidan’s Thanksgiving lunch at school…which means I’ll attend Sean’s (gotta be fair, you know)…Santa is coming to the mall this Saturday, and I asked the boys if they would like to go…by the way, a resounding, “YES!!!” on that one…

I’m so happy to be back with them (despite the twitch I’ve developed every time one of the boys says, “Tell me to fart!”) that I’m taking advantage of opportunities to spend time with them…if this had been a “normal” trip away, I would have dreaded coming home to the routine…I would have dreaded the return to their normal selves after the excitement of my return wore off…that didn’t happen this time…this time, I was forced to remember what’s important…I hate that I spent even one moment afraid for my children…but I’m happy that my perspective was forced to change a bit…

Sometimes I Forget

Crazy as it sounds, sometimes I forget that I’m a tough cookie…that life has thrown me curve-balls, and I’ve adapted and adjusted…and thrived

I forgot and let myself get very low this weekend…and then a nickname-less someone reminded me…he reminded me that I’m awesome…that I’m strong…that I’m intelligent…that I’m beautiful…that I accomplished more than most by myself – even when I was married…

I worry so much about the future that I forget the past and I neglect the present…

But no more…I’m a mouthy, smart ass who just happens to be smart as hell, driven as hell, and determined as hell…I’m not bad on the eyes, and I love with my whole heart…it’s time to remember that, revel in it even…

Watch out world, I’m back.

So This Happened…

So this happened this weekend:

Yeah, I’m one lucky girl.  2012 Toyota Corolla, only 20 miles on her when I drove off the lot VERY late Saturday night…thank God for The Step or it never would have happened…I have an amazing family, and while I’m always thankful for them, I will be even more thankful each time I get behind the wheel…

For the first time since 2003, I have a brand new, never been owned, pretty AND reliable AND fits my personality car…and I shall name her Ginnie…no, not Ginny or Jenny…or Virginia or Jennifer or any of that…Ginnie…think of it what you will…that’s who she is…and I love her…

I bought her first accessory today:

 

Her first piece of jewelry – and a nice-smelling air freshener.  It sparked a teaching moment for Aidan…

Aidan: “I, um, looooove the new air freshener, Mom.”

Me: “You do?”

Aidan: “Well, I don’t want to hurt your feelings so yeah, I love it.”

Me: “You don’t have to love it.  And as long as you speak nicely, you can share any opinion you have with me.”

Aidan: “Oh? Ok…I hate the air freshener, but I didn’t want to hurt your feelings.”

Me: “Why don’t you like it?”

Aidan: “It’s too girly! It has flowers and stuff. Oh, but there’s a spider up top. I like that!”

For the record, it’s not a spider, it’s a flower, but I didn’t tell Aidan that.

Lesson learned (hopefully) – be nice and respectful and feel free to give your real opinion…I hope that sticks…I’d rather he be different from me in that area…I’m always nice and respectful…but I white lie to protect feelings with the best of them…

Oh yeah, and this happened:

 

Sean’s birthday! It was actually Monday, but we celebrated on Saturday when Mama and The Step could be here. We were supposed to do presents and cake in the middle of the afternoon, but the car-shopping experience took the entire afternoon and evening. Birthday festivities were at 8:00 p.m. while we waited for pizza to arrive. The adults, who hadn’t eaten since breakfast (myself, I’d had a whopping 250 calories 12 hours prior) scarfed down cupcakes and then stood in the kitchen and ate pizza hovering over the sink, as if we were in college and had no home-training…

 

You had to know it was going to be Thomas the Tank Engine, right?! And that little mark down at the bottom? Aidan’s finger just couldn’t help itself, apparently…

Oh, and if all of THAT wasn’t enough, this happened, to:

 

That’s Aidan, at a Cub Scouts Shooting Sports Day program, learning about BB gun safety before he was allowed to go near the BB guns. I wish I had a picture of him attempting to shoot, but Mama and I wrangled Sean…and bought a Cub Scout uniform…and drank water like we were in the Sahara…

Aidan attempted to shoot the BB gun…and never hit the target…but that’s ok…he tried archery…and hit the target twice – when the adult leading the archery pulled his arm back for him…but that’s ok…he’s not a natural athlete – he’s my literary, sensitive, loves art and music child…Sean, I think he’s going to be a linebacker or something…

He had a great time, scarfed down his hot dog lunch in record time, and declared Cub Scouts, “Awesome!”

And yes, every bit of the above occurred on Saturday…and I’m still freaking exhausted…but I have Ginnie…and I’m happy…and I have one less thing to worry about…and life is good.

 

Uh Oh, It Happened…

I’m in like ya’ll.  It might be love…you tell me.

We were on the phone last night, and I suggested we watch a movie on Netflix together.  Sweet, right?  Long-distance relationship and we’re sharing a “normal” moment.

What movie did I agree to watch?  Rocky.  Yes, made in 1976, starring Sylvester Stallone, Rocky.

Shhh, don’t tell anyone but I kind of liked it.

What will I be doing tomorrow night?

Watching the Giants game online while he watches it on ESPN or wherever.  I’m not even sure what ESPN stands for…Everyone Supports Primitive Natures?  No, that can’t be right.

If he still wants to speak to me after patiently explaining for the 17th time what a field goal is, we might be ok…and that was a joke, people.  I know what a field goal is – it has something to do with the ball they use for hockey , right? (Kidding!  Jeeez, give me a little credit.)

I haven’t made up a cute nickname for him yet, because I’m not ready to write about it.  Mostly because I want to keep this little bit of wonderful amazingness (is that a word?) to myself.

But just know – he’s gotta be some kind of wonderful for me to watch Rocky and a football game in my lifetime, let alone in the same week.

 

A New Chapter

I’ve been mulling over an idea for the past few days…and I’m still mulling…but I need to leap…I need to follow a dream…and be willing to work my ass off for it…

Every once in a while, I wonder in amazement at the changes I’ve gone through and the experiences I’ve had in the past 16 months, since February 13, 2011…I was becoming a different person in 2010 – the person I’d been before could never have left her husband…2011 was a year of turmoil, challenges, and changes…I’m halfway through 2012, and sometimes it doesn’t feel real…

I have only myself to depend on to get from day to day – and strangely, I’m ok with that…yes, I get lonely…yes, I get emotional…and yes, it can derail me from time to time…but overall, on the whole, I’m a strong woman…I’m raising two little boys – and they’re ok…I’m not warping them…they’re happy…they’re healthy…and that’s partly because of me…

I started this blog more than a year ago because I was overwhelmed by own feelings and emotions…I needed a way to sort through it all…I needed an outlet where I could let out my emotions…and believe me, there has been some word vomit – hell, I have an entire category titled “Word Vomit.”   This blog was my salvation…

Right now, I don’t need it for the same reasons I once did…I actually enjoy talking about the weird and funny crap the boys do more than I need to talk about how I’m feeling…not that I don’t sometimes need to work through something in my head – and this is still the best place for me to do that…

But what if my experiences could help someone else?  Make them realize that there is light at the end of the tunnel?  Let them know that whatever dark period they’re facing in life doesn’t last forever? I’m not the type to give advice to people I don’t know…I think that’s extremely presumptuous…advice to the people I know and love?  Well, that’s different – I know them, so clearly I know what’s best for them…ha!

My idea is two-fold…

I’m considering changing the direction of my blog…focusing less on myself and more on the boys and crazy crap they do…I know my life doesn’t revolve around motherhood and parenting…and eventually, I’ll be in some sort of relationship that will have it’s own brand of crazy that should probably be written about…but that would need the permission of the other person…and hell, if that ever happens, I could always change direction again, right?  But by and large, my life revolves around trying to be a single parent, provide for my children, and keep my sense of humor – all with little boys who are naturally funny…if I do change things up a little, it will be a while…I’ve got to figure out how to switch gears…so it may be a slow process…or hell, I may shock the crap out of myself and it won’t be hard to do at all…

And here’s the other part of my idea…I think I want to take parts of this blog and turn it into a book…in a perfect world, someone would walk up to me tomorrow and offer me a job where all I do is write for a living…but since that’s not going to happen, I guess I need to make my own opportunities in this life…and if some of what I’ve been through, experienced, discovered, and learned could help someone, why not?

I have no clue how long the process will take…I have no clue whether anyone than my mom and my YY will ever read the damn thing…but if I want to be a writer, the only way to start is to write…I don’t know how long it will take – 6 months, a year, longer?  I don’t know if I’ll ever make any money doing it…

But I do know one thing…when you start moving down the right path in life, doors seem to open up and opportunities appear to pop up out of no where…and nothing has seemed more right in a long time…and I need a new chapter in my life…

The Benjamin Boys Aren’t Expecting This

I’m my father’s daughter…sometimes I forget how much alike we are…but sometimes it pops up at the most random times…

Aidan got in trouble today at Boys & Girls Club…regardless of how he misbehaves for me, he’s thought to be an angel by a lot of people…today he screwed up…and he knew it…

He was walked out my someone who works at the Club…and I had to sign a note stating that I understood what Aidan had done wrong…I immediately got very quiet…and very angry…

Aidan got into the car and immediately started quietly crying – this wasn’t sadness…this was nerves, pure and simple…even he knew this wasn’t going to be good for him…I told him we would talk about it when we got home…I have a feeling that was the longest five minutes of his life – good…

I knew what I was going to do for punishment…but I didn’t know how I was going to approach it with him…and I immediately wondered if all the stony silences my dad put me through were simply stall tactics – because that’s what I was using it for…but knowing that it was bothering Aidan actually helped…let him suffer a little and be worried about what I would do…he needed to worry…the Club doesn’t play – they will kick you out if you’re bad enough…and I’m tired of him not taking me seriously…

We got home…he was still crying…I was still silent…I got Sean settled, and then I had it out with Aidan…I never raised my voice…I never got in his face…I was serious, stony, and very non-Mom like with him…he understood that I was serious…

Did I get through to him?  I think so…Will he get in trouble again?  Not anytime soon…

Was I reminded that my dad’s blood courses through my veins?  Oh hell yeah…and even though he doesn’t understand it, now Aidan knows, too…

Bittersweet Weekend

It was great – because it happened…it sucked – because it ended…

I saw everyone I wanted to see this weekend…and I was completely content…until I wasn’t because I was impatient to get to see the next person…have I ever mentioned that I’m not a patient person?

The weekend didn’t really go like I planned at all…torrential downpours and stressful lives will do that…but when I put my silly disappointment to the side, it was exactly what it needed to be – a chance to spend time with people I love beyond belief…

And while I was filled with frantic energy on Friday – gotta get there, let’s get there, are we there yet?, Saturday and Sunday were peaceful because I still had time…it was Monday that hurt…I’m never ready to leave…a part of me goes missing when I leave…a part of my internal puzzle…I’m not complete anymore – functional, yes, but incomplete…

The reality is that only one thing stands in the way of my own happiness…a J-O-B…if I had one of those, I’d be back there in a heartbeat…the one I have right now isn’t one you walk away from without a damn good reason…and in this economy, you don’t ever walk away from a job without another one waiting (hell, you don’t do that in any economy)…

I cried for the first hour that I drove back…for multiple reasons – and they all know who they are…and then I did what I always do…I set it to the side because I have to be able to function…and wallowing in my own self pity and misery aren’t conducive to that, thankyouverymuch!

So I’m back at it…tomorrow is another day…I’m learning to find peace with myself, by myself…I’m reminding myself that those darling children don’t really need to be sold to the gypsies, although, I am often tempted…and I’ll look forward to the next opportunity to complete my puzzle – even if it’s just for a few minutes…

Happy Mother’s Day

I wasn’t going to do the obligatory Mother’s Day post…but I changed my mind…

Mama and The Step came to visit on Saturday and we celebrated Mother’s Day with dinner…dinner with two cranky little boys – of course…

I sort of slept in today…on the couch and I could hear the boys when they woke up and rushed in to see their grandparents…I smiled a little because I was glad it wasn’t me…

I tried to keep sleeping even after everyone came downstairs – be shocked, but it wasn’t possible…

I had the luxury of an uninterrupted shower…and I took advantage of that by staying in the shower for probably 30 minutes, water bill be damned!

By 10am, they were on the road and we were back to normal…except I felt lonely and Sean cried because he hates when his grandparents leave…

I made the mistake of mentioning on Facebook that all I really wanted for Mother’s Day was a day with no meltdowns…I should have known better…Sean had three or four little mini-tantrums…yay.

Aidan surprised me with a handmade card…It had six “x’s” and six “o’s” – Aidan pointed out all the hugs and kisses…the inside was the best part – “You’re the best mom ever. You’ve done great work for me.” All together now, “Awwwwww….” He really is a sweet boy…

I lost an hour somewhere in the day…at one point, I thought it was 6:30pm, and it was really 7:30, and I rushed to get the boys their bath and in bed…

I’m getting ready to go out of town for a week for work…made the gray hair go away, packed (mostly), painted my nails…you know, the important stuff…

So, there you have it…Happy Mother’s Day – to me and all the moms out there in the world…

Am I Really THAT Girl?

I realized today that I’m one of those women that men complain talk about when they say women say yes when they mean no…damn it…

For whatever reason, Mother’s Day has been on my mind a lot…there’s very little I can do for my own mom, but I will do everything I can to make sure she knows she’s loved and appreciated…the boys will do whatever projects the school/daycare offers and it will be very sweet…

But I haven’t been able to stop thinking about how The Ex (before he was The Ex) never made any holiday a priority, and especially not Mother’s Day…there were never gifts…there were never projects with the boys to help them make or do something…we didn’t have a lot of money, so sometimes, when I decided to make it clear I wanted something, I would ask for a clean house or dinner – guess how that went…no, go ahead…

And then I remind myself that I’m the one who, when asked, will tell people I don’t need a gift…don’t bother…don’t go to the expense…it’s not important…you name it…and in the moment, when I say that, I really do mean it…because I don’t think I’m worth the extra expense…I know how hard it is to hold onto money, so when asked, I will always demur and say no…

But, I don’t think I really mean it…I do want someone to think that the occasion is special enough that I deserve something…except deserve sounds so damn selfish…I want someone to disregard the no gift is necessary thing…ignore me and get me something anyway…except how can I expect someone to read my mind? And I really don’t like to be ignored…

The fact that I miss something I’ve never had seems to be my own fault…and I’m own worst enemy…

I can hear the advice now…but I don’t think this is just about me being able to ask for what I want…I think it’s also a matter of believing it’s ok for someone to spend money on me, to give me something I didn’t necessarily earn…

Why I’m preoccupied with this now that I’m single and it doesn’t matter, I don’t know…chalk that up to another confusing thing about women, I guess…

%d bloggers like this: