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Of Two Minds

The sad state of affairs is that many (not all, thank God) single parents have to be both Mom and Dad to their children. I’m no exception, and I think I need more practice.

At times, I want to be the softer, indulgent Mom who says, “Oh, they’re so sweet, it will be ok. Come give me a hug.” But then I remember that I’m trying to raise them to be good men, so I have to become a hardass with them again.

I watched my mom and my YY with them over Thanksgiving and was simultaneously jealous and a little frustrated at how indulgent they could both be. I forget though that for me the antics and craziness of the boys is common and therefore annoying…but for family who don’t get to see them, it’s cute and playful, and “Aren’t they adorable?” No, actually, they aren’t. I’ve told them 10 times NOT to say “butt” at every opportunity. It ceased being cute about six weeks ago.

I’m not out trying to get re-married anytime soon…and the way my personal life has gone in the past few days, the odds of it happening are even slimmer than a week ago…but, there are some things that I hope I don’t have to do and that by the time we get to these milestones, I’ll have found them a father…and in some cases, any ole father will do – even their own…

Puberty – please don’t make me explain why there’s hair down there…please. And God help us all if I have to explain what happened to a boy in the middle of the night and why the sheets have to be changed.

Sex – my idea of dealing with this is to make sure they have a supply of condoms, because I refuse to raise grandchildren while my own children are still in high school. But at some point, a conversation is going to have to occur with regards to Tab A and Slot B. I really don’t want to be in the room for that one.

Driving – I didn’t get my license until I was 19…because I was just that bad. And I’m a cautious driver who, when nervous, drives like an old woman.

The proper way to treat girls/women – Ideally, they would see this done the right way, but my life doesn’t seem to want to cooperate right now, so someone’s going to have to explain it to them. I could do this, but don’t these lessons sink in more from a guy who can tell you what happens when you don’t?

While I’m not on the prowl or anything, I hope that a miracle occurs, and I’m not doing the single mom thing until they’re in their 20s – at which time, I shouldn’t be doing anymore raising of anyone.

Fear: Making People Stupid Since The Dawn of Time

Big Brother tells me all the time to watch out for fear because it will cause you to do stupid things…I hate it when he’s right…I think about the situations that make me fearful in nearly every aspect of my life…I think before I act, I analyze, I’m cautious…except for matters of the heart…

And I let fear get the best of me…and if This Man that I adore was not thinking clearer than me, I might have scared him off for good…

For someone who stays pretty dispassionate (on the surface, only on the surface), men can drive me to extremes I didn’t know existed…with The Ex, when I was angry, I screamed…and I mean, screamed – people who know me wouldn’t recognize me if they witnessed it…

This Man, inadvertently, brings out my overly emotional and fearful side…it’s not his fault, but he’s the catalyst…

We’ve mostly just talked for the past few months…old friends who reconnected…but at some point, my heart got more involved than it should…than either of us is ready for…and now I’m so fearful of losing him, that if he was a different man, I would have driven him away this weekend…but thankfully, he’s one of the few men on the planet who can handle me…and he admitted to me tonight that he mostly just sighed and thought, “Oh brother…”

Ok, first – thanks dude, really?!  But second, I am so thankful that he gets me…had we been face-to-face, he probably could have snapped me out of it with a look or word…

I’m a typical Scorpio…and, while I’d like to pretend I’m not, I’m extremely insecure when it comes to love and relationships…so, match meet tinder…a small explosion was bound to occur…and I’m pretty sure it won’t be the last…

I’ve pretty much conquered fear on a lot of levels – both personal and professional…this is unchartered territory, and I have a lot of previous baggage to deal with…if This Man can survive some of that (while I survive some of his baggage) we may do just fine…but I’m pretty sure this won’t be the last time I show my ass and then have to eat a little crow and beg forgiveness for my own stupidity…

That’s Just Creepy

Some things are just creepy…some things just give me chills – and not the good kind…a wiggly tooth, blood pouring from any wound anywhere, roadkill, vomit in my hair (that totally happened)… and strange men who troll Facebook looking to hook up…

Yeah, I said that…’cause, yeah, it happens…

I’ll go out on a limb and hypothesize that it happens oh, I don’t know, everywhere…just call me Captain Obvious…but there’s something inherently creepy about it happening on Facebook…and what’s got me really icked out is that I was receiving these hook up offers without even knowing it, and thanks to the latest Facebook upgrade I can now see other messages I couldn’t before…

Nearly everyone discussed my smile from my profile pic (because my privacy settings don’t let people see much else)…but I think my personal favorite was when I was compared to Lady Jane who usurped Anne Boleyn (sp?) for King Henry’s affection…wait, what?! And none of the messages indicate that any of these men can spell, understand grammar, or have the aptitude to spell words out in full…I am not impressed with a two-paragraph email that looks like a giant text message…

So while I am in no way interested in being propositioned by a stranger, especially through Facebook, I can at least respect a little actual effort…I wouldn’t respond, I would still feel a little icky, but there might be a kernel of respect for the (obviously) lonely man who lives in a basement somewhere that actually put in real effort…unless the Lady Jane thing was what a concerted effort looks like…in that case, no thanks…

Heaven help me if I ever become so lonely as to consider responding to a message that looks a little like this: “oh dear…i got trapped by ur elegant beauty…hope to read from u soon.” Really?! Please don’t hold your breath waiting on that one!

Am I Intimidating?

I’m sure the answer to that question depends on who you ask…I’d like to think my friends would laugh hysterically and say hell no…

But it’s something that I’ve been thinking over for a couple of weeks now…

Several months ago, I was in a conversation with a male friend about, I believe, my constant worry that I was going to spend the rest of my life alone…if I remember the conversation right, I asked him how people viewed me…ok, how men saw me…his answer?

“Michaela, you walk around with a don’t fuck with me attitude, and it’s very intimidating.”

Wait, what? 

That comment has stayed with me ever since…part of me thinks, “Damn straight!”…another part is very confused…I know I’m often deep in thought which causes me to look and act serious…but unless I’m in a completely uncomfortable and new situation where I just want to disappear, I don’t think I walk around feeling that way…with my friends I laugh and talk…with people I’m not very close to, I’m usually smiling (at least)…and if I consider you a close friend, I’d like to think I’m very considerate, sweet, and loving (most of the time)…

And, now that I’m re-entering the single world (ok, whatever, I’ve jumped in with both feet and am having a pretty good time), I’m starting to think I might be a little intimidating…

Ok, so if you’ve followed my blog long enough, you know my opinion about boys and men.

Here’s what I’ve noticed…those of the male species who are willing to approach me are definitely what I would classify as men (though with a few dumb boy tendencies, but it’s all good)…they are dominant, often complete and total alpha males, fairly opinionated, and extremely straight forward…no guessing, no wondering, and when I speak my mind, they might not like it, but they don’t run from it either…there’s usually a maturity level there that I find extremely comforting…(and yes, I realize a man doesn’t have to be a domineering alpha to be a real man…I’m only commenting on the type that I seem to attract)…

And then there are those who my friends point out to me as someone who seems to be checking me out or is “obviously” interested…I say it like that because in my mind, if you aren’t talking to me, I have no clue how interested you really are and I assume you probably aren’t…but these guys shy away, won’t hold a conversation for more than a few minutes at a time, don’t initiate anything, whatever…so my first impression is that NO they really aren’t that interested…but I keep going back to what my friend said…and I have to ask…am I intimidating to some people? Especially those who aren’t the alpha male type?

Another friend has threatened to set me up with some of his friends…oh Lord is all I can say to that…in the course of the inquisition conversation about what I’m looking for, he decided that I need someone who’s “dominant like you are, Michaela.”  Um…is that how you see me, dude?  And is that a good thing?  Guess it depends on your perspective…

Boys, Men, and Observations

So I’m new to the idea of being single (still not technically single, but you know what I mean)…and I’m a people-watcher, an observer…I’ve made some observations recently based on what I’ve seen for myself and the personal issues of some of my friends…and I’ve come to a conclusion that’s not meant to offend and certainly does not apply to every guy, but here’s what I’ve discovered – Some boys are dumb.

So first, a little side-note: in the past few weeks, I’ve made a decision about how I will handle this blog when it comes to my (currently non-existent and unimportant) love life – without express permission from whoever that person ends up being (a long, long, long time from now), I won’t blog about the specifics of that part of my life.  So just know, that what I’m about to say comes from what I’ve seen in general- some personally, some as an objective third-party…and remember, I’m a thinker…I can’t help but dissect some of what I see…

Don’t make us chase you.  My personal rule is that I’m not chasing anyone – and I don’t expect anyone to chase me.  A lot of what I see is in text – Facebook, text message, whatever.  If a chick initiates a few conversations with you, AND you’re interested in her – return the favor.  If she makes it obvious that she’s into you, just tell her or find a way to let her know.  Have you ever seen the movie “He’s Just Not That Into You?”  Trying to figure out the signs makes chicks nuts.  Forget signs.  Just be straightforward…me personally, I love straightforward – even when it’s not what I want to hear.

Don’t word vomit all over us.  No, that’s not an out for not talking about how you feel.  But think about what you say before you say it.  Some things can’t be unsaid…some words can’t be forgotten, even if they’re forgiven.  I have too many friends who can remember every detail of the moment when their boy said something hurtful or stupid that he didn’t really mean. 

Don’t disappear on us or just stay away all together.  Again this goes back to text – text messages, Facebook, whatever.  If you talk to us one day, and then we don’t hear from you for three weeks, that’s confusing – especially if it becomes a pattern.   Here’s the pattern I keep seeing – random text message from boy, enthusiastic response from chick, silence…two weeks later, urgent message from boy, no answer from chick (who’s fed up), three phone calls and an angry text from boy, argument with chick…If you only make me an option, don’t expect me to make you a priority.

I haven’t paid attention to the world of guys and girls since I was 18 – back when I thought I knew everything, but actually knew NOTHING.  It’s amazing how a few years and a lot of life can give you perspective…I don’t think all men are really boys, but I do think the one’s who act like boys are dumb…I feel bad for my friends who go through crap with boys…I get annoyed when I feel myself getting sucked into crap with boys…

I can’t speak for other women, but here’s what I want – honesty and straightforwardness…the more real, weird, and uncomfortable the conversation, the better (to me).  If you think someone is a cool chick, tell her.  If you’re into her, tell her.  If she’s not responding to it, move on – or stop trying to be subtle.  Some of us (me, especially) are sort of dense when it comes to stuff like that, subtlety is lost on me.

Ok, so, for the  men out there (if any guys even read this – and I have no clue if they do), I have a few questions for you.  I genuinely want to know and I’m asking because, well, it’s my blog and I can…and because I like understanding stuff…note: I’m going to ask these questions, and I don’t really think I’ll get a response but if Ido, I’ll definitely be impressed:

1. Do guys really want girls to make the first move or is that just a bill of goods we’ve been sold by rom-coms and self-help books?

2. If a girl does make a move and you’re not interested, does that make it weird to be around her later – or is that something else that’s all in our head?

3. If a chick (inadvertently) shows her dorky side, does make us seem a little more normal or do you just walk away thinking, “What a dork!”? (Ok, that question is more for me because I have a LOT of dork moments.)

Raising Boys

I almost called this “Shit My Kids Say” or “Shit I Say to My Kids,” but I can’t ever remember enough of what happens after it happens for that to be very meaningful. 

Today, I actually uttered the statement, “Aidan, please remove the rocks from your underwear.”  And later, “Aidan, please take your face out of Sean’s butt.”  Sean was wearing his diaper AND pants, I swear.

Aidan says (with great frequency), “Mommy, I have a weeeeeeener.”  Which is usually followed up with, “Mommy, do you have a weeeeeeener?” (He adds the emphasis, by the way.)

And I have no idea if being obsessed with one’s penis is normal for a 5 year old boy.  If the men I know are any indication, it’s probably normal when they’re 35, too.  I just want to raise relatively well-adjusted boys into relatively well-adjusted men.  And lately, it seems like I’m doing it on my own.  So of course, I worry about screwing them up more so than every parent screws up their kids.

But, on the bright side (because there is ALWAYS a bright side), I seem to be letting go of my need to control every situation.  Anyone with children knows that as a parent you have NO control.  I still make plans, and back-up plans, and back-up plans for the back-up plans, but I’m slowing learning to let go…a little.  And just roll with it.  They aren’t giving me any choice.

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