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I’m Happy

Ask my Facebook friends and they’ll tell you I can stop posting about having good days…and unlike some folks on the interwebs who post things that they wish were true (for whatever reason), I really do continue to have good days…for a very simple reason…I’m freaking happy…

I feel like I’m figuring out my life…I’m about a week out from the one year anniversary of the day my divorce was finalized, and I feel like 360 (or so) days later, I’ve finally gotten good at life…

The boys are – well, they’re boys…that pretty much tells you everything you need to know, right?  But I can handle it…I don’t fall into despair…I don’t pull my hair out…I do contemplate a trade with gypsies every now and then…

Financially, I’m still broke – but I’m not scared…if you’ve ever been so broke you were terrified, you know what that feels like…I’m finally moving forward with my life…it’s still tight, sure…but I don’t spend time lamenting how hard it is or the what-ifs (I hate the what-ifs – they can haunt your ass if you’re not careful)…I feel like I’m moving forward instead of standing still or even going backwards…

People have come in to my life that I never expected…and that makes me happy…makes me glow…makes me feel more myself than I ever have…everyone should be so lucky to connect with people who get you at your core…and like you for it…

I don’t have anything insightful, meaningful, or even funny to say about it…I’m happy – plain and simple…

I’m Just Happy

I feel like the luckiest woman on the planet, right now…and I’m not sure what I did to deserve it…

No, I didn’t win the Lotto…but I feel like I did…

Plans I put into place are coming together…things are working out the way I had hoped…is this proof that I can make good decisions, that I know what I’m doing?

I feel like I can breathe…I feel light as air…I feel like it’s ok to hope and dream again…

Why now? Why me and not someone else?

No, I’m not complaining…and I’m not trying to jinx myself…and I know there’s no good answer to my questions…

It just feels so out of the blue…

The results of my good fortune are already being felt…I’m becoming less self-involved (finally)…I have room in my head, heart, and world to focus on the people who matter…

Ironically, it would be better to feel this way when things aren’t going well, but that’s hard to do…

The surprising part about feeling so good is that I want to spread that feeling…I want others to feel as wonderful as I do…I want to share my joy…

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You know what I like the best about this picture? I look happy…not for any particular reason…just because…

Wishing and Worrying

I’m a wisher…and I’m a worrier…which means that I often worry that the things I wish would happen, won’t…seriously…

I often wish my life was different…that I had more money…that I had a new car…that I could do more for Aidan and Sean…that I could do more, be more, have more…that I could be with my family, This Man, BFF…

Then I worry…about how to earn more money…what I’ll do if I have car problems…how I’ll deal with whatever the boys need next…that I’ll never be more than I am right now…that I’ll never have more with This Man than I do right now…that I’ll always be alone…

Exhausted yet? Yeah, me too…

But I think I’m moving past some of that…I don’t know if I’m growing up…I don’t know if I’m beginning to accept my life as it is…I don’t know if it’s a change I’m going through…

I don’t longingly wish for things I don’t have…I don’t worry that I can’t handle the next stressor that comes along…

I know that things happen in life when they’re supposed to happen…I know that I can handle just about anything life throws at me…I know that worrying about things that might never happen is a waste of time and energy…I know that hard work, perserverance, imagination, honesty, heart, and love will get me a lot further down this path I’m on than wishing and worrying ever will…

My Pride vs. My Dignity

Sometimes I get confused between my pride and my dignity…my pride gets in the way – a lot.

I don’t seek out help when I need it most…because I’ve convinced myself that I shouldn’t need help…I’m 32…I’m a college graduate…I’ve got a decent job, hell I have a career, not just a job…

What the hell does that matter, though?

I had to drop my pride this week, so that I could retain my dignity…it was hard…it was emotionally draining…it was exhausting…and unfortunately, it was necessary…

What is dignified about running to family every few weeks begging for help? What’s dignified about failing to properly take care of my boys? Not a damn thing…

Sometimes I have to remind myself that the only thing that matters is raising good boys into good men…and I will do whatever is necessary to make that happen…pride be damned…

As hard as it has been, my pride is on the ground, temporarily forgotten…but my dignity has been preserved…

Facing The Giants

I thought of my blog title while talking to Big Brother today…yeah, this blogging thing is an illness sometimes…he and I were having a very serious conversation about my no-good, really bad day on Friday…

I really did pay attention to his advice, but being the eloquent guy he is, that phrase stuck with me…

I was bemoaning some of the issues I’ve been going through…and as always he reminded me that I am so much more than my problems…he promised, as someone who has been there, that I will make it to the other side and these days will be just a blip on my radar…

He chided me on burying my head in the sand on some of the issues in my life…he told me to face the giants, and know that having to tell someone things they don’t want to hear is not the end of the world…

Y’all, I hate confrontation…even when I’m right, but especially when I could be wrong…it’s the fear of an argument that I may not be able to refute…it’s the fear (yes, fear) of being yelled at and of disapproval…

I consider myself fairly intelligent, but I don’t always think fast on my feet…especially in a heated moment, or at least what I fear might be heated…so instead of having a moment of not knowing how to respond to something negative, I prefer to just avoid it…I’m a total ostrich…

The big problem with that? Most of the time the confrontation I fear never materializes…and as Big Brother always reminds me, if I do what I know is right, the confrontation doesn’t really matter…

/sigh…I guess I gotta start facing those damn giants…

Some Days Are Better Than Others…This Wasn’t One of Them

I don’t know how I managed to keep my game face on today, but I did…I wanted to cry at 10am, and it was 10pm before I let it go…

The hits kept coming all day…typical stuff, random stuff, stuff that probably isn’t that big a deal, but felt bigger because of my mood…

I should probably discuss the details, get it out of my system…but I don’t want to…some stuff doesn’t have to live on the internet forever…and it doesn’t really matter…I believe the technical term is “same shit, different day.”

There are rare moments, today was one of them, when I wonder if I wouldn’t have been better off staying married…sometimes it just seems too hard…sometimes the number of changes and adjustments are too many and too overwhelming…my heart immediately rejects that notion, though…because I want something better than I had in my marriage…and before someone who doesn’t know offers a lecture, I worked damn hard on my marriage for years before I was strong enough to walk away…

I want something I didn’t believe in when I was married…I want the freaking fairy tale…I want the man who gets me and doesn’t run screaming…I want to have someone I trust enough to lean on…I want the man who understands I don’t lean easily but makes me…I want to be romanced…I want to be loved…I want to be brought back down to earth when I get too nuts and I want to be lifted up when I get too down…

I got sucked into an episode of Say Yes to the Dress…that didn’t help…but I know if I ever get remarried, I will get the freaking fairy tale dress, and I dare anyone to try and tell me no…

On the bright side (because there’s always a bright side), I did not emotionally eat my way through this day…

The Will To Change

Everyone probably needs to change something in their lives…I’d love to meet the person who doesn’t need to…I already know plenty who don’t think they need to change…

I can name several things that I’d like to change…my ability to procrastinate on the things I don’t want to deal with…my inability to save any amount of money, even if it’s just $1 a month (I promise that’s about all I can do some months)…my (new) inability to focus on my own health for more than about 5 minutes – it’s new because I spent 3 years losing weight with nothing more than focus, determination, and hard work…

I think I know what I need to get back on track…I need to rest and rejuvenate…I mean, actually rest…get a real break from work and kids…but I live in the real world…not everyone gets the luxury of taking time away from their lives to refocus, so I’m no different from anyone else…so what do I do?

I have to find the will to make the changes necessary to move forward in a more positive way…I need to remember that the quicker I get through the dreaded stuff, the quicker it’s over…and often no where near as bad as I fear it will be…I have to be willing to not run through drive thru and spend $5 when I don’t really have that money to spend and it’s unhealthy…but it feels like a sacrifice…

I recognize the falseness of that thinking…not having the “luxury” of spending a few dollars on crappy food sounds silly…but it’s a mindset I have fallen in to and I don’t know how to change it…I remember growing up broke and being told no, a lot…I remember getting easy credit in college, feeling like I had money, spending it, paying it all off, and then spending it again – ruined my credit for a few years…I remember being pregnant with Aidan and making about $8 an hour (with no income from The Ex)…

I’m not any different from a lot of people…money is tight for most of the world…what I can’t get over is how not spending money (that I don’t have) is a sacrifice…and then I need to find a way to figure out how to be ok with the “sacrifice” if it means that I save a few dollars or I have breathing room, financially or I eat less crap, which is killing my health…

The first step is the will to change…the next step is the first small step of change…either way, for whatever reason, I’m stuck at that first step…which makes me wonder where my focus, determination, and ability to work hard have gone…why can’t I just strong arm my way through this until I make the necessary changes?

It Could Be Worse

I tell myself, and others remind me all the time, that it could be worse…I know that’s supposed to be comforting, but it mostly just scares the crap out of me…you mean, the situation could get worse??

I am a single mom with no help from The Ex…so without looking at a single bank statement, you know I’m one of those “working poor” that politicians keep talking about (and no, I’m not making any political statements)…I work…I have a good job…compared to people with real problems, I’m a freaking millionaire…

This isn’t a re-hash of my money stresses…it’s a given that someone in my situation is broke…what has me upset today (as opposed to any other day) is that even though I am fully aware of my situation, I get really angry when I have to ask for help…I won’t ask for help for myself unless it’s huge (Bubba not working correctly was huge)…but I can go without…and in some cases, so can the boys…

As long as necessities are taken care of, the extras are just that – extra…but I get so tired of saying no all the time…and of explaining that I can’t afford that…or suggesting that they ask Santa (even though I know damn well Santa isn’t bringing that toy)…so today I reached out and asked for help…and now Aidan will get to go on a field trip (2 actually)…and he’ll get to play basketball in January…

What bothers me is the blow to my pride when I ask for help…and I can hear people now…this isn’t about pride…I shouldn’t worry about my pride…pride doesn’t matter when it’s your children…I know all of that…but when you don’t have much else, sometimes pride and dignity are all that you have…I have a lot more than most people…I recognize that…I have a safe place to live…I have lights, heat, running water, and food…there are people in my own town that don’t have that…I am lucky…no one has to tell me that…

It could be worse, and that’s what scares me…

A Taste of Freedom

I don’t consider myself a materialistic person…sure, I like nice things…but I don’t value things over people…and yet, a nice and reliable vehicle is something I would kill to have…

For one amazing weekend, I have the opportunity to drive a decent car…Bubba is such a crappy vehicle that I can barely trust it to get me to work and the boys to daycare and school…so when I needed to get the boys to my mom’s this weekend, my only good choice was to rent a vehicle…thank goodness for the $9.99 special from Enterprise…

It’s a Mazda 3…it’s not the top of the line, it doesn’t even have power locks…you know what? Who cares about power locks when there are so many other things to need…like good gas mileage…and good brakes…and the ability to turn the steering wheel without pulling a muscle…and the lack of fear about the newest noise that sounds bad…

And there are the intangibles…feeling good about driving it…not feeling like I could tip over if I turn too sharp…not being afraid of slick roads…feeling pride in driving something nice…

I’ve gained a reputation for being an extremely cautious driver…you would be too if you felt unsafe in your car…and if you had to constantly worry about gas mileage…I learned a long time ago that if I slow down to 60 in a 65, I could save a ton of gas…I know some people feel safer in big vehicles…not me…give me a small car…please…

I had forgotten about my love of driving…in all these months (years if I count the last couple with my beloved Grand Am), of worrying about the condition of whatever car I was driving or the gas mileage it gets, I forgot that I enjoy driving…

No one ever really understood that I didn’t mind the 45 minute drive to work…when I was still married, it was my time to think…it was my time to jam out to good music and unwind…once I became single, I had to worry about the time and distance from the boys…don’t get me wrong, I needed to move…but I miss the drive on the open road…

I love getting on the highway, blasting the radio, and driving a few hours to get to my mom’s or wherever…driving represents freedom to me…the freedom to come and go as I please…to get a destination in mind and just go…and this weekend I’ve gotten a little taste of that freedom…I’m thoroughly enjoying it…and dreading giving it up on Monday…and wishing I could buy something like it, and take one less thing off my pile…

I sort of have this mental list of stressors that have to be dealt with…I ended a bad marriage, check…I moved closer to work and out of a house with bad ju-ju, check…reliable, gas-friendly car that lets me come and go as I please and that I’m proud to claim, notsomuch…additional income so I don’t feel like I’m choking everyday, no lightbulb moments yet…

But this weekend, I get my freedom back…I just hope I can handle letting it go again on Monday…

Focusing on Me

I’ve had a fairly quiet weekend which has given me plenty of time to think…

Normally, I don’t like a quiet weekend because then I dwell on the fact that it’s just me and the boys 99.9% of the time and sometimes that’s just depressing…but this time is different.  I used the quietness (?) to think about internal stuff instead of focusing so much on the external (when will I ever get a break, when will I ever leave the house again without 2 small children in tow, when when when!)…most of that is pointless.  Whatever is supposed to happen will happens when it’s supposed to happen…

I can’t control Almost Ex, I can’t control work, I can’t control anyone (including my own children, unfortunately) but me…so that’s what I’m choosing to do…I’ve got plans for myself but if I keep focusing on the stuff I have no control over, that will be what consumes me…and I’m too damned tired for all of that…

I spent a lot of time reading about health, food, and fitness this weekend.  Most people don’t know it but I’m an actual weight-loss success story.  Before I became pregnant with Sean, I spent about 3 years losing 88 lbs – the hard way.  No pills, no points, no surgery – just exercise and portion control. 

Of course, I gained weight while I was pregnant – more than I wanted to, but by the time he was a year, I’d lost all but 3 lbs…and then I managed to maintain that weight…until I started the whole divorce process.  I’m an emotional eater so for a couple of months, everytime I went near Almost Ex, I left with an urge for a cheeseburger…and I indulged myself everytime…so 10 more lbs later, I’m feeling pretty crappy about my weight loss efforts…

I’ve noticed that doing what I did to lose the first 88 lbs doesn’t really work anymore…before I ate whatever I wanted, I just watched my calories…if I wanted cake, I ate cake…if I wanted chocolate, I ate chocolate…as long as I hit the right number by the end of the day, no biggie.  Well, maybe it’s because I’m older, maybe it’s because I’m closer to goal, but that does NOT work anymore…

So after a lot of reading this weekend, I’m going to try the most basic thing I know – exercise (of course) and eating NATURAL foods – as Jillian Michaels says, “If it doesn’t have a mother or come from the ground, don’t eat it!”  And that, sadly enough, involves trying not to drink Diet Coke…because I’ve never seen a Diet Coke plant and if I had, I’d have a whole field of them.  I’m not giving up caffeine completely, I’m just not going to drink it in carbonated form…no more processed foods – which will definitely cut out a lot of sugar and other crap I don’t really need.

I don’t know if it will work, but if after a couple of weeks, I’m not feeling better or seeing a positive change, I’ll try something else…the point is that I’m going to focus on myself…I’m even going to attempt the truly impossible – 7-8 hours of sleep a night…EVERY night…Based on what I’ve read, that may have a lot to do with my weight not going down, too…

I know that eventually I’ll want to not be completely and totally alone anymore…but what good am I to someone if I’m no good to myself?  As long as I take care of work when it’s time to work, and the boys when I’m with them, then the rest of the time needs to be about me…

I’ve been searching for something for a few weeks now that isn’t there, hasn’t been there, isn’t going to be there…I don’t really know what it is, but I’ve felt like I was looking for something and have constantly been disappointed…so I’m done with that…if it means I sit in a quiet house more often than not, that’s ok…I’ve just got focus on me right now…

And for those who have wisely pointed out that I need a vacation, you’re damned right I do…I haven’t had a week off from work since I was on maternity leave with Sean (he turns 2 on September 10), and I haven’t GONE anywhere (other than my mom’s house in MS) in YEARS (for pleasure…I’ve gone plenty of places for work)…so yeah, I know I need a break…and when both work and finances cooperate, I swear, I’ll go…

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