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A Digital Girl Living In A Digital World

For someone who proclaims herself a talker (the fact that I have two blogs and an idea for a third (sad but true) probably automatically makes me a talker), I really don’t like actually talking…on the phone at least – don’t tell my mom though…for all the times I’ve rambled for more than 30 minutes without taking a breath, she might not believe it…

If I could interact with the world completely through text and email, I would.  I’m just better at the written word.  When I speak, it never comes out like I hear it in my head – unless I’ve mentally prepared for whatever we’re talking about (“mentally prepared for” is code for “obsessed over”)…I’m not a naturally eloquent speaker…but I’m an excellent typer! I suck at small talk…I’ve gotten better over the years because I had to learn at least a little, but it’s not a natural thing for me…

It’s gotten so bad that I actually communicate better with This Man through email than I do over the phone.  If we were in the same physical space, it probably wouldn’t matter…part of my distaste for talking on the phone is that I can’t read body language and facial expressions – so that I know when to shut up or change the subject or whether my attempt at a joke actually worked…This Man is one of my rare exceptions to the phone thing…I’ll knock down a little old lady with a walker to get to the phone if I know he’s calling me…

Anyway back to living in the digital world…texting and email was invented for people like me – I don’t really want to physically speak but I want a quicker response than an actual hand-written letter. And while I know a letter received through the mail is really special to a lot of people, I mostly just view another piece of paper as clutter (I hate physical clutter, but have more digital clutter than is probably healthy)…please don’t make me have to hold on to another piece of paper.  But an email?  I have emails that I absolutely view as love letters and that I intend on keeping for as long as there’s a cloud.

I have every email This Man has sent me since September 2011 from mundane to magical.  And while I know he doesn’t always have time to email me (especially as often as I’d prefer being the prolific emailer that I am), every one that comes through sends shivers down my spine…I think I understand the feeling lovers used to get when they received a letter in the mail.  Maybe the rarity of his emails is what makes them so special.

Most people would roll their eyes at the idea of an email being special…or that an email could really be a love letter…we all send off so many emails that take less than a minute to compose everyday that emails aren’t special…so maybe, for me, it’s the intent…for This Man to take the time out of his day to stop, think about how he feels, type it out, and send it, is meaningful…and no, I’m not settling for less than I deserve…my emails from him are the same to me as love letters tied with a ribbon…I pull them out (virtually, of course) and re-read them – for different reasons…when I need reassurance that I’m not dreaming this, when I remember some point he made, but want to read the whole thing, when I miss him and need to feel close…

And there are digital love notes, too…not just sweet text messages, which of course are definitely love notes…but This Man sends me links to songs on YouTube…one day, I’d love to create a playlist of the music we’ve sent back and forth…just because each has a small meaning…most as simple as “I like this one and hope you do too” and some are more than that…

I’m pretty sure my grandmother could never imagine that we would one day go from keeping letters in a box under the bed to holding on to a text message with a YouTube link in it…but (for me at least) they are one and the same…

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Whirlwind

This weekend has officially been a blur…and I. Loved. IT!

I saw my friend, Music Man, Friday night…and didn’t get home until 1:00am. That really was a long day, because I woke up at 5:00am Friday morning…but totally worth it…

Saturday morning I got a few things done – errands and stuff…and then, I took a nap…because I wanted to…because I could…because I was damn tired from the night before…I think I might be too old for staying up late…ha!

Saturday night, I saw Trace Adkins in concert, ate gator-on-a-stick, devoured deep-fried brownies, and split a “bucket o’ fries” with someone…It. Was. AWESOME!!!!  And I didn’t get home until 2:00am.

Mom #2, who was with me Saturday night at the concert, wondered how I will ever top this weekend…I’m not sure, but it’ll be fun trying!

Sunday morning, my friend DD texted me to say, “Let’s do breakfast instead of lunch!” Only for him did I drag my sorry butt out of bed 6 hours after I’d gone to sleep…and it’s only now while I’m sitting here writing this that I’ve slowed down since the start of my day…nearly 12 hours ago…

But, the lease on the new place is signed, the deposit is paid (that was only a little painful), and the boxes are ready to be packed…I was supposed to have done that this weekend, but I was only home long enough to sleep and shower…and tonight I’m so exhausted, I just don’t care…I’ll spend the week getting ready for the move this coming weekend…my birthday weekend…Happy freaking Birthday to me, huh?…actually, it’s a pretty damned good birthday…a new place – ready for new memories…I will start my 32nd year on this planet fresh…yeah, I’m good with that…

The Whirlwind Tour will continue this week as I get Aidan registered at his new school, Sean registered at daycare, the mailbox key dealt with (the previous tenant never turned it back in to my landlord, so I get to convince the USPS to give me another one…fun times…), the utilities turned over into my name, the utilities at the house dealt with, AND I’ve got to get myself ready to be out of the office for an entire WEEK!!!!!!!

I can sleep when I’m dead, right?

Grinnin’ Like A Fool…

Everytime I smile for no reason, my first thought is, “What the hell is going on?” But my mama taught me to never look a gift horse in the mouth…so, I’m not questioning it…much.

I woke up Thursday morning feeling……….normal.  I don’t really know what normal means, but I wasn’t at either extreme.  So, let’s call that normal.  My mornings are always a little crazy, and I overslept by an hour Thursday morning, so I didn’t have time to pay attention to my emotional state (which was refreshing)…(Note: I did NOT freak out over having slept late…that never happens…I always freak out…I HATE to be late…)

I realized something was a little different when I just started smiling…for no damned reason…a good song on the radio, a mediocre song on the radio, the first taste of Diet Coke (that almost always makes me smile, though).  It didn’t matter, I was smiling.  I pulled up to the office at exactly 7:30 even though I’d overslept by AN HOUR…and I smiled because I wasn’t late…

Today, the feeling was a little deeper…I worked my butt off, I’m tired, my feet HURT…and yet, I feel good.  I don’t think this is the manic side of a manic-depressive disorder.  I think something has turned…in my head…somehow…

Here’s how I know something is different: This morning when I finished a project, I had a fleeting thought that I wish I had someone to gush to about how happy I was that everything went well. My next thought was, “But it’s ok that I don’t.” And then I moved on…it wasn’t something to worry over, feel bad about, or bring me down.  It was….acceptance.

Caveat: I’ve never had that before, so I don’t know why I wished for it now.  Almost Ex and I have never liked talking about the other’s day – our eyes tended to glaze over – yeah, we had issues…And yes, I have several people who will listen to me talk about work, but you know what I mean…It’s that desire to have someone that you always call, even in the middle of the day, just to say, “Hey, remember this? Yeah, it was good.”

I sort of, kind of believe in signs (ok, I see signs when it suits me, and I ignore them when it doesn’t)…when I got in the car today, the first THREE songs, back-to-back, were favorites: Give Me Everything Tonight-Pitbull, Last Friday Night-Katy Perry, and then my new feel-good song, Good Life-One Republic. And I grinned like a freaking idiot all the way home…

I don’t really want to over-analyze this too much, even though NOT over-analyzing everything isn’t normal for me…and I don’t want to dwell on it, even though I’m a dweller by nature…part of me is afraid that it’s temporary…and part of me is afraid that I’m losing my mind with all this freaking SMILING…And all I really want to do is dance…while smiling. 🙂

No Desire to Dance

And I don’t mean ballroom…

I love music…and, in the privacy of my own home where NO ONE can see me, if the music is good enough, I’ll get up and dance.  It’s a great workout, it relieves stress, it makes me feel more confident.  Silly, I know, but there it is.

I realized last night that even when I heard some of my absolute favorite songs I felt no urge to dance.  I sang along (which is even scarier than my dancing), but I couldn’t find the desire or the energy to get off the couch.

I can’t stop thinking about it.  Is it a self-esteem thing?  Do I feel so silly doing it that I’ve embarassed myself?  Am I just tired? Is it D. All of the above?

I’ve lost a lot of confidence in myself recently.  I can’t figure out the catalyst but it’s been swift.  I’ve gained nearly 10 pounds in the past few months…I barely exercise…I stress-eat and my preferred food is a cheeseburger.  I’m doing everything I know NOT to do…I can feel my butt spreading, my face filling in, and my clothes fitting tighter…

I will NOT go back to being the fat chick, the sidekick, always the best friend – never the girlfriend…I. Will. NOT.

Everyday, I can feel myself becoming more introverted and unsure of myself…I liked feeling confident…I liked feeling attractive (who doesn’t, right?)…and I’m not sure what to do to snap myself out of it. 

I guess the easy answer is that it’s the divorce, this is normal, blah blah blah…but I don’t accept that.  I’m not unhappy about the divorce.  I’m not even unhappy that Almost Ex has found a girlfriend…well, ok, I’m not excited, either. 

No matter what it is, I need to get over it and get my butt back in gear…

Always Thinking About Something

Well, if I had written this blog yesterday, it would have been a touching story of spending time with my oldest and bonding him with him.  If I had written it last night, it would have been about the need to unplug from my online life for a while.  If I had written it this morning, it would have been about killing a disgusting bug AND disposing of the body…eeewwww!  But it’s Saturday night…

Yes, I spent Friday with Aidan – breakfast, naps, haircut, library, play time with Sean, and a load of laundry.  In between, I worked, answered emails, checked Facebook a million times, and took at least 5 phone calls from the office.  It was a good day.

Last night, I was feeling zapped…I just wanted quiet (still do).  I watched Blue’s Clues with Aidan (I really prefer Steve over Joe).  And the lesson for the night was overcoming your shyness.  Most people don’t believe it, but deep down, I am extremely shy.  But if 4 and 5 years old can put themselves out there with their peers, hell, so can I.

This morning, I drowned a bug in bug spray…and remembered one of the benefits of being married.   Damn, I had to kill AND get rid of the bug myself.  Ick, ick, ick!!!  But, like everything else, I sucked it up and just did what I had to do.  I don’t mind admitting that I did it with 5 layers of paper towels and my eyes closed. ICK!

This afternoon, I was lost in my head.  Which is scary since I was driving two small children around town, but we survived.  My thoughts were all over the place.

What kind of future do I want?  (A successful one, of course.)  Why do I love music so much?  Why do different songs cause different reactions?  Am I hurting my children by divorcing their father?  How long will I be alone? (Note: I am in no way ready for a relationship – hell, I’m technically still married.)  Can I ever overcome my own insecurities to meet someone?  I wonder where those people are going? (Yeah, all over the place.) Will I ever be spontaneous? (If you have to ask yourself that, the answer is probably no.)  Is it really ok to only have a few friends or should I have more?

Mental gymnastics – that’s the only way I know to describe that.  It’s a 45 minute drive home from “The Big City” (Aidan’s term, not mine).  And I spent every minute lost in thought.

I don’t really have a purpose to this blog…guess it’s sort of an inside look into me…I’m a little neurotic, a worrier, and always thinking about something.

The Importance of Music

Anyone who is a friend of mine on Facebook has probably noticed that I post a LOT of music…I love music, it makes me happy.  The right song can either convey my mood or change it altogether…and a great song can make me dance!

Sometimes, I feel like this:

Sometimes, like this:

The songs that make me want to get up and dance (without the aid of alcohol) are usually the ones that would make my mother ask, “Is this music or noise?”

And then there are those songs that just make me happy:

I love love LOVE to dance…in my living room…after the boys have gone to sleep…and no one can possibly see me.  Unless of course, I’ve had a couple of drinks…and then I’ll hit a dance floor and close the place down.  I think I’ve got music in my soul.  Too bad my singing sounds like I’m killing a cat.  I’ll stick with listening and dancing…

As much as I like to dance, though, my taste in music runs the gambit: Rodney Crowell, White Stripes, Michael Franti, Queen, Cowboy Mouth, the list goes on and on…

Music speaks to people (at least it speaks to me)…if you ever need to say something and don’t know how, try music.

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