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It’s Not About Me…Until It Is

I’m sitting here, in this very moment, fidgeting with nervous energy…because I know that in less than 24 hours I will be speeding down the highway to Mississippi…I still find it strange that it’s a place I want to go…I spent so many years trying to get the hell out of there, and now I can’t wait to go back…strange…

Technically, this weekend getaway has very little to do with me…family is coming in from Germany, and I want to make sure the boys get to see them since visits are so rare…and even though it’s only been a month, my mother desperately misses the boys…and of course the boys adore going to Mississippi…so really, I’m performing a public service, of sorts…

Apparently, I’m a bit of an opportunist…Friday – mom, Saturday – BFF, Sunday – This Man…the weekend isn’t supposed to have anything to do with me…but I’m making damn sure to take care of myself, too…so it’s not really about me – until it is…

The Ex has been his usual self, which means nonexistent…and of course it still annoys me…until I realized that his idiocy isn’t actually directed at me…it’s directed at the boys…I was angry with him the other day, and felt like a truck hit me when I realized I was angry for the wrong reasons…I was angry because he’s an idiot…when in fact, I should be angry on the boys’ behalf…except they seem to be mentally moving away from him…they last about 30 seconds on the phone with him…and they’re done, moved on…in a way it’s very sad…but I’d rather them feel nothing instead of hurting all the time…

Realizing that I don’t need to be angry with him on my own behalf actually made the anger disappear…the boys aren’t upset (because they appear not to care), so why should I be?  Being upset with him isn’t going to change anything…and it makes me crazy…I’m glad I made this about the boys – instead of me.

Life is so much easier when it’s not all about me…

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