Why am I always surprised when one little thing changes my perspective? It happens all the time…you’d think I’d catch on…
One conversation with Big Brother today filled me with hope for my future…
One phone call from This Man reminded me that we do better when I chill out and don’t overthink and emote all over the place…
One second of quick thinking, and I turned a bad situation around – I don’t love the solution, but at least I got it fixed…
I’ve been sort of in my head lately, but not enough to have anything to say…I’ve felt like I’ve been in limbo…neither moving forward nor moving back…just existing…and I don’t like to just exist…it’s how you get into ruts…it’s how you settle…I don’t want to settle…so I’ve been trying to work towards stuff, but for a few days everything was stagnant…
Everything is cyclical…right now, things feel like they’re progressing…in a week, I’ll feel the exact opposite, I’m sure…if I can just remember days like today…it wasn’t all good…it wasn’t all bad…but just one little thing can change everything…
If I had sat down to write this an hour or two ago, it would have been a completely different blog than the one that I think I’m about to write…a couple of hours ago, it would have been word vomit. It would have been me emoting all over the place. It would have been ugly.
I don’t feel better now than I did a while ago. But I have a little perspective…I think.
Today was not my best day…not like Monday…I have had to admit to myself that I’m tired, burned out, and overwhelmed…and not just because of the divorce.
And then of course, to make it even better, I went shopping for a bathing suit during my lunch hour. There is nothing more soul-sucking than staring at yourself in the horrible lighting of a fitting room while trying on a swimsuit. Especially when you’ve gone soft, have no muscle tone, and your butt is starting to take the shape of your chair. Grrrrrrreat.
How did I respond to sucking of my soul? Why, I ate a cheeseburger of course! Emotional eating only makes me feel good for about 30 seconds. It’s then followed by hours of guilt and remorse.
So what could possibly have happened that prevented the writing of more word vomit? Aidan.
As I was getting all of my crap, Aidan’s crap, Sean’s crap, Aidan, and Sean out of the car today (this sometimes takes two trips), Aidan asked if he could help me. I don’t get asked if I need help very often. And the fact that Aidan asked, made it even better. Of COURSE, you can help me…hold THIS.
Later, he made me smile by showing my his kung-fu dance (pronounced kahn-fu by Aidan). And then he made me giggle (in my head) when he stated, “I can’t spell ‘kung,’ but I can spell ‘fu.’ F-U.” Sorry, but hearing him say F-U was HILARIOUS!
Now that I’ve had a chance to calm down and stop mentally emoting, I’ve realized that the overwhelming feelings of helplessness I keep experiencing have a lot to do with feeling like I’ve lost control of my life. I feel like things are happening TO me instead of me making things happen for myself.
It’s time to take back control of my life. Nothing happens over night. And I don’t trust anything that’s handed to me. I get where I want in life through hard work. But if I’m working hard with no plan, I’m just spinning my wheels. So now it’s time to come up with a plan…and follow it.
Today is my 9th wedding anniversary…
I didn’t know how I would feel, especially since I wasn’t exactly devastated when I filed for divorce. But I was completely unprepared for how it affected me today. I didn’t miss him, I wasn’t sad…but I was definitely….off.
I remembered to brush my teeth, but I forgot to floss. I remembered to put my make-up on, but I forgot to do my hair. I remembered to put on my jewelry, but I forgot to put on my watch. I forgot to comb Sean’s hair! Thank God I remembered to put on clothes!!
And then I was (metaphorically) sucker-punched. Social media can be an amazing thing – it connects us, it shows us our commonalities. But it can also be used to hurt and I often forget that – because I don’t live my life that way.
I have made mistakes in the past…some people think they understand or have knowledge – they don’t. But to throw my own mistakes back in my face as a way to hurt me…that I don’t get. And it made an “off” day much, much worse…which was probably their goal.
Have you ever had something small happen to you, but it feels like the whole world MUST know about it because it’s so huge to you? Yeah, me too.
I constantly put a lot of pressure on myself to be the best I can be in everything I do – professionally and personally. And when I slip, it hits me on a deep level – it’s difficult for me to recover because I’m so hard on myself. So, I set out to prove myself (to myself)…I put my head down, I work harder than ever before…I don’t ever want to be defined by my mistakes. And so, while I’m piling on the work, I’m piling on the pressure.
All that is to say that by mid-afternoon, as the pressure mounted, I hit a breaking point. Thankfully my Brother-from-another-mother stepped in and calmed me down. He reminded me that I am bigger and better than the pettiness of people who only want to cause pain and uncertainty. He reminded me that hard work pays off.
If that encouragement wasn’t enough, by the end of the day, my sweet boy Aidan brought it all home.
“Oh man…you’re a REAL mom…and you’re very special.” What do you say to that?! Other than thank you, of course…
He heard me talking to my mom tonight as I reminded her that today is my wedding anniversary.
Aidan looked at me with deep concern and said, “But Mommy, you need someone to love!” I immediately reminded him that I have several people to love including him, Sean, and his grandmother. “But Mommy, I want a stepdad…so I can give him a hug.” Ok, so if my heart didn’t already hurt enough, that was the kicker.
Needless to say, he got a lot of extra hugs tonight…and I’ve gotten my perspective back.