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Grinnin’ Like A Fool…

Everytime I smile for no reason, my first thought is, “What the hell is going on?” But my mama taught me to never look a gift horse in the mouth…so, I’m not questioning it…much.

I woke up Thursday morning feeling……….normal.  I don’t really know what normal means, but I wasn’t at either extreme.  So, let’s call that normal.  My mornings are always a little crazy, and I overslept by an hour Thursday morning, so I didn’t have time to pay attention to my emotional state (which was refreshing)…(Note: I did NOT freak out over having slept late…that never happens…I always freak out…I HATE to be late…)

I realized something was a little different when I just started smiling…for no damned reason…a good song on the radio, a mediocre song on the radio, the first taste of Diet Coke (that almost always makes me smile, though).  It didn’t matter, I was smiling.  I pulled up to the office at exactly 7:30 even though I’d overslept by AN HOUR…and I smiled because I wasn’t late…

Today, the feeling was a little deeper…I worked my butt off, I’m tired, my feet HURT…and yet, I feel good.  I don’t think this is the manic side of a manic-depressive disorder.  I think something has turned…in my head…somehow…

Here’s how I know something is different: This morning when I finished a project, I had a fleeting thought that I wish I had someone to gush to about how happy I was that everything went well. My next thought was, “But it’s ok that I don’t.” And then I moved on…it wasn’t something to worry over, feel bad about, or bring me down.  It was….acceptance.

Caveat: I’ve never had that before, so I don’t know why I wished for it now.  Almost Ex and I have never liked talking about the other’s day – our eyes tended to glaze over – yeah, we had issues…And yes, I have several people who will listen to me talk about work, but you know what I mean…It’s that desire to have someone that you always call, even in the middle of the day, just to say, “Hey, remember this? Yeah, it was good.”

I sort of, kind of believe in signs (ok, I see signs when it suits me, and I ignore them when it doesn’t)…when I got in the car today, the first THREE songs, back-to-back, were favorites: Give Me Everything Tonight-Pitbull, Last Friday Night-Katy Perry, and then my new feel-good song, Good Life-One Republic. And I grinned like a freaking idiot all the way home…

I don’t really want to over-analyze this too much, even though NOT over-analyzing everything isn’t normal for me…and I don’t want to dwell on it, even though I’m a dweller by nature…part of me is afraid that it’s temporary…and part of me is afraid that I’m losing my mind with all this freaking SMILING…And all I really want to do is dance…while smiling. 🙂

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Random Thoughts

Today was strange for me…because it wasn’t “the best day ever” but it also wasn’t filled with strife, angst, and confusion.  It definitely falls into the category of “good day” though…

I wanted to blog today but without excellence or a crisis, at first I was at a loss…but I’m always filled with random thoughts…

My kids are freaking smart.  I don’t mean academically; they’re too young for that.  Aidan is keenly aware of what goes on around him and puts two and two together better than most adults I know.  I am in SO much trouble when he gets older…Sean watches his big brother do something once and will attempt to emulate it.  I am in awe of him sometimes…

I need to set more “playdates” for myself. I hung out with a Cool Chick today and realized that I’m becoming more comfortable with big crowds, new experiences, and not having a clue where I’m going or what I’m doing.  And yeah, I should probably set playdates for the boys, too.

I am inordinately pleased when I hear the boys singing along with songs I like.  I think I should be horrified that they know words to Lady Gaga songs, but I’m not.  I crack a huge smile when I realize that all three of us are singing together.  Our personal favorite is Give Me Everything by Pitbull – I should probably be bothered by that…I’m not.

Fabric softener is an amazing thing.  The dryer is broken (it needs a new heating element and someone with the expertise to install it – not a huge priority for me right now) and has been for about a month.  But I just NOW bought fabric softener…what the hell was I waiting for? I might as well have worn a freaking hair shirt everyday. 

I love to read so much that I am willing to sacrifice sleep to finish my book.  Case in point: last night I started a new book at 9:00pm and stayed up until I was finished at 1:00am.  I’d been up since 5:00am the day before when I finally went to bed.  Yep, I’m a reader.  I have a book waiting for me right now that I am absolutely itching to start – and I’ve read it a few times before.

A lot of people don’t realize that I am technically “a weight-loss success story” even though I still have about 30lbs to lose.  When Aidan was 1, I finally got fed up with being fat.  Over about 3 years, I lost 88 lbs.  I’ve gained about 8 of those pounds back during the past few months.  But yeah, I was overweight for my entire adolescence and most of my 20s.  No pills, no surgery, no meetings – just eating right and working out.  It was hard, it took forever, and I REALLY want to get my ass back in gear so I can finally lose the last little bit.  I feel empowered when I’m eating the way I should be and working out.  I love that feeling.

I guess that’s enough randomness for one night.  My book is calling my name…

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