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Falling In Like

I have only touched on this topic a couple of times, because I feel like I’m somehow going to be judged for how I’m feeling…which I know is ridiculous, but I feel like I shouldn’t be feeling what I feel…by the way, that’s a lot of “feeling” for one paragraph…

I’m in “like” with my BBFF…and it’s an amazing feeling…and an overwhelming one…we were in high school together…our “relationship” all those years ago was adversarial at best…we were attracted to one another, but he was a dumb boy that spent more time antagonizing me then wooing me…13-14 years later, we’re different people…and yet, the same…

My issue is not with how I feel about him or how we interact…the progression of us over the past few months has been completely natural and organic…and I believe we’re in sync with each other…we’re both very honest with one another about our feelings, our life, where we’re possibly headed…

My issue is with me…is it too soon to feel this way? Did I start out this way with The Ex and how do I know this won’t end the same way (hint: I don’t know)…is what I’m feeling really real or am I afraid of being alone…will I screw this up? Will I be too intense? Will I worry this to death and drive everyone crazy (probably)? Will I be satisfied with the fact that this has to move slower than slow (for a lot of reasons)?

Right now, a lot of this is mental jumping jacks…we don’t have the luxury of time to spend together…it’s mostly talk, words, emotions…but I’m falling into like…and typical me, I can’t be satisfied unless there’s something to worry about…

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Transforming Into…?

Ok, so I’ve been out of pocket for a few days…Thanksgiving was just ok…the days following were not my best…3 or 4 days with just the boys takes a toll…by Sunday, I was feeling like the worst mom ever…no patience, no tolerance, and screaming children…

And then the best thing happened…BBFF came to visit…I haven’t laid eyes on him since high school…he always has a calming effect on me when we talk on the phone or email…I didn’t expect the same effect when he was actually here, though…I should have…he had the same effect on the boys, too…well, or it was my 3 or 4 reminders to Aidan to be on his best behavior…

Pizza, ice cream, giggles from Sean, good behavior from Aidan…yeah, that’s the best thing ever…

And I turned into some shy girl who blushed…really?! What the hell was that about that??

My head has been pretty clear lately…not a lot of “issues” to deal with…well, none that I’m ready to address here…Not to jinx myself, but I think I might be finally getting to a steady, stable place in my head…

Yeah, The Ex still makes me crazy (was he really this dumb when we were married? did I really make all the decisions for him?)…I’m still not sure if I’m ready for any type of romantic commitment…I have plenty of moments where I feel like the worst mom ever…all typical stuff…

Am I finally getting the hang of this? Am I just adjusting to life? Was the move from the old house really that necessary? Where would I be (mentally) if I hadn’t moved?

I feel like I’m undergoing some sort of transformation…I just don’t know what the end result will be…

Boys, Men, and Observations

So I’m new to the idea of being single (still not technically single, but you know what I mean)…and I’m a people-watcher, an observer…I’ve made some observations recently based on what I’ve seen for myself and the personal issues of some of my friends…and I’ve come to a conclusion that’s not meant to offend and certainly does not apply to every guy, but here’s what I’ve discovered – Some boys are dumb.

So first, a little side-note: in the past few weeks, I’ve made a decision about how I will handle this blog when it comes to my (currently non-existent and unimportant) love life – without express permission from whoever that person ends up being (a long, long, long time from now), I won’t blog about the specifics of that part of my life.  So just know, that what I’m about to say comes from what I’ve seen in general- some personally, some as an objective third-party…and remember, I’m a thinker…I can’t help but dissect some of what I see…

Don’t make us chase you.  My personal rule is that I’m not chasing anyone – and I don’t expect anyone to chase me.  A lot of what I see is in text – Facebook, text message, whatever.  If a chick initiates a few conversations with you, AND you’re interested in her – return the favor.  If she makes it obvious that she’s into you, just tell her or find a way to let her know.  Have you ever seen the movie “He’s Just Not That Into You?”  Trying to figure out the signs makes chicks nuts.  Forget signs.  Just be straightforward…me personally, I love straightforward – even when it’s not what I want to hear.

Don’t word vomit all over us.  No, that’s not an out for not talking about how you feel.  But think about what you say before you say it.  Some things can’t be unsaid…some words can’t be forgotten, even if they’re forgiven.  I have too many friends who can remember every detail of the moment when their boy said something hurtful or stupid that he didn’t really mean. 

Don’t disappear on us or just stay away all together.  Again this goes back to text – text messages, Facebook, whatever.  If you talk to us one day, and then we don’t hear from you for three weeks, that’s confusing – especially if it becomes a pattern.   Here’s the pattern I keep seeing – random text message from boy, enthusiastic response from chick, silence…two weeks later, urgent message from boy, no answer from chick (who’s fed up), three phone calls and an angry text from boy, argument with chick…If you only make me an option, don’t expect me to make you a priority.

I haven’t paid attention to the world of guys and girls since I was 18 – back when I thought I knew everything, but actually knew NOTHING.  It’s amazing how a few years and a lot of life can give you perspective…I don’t think all men are really boys, but I do think the one’s who act like boys are dumb…I feel bad for my friends who go through crap with boys…I get annoyed when I feel myself getting sucked into crap with boys…

I can’t speak for other women, but here’s what I want – honesty and straightforwardness…the more real, weird, and uncomfortable the conversation, the better (to me).  If you think someone is a cool chick, tell her.  If you’re into her, tell her.  If she’s not responding to it, move on – or stop trying to be subtle.  Some of us (me, especially) are sort of dense when it comes to stuff like that, subtlety is lost on me.

Ok, so, for the  men out there (if any guys even read this – and I have no clue if they do), I have a few questions for you.  I genuinely want to know and I’m asking because, well, it’s my blog and I can…and because I like understanding stuff…note: I’m going to ask these questions, and I don’t really think I’ll get a response but if Ido, I’ll definitely be impressed:

1. Do guys really want girls to make the first move or is that just a bill of goods we’ve been sold by rom-coms and self-help books?

2. If a girl does make a move and you’re not interested, does that make it weird to be around her later – or is that something else that’s all in our head?

3. If a chick (inadvertently) shows her dorky side, does make us seem a little more normal or do you just walk away thinking, “What a dork!”? (Ok, that question is more for me because I have a LOT of dork moments.)

I Might Be A Romantic…Or Maybe Not

I’ve never considered myself a romantic.  I think I’m a realist.  I’ve been called a cynic and a pessimist.

I think…a lot…about a lot of stuff.  I think about the past.  I think about the present.  And (being the planner that I am) I think about the future…a lot.  When I’m thinking about the future, it’s with the complete understanding that whatever I plan for is probably NOT what will occur.  But planning puts me at ease, even if I never use the plan, even if I have to come up with a new plan on the spot, even if the plan fails and I have to try again…regardless of all that, just knowing I have a plan makes me feel better.  Therefore, I spend a lot of time thinking about what’s on the horizon.

That, however, does NOT apply to why I think I’m a romantic. I have no interest in a relationship right now (hell, I am still married).  I know that the best thing for me is to figure me out and make sure to have a little fun along the way while enjoying my relative independence.   But when I’m lost in my head, and even when I’m not, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I will not spend the rest of my life alone…I will not be the cat lady.  Whoever it is that I’m supposed to be with into my golden years is out there…I feel silly for even admitting it because I’m so freaking practical most of the time.  And let me say again, I am NOT looking for that person right now…

That being said, I’m not sure how I’ll get to that point…I’m intimidated by attractive people (because I don’t consider myself attractive)…and I’m naturally shy.  Bad combination, if you ask me.  So, when I meet someone new, my defense mechanisms are front and forward – I’m a sarcastic smack-talker…it’s almost a test, I guess…if you choose to get past the shield or if you’re just naturally good at giving as good as you get, then I’m less intimidated and very intrigued…every once in a while, I meet someone I just connect with, and none of the above applies…

But, I also don’t go looking for that kind of thing…I believe things that are meant to be will happen when the time is right.  No need to force anything…and I prefer to have real friends over temporary romances…

Let me go back to something I just said, because I can hear my mom and friends now…I don’t think I’m pretty, beautiful, whatever.  Not because I have low self-esteem…I’m extremely confident in myself, but I don’t pin my confidence on my looks.  I know how to accentuate the good about myself and downplay the things I don’t like…I am not ugly (at least in my opinion)…but I am never going to win a beauty contest…and that’s ok.  I’m not sure why every woman laments her looks privately but can’t say it publicly without being accused of having low self esteem.

I think very highly of myself…I just place value on different things – I’m intelligent, hard-working, trustworthy, loyal, funny (most of the time), strong, stubborn, you name it.  Hell, I lost a ton of weight, became a runner, gained muscle, and am on track to do it all again – that’s not something the whole world can claim.  That being said, when I’m around someone who is “classically” good-looking, I become aware of my lack of beauty…so I tend to avoid those people…or, like I said before, become a sarcastic smack-talker…

So I guess, maybe I’m not a romantic and I’m too practical for my own good…but I still have hope and confidence in the future…and whatever it may bring…

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