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Bittersweet Weekend

It was great – because it happened…it sucked – because it ended…

I saw everyone I wanted to see this weekend…and I was completely content…until I wasn’t because I was impatient to get to see the next person…have I ever mentioned that I’m not a patient person?

The weekend didn’t really go like I planned at all…torrential downpours and stressful lives will do that…but when I put my silly disappointment to the side, it was exactly what it needed to be – a chance to spend time with people I love beyond belief…

And while I was filled with frantic energy on Friday – gotta get there, let’s get there, are we there yet?, Saturday and Sunday were peaceful because I still had time…it was Monday that hurt…I’m never ready to leave…a part of me goes missing when I leave…a part of my internal puzzle…I’m not complete anymore – functional, yes, but incomplete…

The reality is that only one thing stands in the way of my own happiness…a J-O-B…if I had one of those, I’d be back there in a heartbeat…the one I have right now isn’t one you walk away from without a damn good reason…and in this economy, you don’t ever walk away from a job without another one waiting (hell, you don’t do that in any economy)…

I cried for the first hour that I drove back…for multiple reasons – and they all know who they are…and then I did what I always do…I set it to the side because I have to be able to function…and wallowing in my own self pity and misery aren’t conducive to that, thankyouverymuch!

So I’m back at it…tomorrow is another day…I’m learning to find peace with myself, by myself…I’m reminding myself that those darling children don’t really need to be sold to the gypsies, although, I am often tempted…and I’ll look forward to the next opportunity to complete my puzzle – even if it’s just for a few minutes…

10 Years Ago

If I was still married, today would be my 10th wedding anniversary…

And I don’t know how I feel about that…I feel something, because I’ve thought about this day for the past couple of weeks.  Several of my friends on Facebook have celebrated their 10 year anniversaries in the past couple of months…and it only made me think of my own lost 10 year anniversary…

Please do not think in any way that I wish I was still married to The Ex…oh hell no!

It does make me think of what was supposed to be, what might have been, and what’s still to come…

I had jokingly demanded requested that our 10 year anniversary be the year I finally got a diamond ring – a big one…we had said that on our 10 year anniversary we would take a cruise (I would loooooove to go on a cruise)…we had said so many things…but like a lot of our marriage, it was all talk…it was never going to happen…and somehow that makes me a little sad…

I’m not sad that it’s not going to happen with The Ex…but that I never realized it wasn’t going to happen at all…that I fooled myself into believing that I could will him to do something I wanted…that if I wanted it bad enough, I could make it happen – come hell or high water…

So what’s to come?  Who the hell knows?

I hope that I get married again one day…I hope I’m smarter about it…I hope that it’s different and that when I hit the 10 year mark, there are no disappointments…I’m filled with hope about my future…and a little sadness about my past…

The Flipside of Peace and Contentment

Normally I would never post to the same blog twice in the same day…but I had such a beautiful start to my day…and it deserved its own post

I should have stayed on the beach…my day went downhill the moment I left…at first it was nothing but minor aggravations – lunch plans I decided to change…wishy-washy potential buyers of Bubba who kept backing out (yeah, I’m selling Bubba)…and then there was tonight with The Ex…

I knew I hit a breaking point when I cried through both of the books I read to the boys at bedtime…I couldn’t even hide it…Aidan didn’t say anything – that’s not his style…he’ll say something in a few days…

Thanks to some tough love from This Man, I had to face some truths…some of which he doesn’t even know I realized…the biggest? I have spent every moment of the past 13 years trying to make The Ex something he’s not…I tried to make him work…I tried to make him a partner in our marriage…and now I’m trying to make him a good father…

I am so afraid of the boys not having a relationship with The Ex that I include him in family activities, even though I really don’t want to…and he perceives (incorrectly) that I want him around – and I’m always disappointed because he spends the entire time we’re together focused on me, not on the boys…

It’s torture to have him around, but I tell myself it’s for the boys, and I’ll just suffer through…tonight, I guess I felt like I had suffered enough…I started crying and I couldn’t stop…

I feel like a failure…I can’t get The Ex to focus on the boys…I can’t get him to stop flirting with me, talking about his girlfriend, or telling me that he still loves me (God, make it stop!)…

I tell myself I’m doing this for the boys…because they need their father…because they’re better off with both of us…

The reality, though? I don’t want to be wrong – about everything…even though I have been…I was the idiot who married him…and although I wouldn’t have had the boys without The Ex, I saddled them with him as their father…I’ve already done it all wrong…and my biggest fear is that one day they’ll look at me and blame me because they don’t have a relationship with him…

Intellectually I know that could happen anyway…I know that I will endure all sorts of blame and accusations – that’s what kids do, right? At least until they figure it out for themselves…

But I don’t want it to be true…I don’t want them to not have a father because of me…I’m afraid of giving up on The Ex for the wrong reasons…it would be very easy for me to stop trying so hard to force The Ex to be a dad, but I’m afraid that my real reasons would have nothing to do with the boys and everything to do with how I feel – and isn’t that wrong? It feels wrong…

And if I let him slip out of their lives, who do I replace him with? Who else can be a father-figure to them? Yes, single parents have been doing this succesfully for a long time, but even I have to admit that two decent parental figures are better than one frazzled, frustrated, worn-out parent…they deserve better, and I don’t have better to offer them…so I just keep pretending The Ex is what they need…

I’ve been so wrong about so much…and this is the one thing I wish I could get right…

Fairy Godmothers & Knights in Shining Armor

Sometimes I think I suck as a mom…

I have felt weighed down for a couple of days…I don’t have a good explanation for why…I just have…feeling this way affects how I am with the boys – and I hate it…

I don’t want Aidan on my lap – hell, isn’t he too big for that shit now?

I don’t care about potty-training Sean – except diapers are expensive and that’s my only motivation…

I yell at them for small things…I leave the TV on too long…hell, I stayed in bed an hour longer than normal and left both boys to their own devices this morning…a 2 year old and a 6 year old – and I am very aware of how lucky I was that nothing bad happened…

I know you don’t have to have a lot of money to do fun things and keep kids busy…I don’t even want to take them to the park…

What kind of mom am I?

Most people give platitudes – you’re just tired (no shit)…it’s just a bad day (too many bad days)…it gets better (yeah, when?)…they tell me not to be so hard on myself (except I am solely responsible for raising these boys, and I can’t fuck it up)…they all mean well…but it doesn’t change how I feel…

A few weeks ago I was damn lucky and got a genuine break…shouldn’t I just be grateful for that?

I’m not the only single parent in the world…I’m not the only one who does it on my own…how do other people do it?

I cried in the shower today…I had managed to get poop, pee, drool, chocolate milk, peanut butter, and all other manners of crap all over myself, and I hadn’t cared enough to shower until Sean’s nap – I could have, I just didn’t care…

I stupidly wished someone would swoop in and save me, make it all better, fix it…

There are no such things as fairy godmothers or knights in shining armor…this is the life I chose, and I just have to deal with it…somehow, that doesn’t make me feel any better…

I Knew It Wouldn’t End Well

I usually listen to my instincts, my gut…but every once in a while, I decide to be more hopeful and give the benefit of the doubt…even when I know I shouldn’t..

I opened myself up to someone who I knew didn’t really want to be cordial, to be polite, to be decent (and no, it wasn’t Almost Ex)…I knew it, but I told myself that I was being too cynical and too untrusting…sometimes I hate it when I’m right…

Now I feel like I was hit by a truck…and that was the goal, I think.

I’m too tired to play tough…I’m too tired to see the bright side…

Tonight was supposed to be a night to blog about my boys who made me smile so much tonight…tonight was supposed to be a night when I went to bed and actually slept…

And now I feel like I’ve been sucker-punched…and I know I’m being vague, and I’m pretty sure the 2 or 3 people who actually read this are dying to know what happened, and I will probably get a message or call…but this isn’t about what caused me to be upset…it’s the fact that I allowed myself to enter the situation…that I knew the situation wasn’t going to end well…I actually said, “I wonder how this will bite me in the ass.” And I went down that road anyway…

And if you’ve ever been where I am right now, you know why I went down the road…and why it hurts so much that I was right about how it would end…even though I really wanted to be wrong…

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