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Fear: Making People Stupid Since The Dawn of Time

Big Brother tells me all the time to watch out for fear because it will cause you to do stupid things…I hate it when he’s right…I think about the situations that make me fearful in nearly every aspect of my life…I think before I act, I analyze, I’m cautious…except for matters of the heart…

And I let fear get the best of me…and if This Man that I adore was not thinking clearer than me, I might have scared him off for good…

For someone who stays pretty dispassionate (on the surface, only on the surface), men can drive me to extremes I didn’t know existed…with The Ex, when I was angry, I screamed…and I mean, screamed – people who know me wouldn’t recognize me if they witnessed it…

This Man, inadvertently, brings out my overly emotional and fearful side…it’s not his fault, but he’s the catalyst…

We’ve mostly just talked for the past few months…old friends who reconnected…but at some point, my heart got more involved than it should…than either of us is ready for…and now I’m so fearful of losing him, that if he was a different man, I would have driven him away this weekend…but thankfully, he’s one of the few men on the planet who can handle me…and he admitted to me tonight that he mostly just sighed and thought, “Oh brother…”

Ok, first – thanks dude, really?!  But second, I am so thankful that he gets me…had we been face-to-face, he probably could have snapped me out of it with a look or word…

I’m a typical Scorpio…and, while I’d like to pretend I’m not, I’m extremely insecure when it comes to love and relationships…so, match meet tinder…a small explosion was bound to occur…and I’m pretty sure it won’t be the last…

I’ve pretty much conquered fear on a lot of levels – both personal and professional…this is unchartered territory, and I have a lot of previous baggage to deal with…if This Man can survive some of that (while I survive some of his baggage) we may do just fine…but I’m pretty sure this won’t be the last time I show my ass and then have to eat a little crow and beg forgiveness for my own stupidity…

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Separated at Birth or Serial Killer?

So I think I met a sister I never knew I had today…all I wanted to do was find child care for Sean so that when we move, I know where he’s going to be…when all the traditional options for daycare didn’t pan out – if it’s going to cost me DOUBLE to put the boys in daycare and after-school care, then there’s no savings to moving closer to work – I started looking at less traditional methods.

After a lot of long talks with myself about intuition and trusting my gut, I went to Craigslist…and yes, I know, EVERYONE knows a horror story about Craigslist…but if it didn’t work for the majority of people, it would never have lasted this long, right?  And I’m a pretty good judge of people (The Ex, notwithstanding) and I know when my instinct tells me something isn’t right…

So I combed the childcare posts, literally letting my gut guide me on which one’s to even respond to for more information…I bypassed a LOT of them…surprisingly, the ones that sounded the most professional were the people who either never got back to me or took forever….really?!  I came across two that gave a cell phone number and an offer to text or call – since I don’t like talking to people I don’t know, I was more than willing to text them…both responded, but only one was friendly…

Ok, don’t get me wrong, I know the crazy psycho-killers pretend to be really nice before they chop your head off…I get it…but even through text, I got a good vibe…we chatted about all sorts of things for more than an hour…that was last week…this week, I made a point to find out where she lives and go meet her…

And I think we were separated at birth (but don’t tell our mothers)…she’s a year older than me, we’re both Scorpios (read: stereotypical Scorpios), and we have way too much in common…and it wasn’t one of those freaky, scary movie scenes, where I say everything about myself, and she just responds with, “Me too!”  I was the one saying, “Me too!!” the whole time.  I even liked her dogs!

Same favorite color, same favorite stores, same philosophies on parenting (not all – but only because we didn’t have time to discuss them all), same laugh – that’s terrifying, same personality (to a certain extent)…we started talking about school – I went to college, she didn’t get the chance because she got pregnant – but we both love to learn…we both love to write…we’re both addicted to Facebook…we’re both tech geeks (her’s is more with equipment, mine is more on what that equipment can do)…we talked about shopping…we remembered, eventually, to talk about our children…

I told her that I considered asking her if she was a serial killer…she even gets my humor…oh yeah, and we’re both sarcastic as hell…

So now I have to decide – is liking her a good enough reason to leave a small child in her care?

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