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Sometimes I Forget

Crazy as it sounds, sometimes I forget that I’m a tough cookie…that life has thrown me curve-balls, and I’ve adapted and adjusted…and thrived

I forgot and let myself get very low this weekend…and then a nickname-less someone reminded me…he reminded me that I’m awesome…that I’m strong…that I’m intelligent…that I’m beautiful…that I accomplished more than most by myself – even when I was married…

I worry so much about the future that I forget the past and I neglect the present…

But no more…I’m a mouthy, smart ass who just happens to be smart as hell, driven as hell, and determined as hell…I’m not bad on the eyes, and I love with my whole heart…it’s time to remember that, revel in it even…

Watch out world, I’m back.

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What I Know vs. What I Feel

I’ve made some decisions today…because of last night, because of the past 6 months, because of the last 12 years…I’ve been given good advice lately and it boils down to this:  Everything takes time…

My self-esteem is in tatters…I realized that months ago…and it’s going to take time for me to heal.  I have to face that. 

My problem right now is that my head and my heart aren’t matching up.  I know a lot of things, but I’m not feeling them…

I know that I am a good person. I know that I am a good friend. I know that I am a beautiful person who loves deeply. I know I am funny, smart, and “suck-see” (see my Facebook page for that to make sense). I know I can be hot. I know I’m little out there and crazy.  I know I am loving, kind, and caring…I know that…And the bitter, miserable people of the world aren’t going to make me think any differently…not anymore.

Feeling it is harder to come by…I allowed other people to dictate how I feel about myself …I allowed myself to be sucked into someone else’s misery…I allowed myself to feel guilt after I had already dealt with my fair share of remorse…I allowed so much that now I almost believe the bad…because sadly, its easier to believe the bad than the good about ourselves.

I have to face it that I can’t fix this overnight…everything takes time.  So this is where the phrase “Fake it ’til you make it” comes in.   I’m going to fix me…I know what’s good about me, what’s great about me, what makes me awesome…and I’m going to act like I know it every chance I get…eventually, I’ll go from knowing it to believing it.

I’m ready to be my sassy self again…my fun self again…I’m ready to say “Bring it on” to anyone who wants to bring me down.  I’m ready to go all Stuart Smalley on the world…

And yes, I will celebrate when my divorce is finalized…not because I’m happy that a 12 year relationship didn’t last for 50 years…but because I’m starting a completely new phase in my life…and the sky’s the limit…

Yes, life will be hard and I will have bad days…and I will be alone and lonely…yes, I will cry and emote and probably even have a little word vomit…but it’s all good.  The next day, I’ll get up and keep moving forward, keep striving to be better than I am…and eventually, I’ll feel in my heart what I know in my head…

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