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Anxiety…Panic…Fear…

I don’t usually do this, but let me give a disclaimer: This is pure word vomit.  This is me freaking out.  If you would prefer to keep whatever image you have of me, don’t read this one.  This is not me at my best…And I consider this my forum to figure me out…which means I have to face the ugly side, the freak outs…I recognize that I choose to do this in the middle of a public blog…and I open myself up by doing this…but it’s me, and it’s real, and I do not ask for or seek approval or solutions…

Sadly, what started this was actually something very nice.  I had an entire hour to myself this afternoon – no children, no work, no dealing with Almost Ex, just me and the mile-long path around the park…I was in awe of the idea that I had 60 precious minutes.  I walked for 2 miles (can’t wait until I’m running again!), stretched, and actually thought to myself that it was so nice to feel clear-headed…

And then I started thinking…thinking about things I was trying to avoid thinking about…I felt fear creeping in…Big Brother-from-another-mother says that fear can take hold and make you act stupidly…I always try to keep this in mind…but I could feel panic setting in, I could feel the what-ifs flowing into my head like a river…

What do I do when the money runs out? What money?  Its gone…it hasn’t been there.  Almost Ex contributes nothing…it’s not like I can get a second job…that would require childcare, I can barely afford the childcare that I have now…this isn’t about cutting back…there’s nothing left to cut…what do I do?  How do I fix this?  I can’t borrow money because its just throwing money down a blackhole…and I hate the idea of owing anymore money than I already do…how do I fix this how do I fix this how do I fix this? This isn’t a temporary problem…

I had someone tell me (regarding a financial mistake they made that affected me) that I would just have to sacrifice a few luxuries until it was corrected…like what? Electricity or water?  You tell me because there ARE no luxuries…I’m freaking out.  I fix my problems.  I worked two jobs last year when I found myself in this spot…I don’t know how to fix this…

The vehicle that I’ve been stuck with in this process is acting funny, making strange noises, and was never my first pick as a mode of transportation…even when it belonged to Almost Ex…I’m a pretty cautious driver, and I’ve done a full 360 on a wet road in it…it scares me…but what can I do?  I can’t get it fixed (not right now), I can’t get a new(er) one (not right now), I can’t just leave it on the side of the road and let it finish rusting out (even though I would shed no tears over it)…it is what it is…how do I fix this?

Shaking, crying, driving home…with my boys in the backseat…I can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel…I tell myself there is light…I tell myself that I will get through this (and I will)…but none of my planning is working…I should be used to this by now…I’ve been here so many times over the years that it should feel normal…but I fooled myself into thinking this would be different…

And I can almost hear the voices of those who would remind me that I chose to get a divorce and pretty much asked for this…maybe I did…maybe I deserve every miserable feeling I have…I don’t know…I can’t answer that…I just know that I work towards goals and find solutions to problems…and I don’t know what to do now…

I even know (in the middle of the panic) that this feeling is temporary…I will sacrifice whatever I must in order to take care of my boys…I will meet my obligations because that’s what I do…I worked too hard to correct the mistakes of my college years to NOT meet my obligations now…but that doesn’t quiet the panicky voice in my head that keeps asking, “How do I fix this?”

But regardless of how I feel at this very moment, tomorrow morning, I will wake up, put my big-girl panties on, and keep moving forward…what other choice do I have?

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