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Sometimes I Forget

Crazy as it sounds, sometimes I forget that I’m a tough cookie…that life has thrown me curve-balls, and I’ve adapted and adjusted…and thrived

I forgot and let myself get very low this weekend…and then a nickname-less someone reminded me…he reminded me that I’m awesome…that I’m strong…that I’m intelligent…that I’m beautiful…that I accomplished more than most by myself – even when I was married…

I worry so much about the future that I forget the past and I neglect the present…

But no more…I’m a mouthy, smart ass who just happens to be smart as hell, driven as hell, and determined as hell…I’m not bad on the eyes, and I love with my whole heart…it’s time to remember that, revel in it even…

Watch out world, I’m back.

Pity Party Over & Lessons Learned

The pity party and the lessons are actually two completely separate things, but if I hadn’t called it quits to the pity party, I never would have had space in my head to learn the lessons…

I had an absolute pity party for about a week…most of it was in my head…some of it was not

Was I completely justified in my feelings?  Hell yeah…should I have given into them?  Probably not…the reality is that there are times when I will…I have to accept that…and not be ashamed of it…this is hard…it was hard under normal circumstances…it’s even harder now…but if my choices are the life I have now or the life I had over a year ago, I’ll take this any day…

I really did have a moment when I wondered why I even bothered trying to make my life different…I considered, for a fleeting moment, simply accepting my life as it is…wow, that was freaking depressing…

So, after a ridiculous amount of tears last night when I went to bed, I did what I usually do…I decided to put it to the side…tamp down the feelings…and move on…

I woke up this morning in a different frame of mind…not better – but different…

Sean was still sick…he graduated to vomiting…so off to the doctor we went…and I learned a series of lessons today:

  • When a toddler has diarrhea, there are never enough diapers or wipes.
  • When a toddler has diarrhea, you will run out of both – while you’re out in public.
  • People in a waiting room will wonder why you brought the bright, sweet toddler to the doctor because he’s so damn active – until he pukes all over himself, and then they will wonder no more.
  • When said toddler pukes all over himself, you will forget everything in life except the need to find something to clean it up with – including the credit card, phone, and wallet that were in your hand.
  • While desperately seeking paper towels, a sponge, anything, you will frantically try the handle of the ladies room.  And glare at the woman who had the audacity to be using it first.
  • Later, that sweet, pathetic little toddler, who has managed to make a complete recovery will be excited to take a drive in the car.
  • A few moments later, he will also be a screaming mess because you’re making him wait in the car line to pick up his big brother.
  • He will still be pissed moments later, even though you’ve promised him a drink from Sonic.  He doesn’t give a shit.  You made him wait – everyone must suffer the consequences.
  • The sickly toddler will perk up when he realizes you’re going to the library.  He will find a DVD.  He will wait patiently while Brother finds a book.  He will promptly have a bout of diarrhea that smells horrific enough to clear an entire room.
  • He will happily wander the library with the mess in his diaper, moving it ALL around – and I mean, ALL around in the diaper.  His brother will follow him around, holding his nose, and loudly saying, “Ewww, Sean, you have di-uh-RE-UH!”  There will be NO use of the library voice at this moment.
  • You will quickly check out, run to the car, and discover all you have is a pair of Pull-Ups and Boogie Wipes (designed for noses, not asses).
  • You will make do.  You will also get poo on his shirt.  You will drive home with a half naked toddler who feels muuuuuuuuch better.

I swear, there are some life lessons I could do without.

Just One Little Thing

Why am I always surprised when one little thing changes my perspective?  It happens all the time…you’d think I’d catch on…

One conversation with Big Brother today filled me with hope for my future…

One phone call from This Man reminded me that we do better when I chill out and don’t overthink and emote all over the place…

One second of quick thinking, and I turned a bad situation around – I don’t love the solution, but at least I got it fixed…

I’ve been sort of in my head lately, but not enough to have anything to say…I’ve felt like I’ve been in limbo…neither moving forward nor moving back…just existing…and I don’t like to just exist…it’s how you get into ruts…it’s how you settle…I don’t want to settle…so I’ve been trying to work towards stuff, but for a few days everything was stagnant…

Everything is cyclical…right now, things feel like they’re progressing…in a week, I’ll feel the exact opposite, I’m sure…if I can just remember days like today…it wasn’t all good…it wasn’t all bad…but just one little thing can change everything…

 

Leaps of Faith

Two posts in one day?!  Crazy, right?

I’ve got stuff on my mind…gotta get it out, I guess…

I admitted to BBFF today that my mind has been unnervingly blank lately…I can’t handle the things that stress me out…because I don’t think I have any control over any of it…so I’ve just stopped thinking about it…

That probably sounds sort of healthy, but it doesn’t seem healthy…because instead of focusing on other things and thinking about other things, I’m literally (and I do mean LITERALLY) thinking about nothing…there aren’t even crickets in my head, it’s so quiet…

But I think I’ve taken a leap of faith (of sorts) that I’ll figure things out as they come up…instead of worrying and stressing about things I have no control over and can’t seem to do anything about, I’ll just try to make the best decision I possibly can when the issue comes up…that almost sounds like I’ve grown up a little…but I think it’s more that my brain and heart can NOT take anymore…it’s a self-preservation thing

Why is it so quiet in my head?  If I refuse to let myself think about the things that bother me, stress me, scare me, and keep me up at night, why can’t I turn around and focus on something else, something positive?  And I think I have the answer, and it’s sort of depressing…I don’t feel like I have any control over my life right now…I can’t do anything to fix the problems…or at least I feel like I can’t…so I feel hopeless…how do I plan for a better future if I can’t figure out the present?

If I can take a leap of faith that I can stop worrying, why can’t I take the leap that it’s ok to plan for the future?

When I figure out the answer to that question, maybe that’s when I can start to move forward again…

Clear Your Mind…

I firmly believe that the mind can only deal with one major issue at a time…well, it can only deal well with one thing at a time…have you ever noticed that once one stressor is dealt with, another begins to weigh more heavily? It happens to me a lot…

I spent so many years stressed about finances, I didn’t deal with a crumbling marriage…once I corrected the money issue (by working a second job), I had room to think about my marriage…and deal with it…

That principle works for everyday life…my biggest project at work each year just finished Saturday night…it’s an all-consuming event that stretches me to my physical and mental limits…now that it’s over, my mind is calm and has room for other stuff…you would think that it might be work-related, right? Nope, the mind doesn’t work that simply…

Today, while sitting at home with a not-sick Sean (thanks to a cautious daycare), I finally had time and space to deal with the fact that I am very tired of living off of drive thru…which is code for “I don’t feel like I have time to cook.” A casual observer would never know this, but I own about 10 cookbooks, and a million years ago, I cooked all the time…my big, elaborate, use every pot, meals were on the weekends, but I cooked nearly every day…

Because I feel pressed for time from the moment I leave work until the moment the boys go to bed, I don’t feel like there’s time to cook…big cop out, I know…and I haven’t had the mental energy or space to deal with it until now…

The plan? The crockpot…yeah, I hear the big “Duh!” from everyone…I have one cookbook that is filled with nothing but crockpot recipes…and I know there are a ton of recipes online…cooking is the only place I’m still “old school.” Give me an actual cookbook, please…with pages to turn…and food stains on old recipes…

I keep trying to convince my mom of the idea that clearing your mind of one issue frees you for new ideas, plans, and goals…I really want her to retire from her current job…she works for a great big box retail company, but after about 26 years, no woman in her 50s should have to work 12 hour days when she’d rather spend that time with her family…she’s fortunate enough to have a fairly secure future in retirement because she’s been smart for the past 20 years…

But her fear is of not knowing what to do next…I keep telling her that once she doesn’t have to worry about waking up at 3 in the morning, working 12 hour days on her feet, dealing with cranky customers, blah blah blah, she’ll have room to figure out what to do next…knowing her, she’ll be working until she’s 80…but I firmly believe she deserves to do something that allows her to live the life she wants…after all these years, she deserves it…

Clear your mind, and you never know what will fill the space…

Feeling Independent?

I’m not sure about the safety of blogging while drinking wine, so this may be interesting…or not…

It has been a while since I have mentioned the new things that come with divorce…there was the treadmill episode (got it home and in the house myself)…there was the carpet episode (ripped it out and hauled it to the curb myself)…but I don’t think there’s been much more…until today…

Today, I hung pictures – complete with tape measure and pencil to make sure it was even and equidistant…in 12 years, I managed to learn ONE thing from The Ex – picture hanging…

And, I changed out the shower head in my bathroom…I’m sorry, but that counts as plumbing!!

Full disclosure, one piece of the shower head is stuck in my wrench because I can’t get the wrench to release…banging it on the counter didn’t help…and the hammer I used for the pictures? Aidan’s toy hammer because the only tool I have is the aforementioned wrench…

Before you lecture me, I had tools at one point, but I think they travelled to MS in the move…MS with The Step…

So while I felt independent for about 30 seconds, even I had to shake my head at the absurdity of the circumstances…I would never consider myself a girly-girl, but I’m definitely no tomboy, either…just a single woman doing her best with the “tools” at hand…and getting the job done – because that’s all that really matters, right?

The Amazing Power of New Sheets

For the first time in months, I looked forward to going to bed last night…and I look forward to doing it again tonight…and NOT for the reason some might think…there’s no one waiting to warm it for me…

I bought myself new bedding last week…my first Christmas present to myself in 10 or more years…and the first sheets, comforter, pillows, you name it that I didn’t have to ask someone else’s opinion on…and it is quintessentially me…pretty pillows, embroidered flowers, a pretty blue-green color…I didn’t even know it was a “me” thing until I saw it on the bed and until I crawled into bed last night…

Pure bliss…soft sheets that I have never shared with The Ex…I chose it, I paid for it, it is mine…it is me…

And yet…I’m fighting a bout of insomnia…I can’t shut my mind off at night…when I do fall asleep, I wake up throughout the night and stay awake…

My sheets are pretty amazing but not THAT amazing, I guess…

Happy or Less Stressed?

My mom mentioned today that I seem much happier than a year ago…and asked me if I’m happier overall…I don’t really know…I know I’m adjusting to my new life…I know that I’m a less stressed…not because the stress has gone away…I think I’m just handling it better…

I noticed today that I’m a little less intense about things, especially relationships…normally, I’m the type of girl who thinks if you like me, you should be in constant contact with me…I came across this quote in a blog that I adore reading (you know who you are!):

“If he’s not calling you, it’s because you are not on his mind. If he creates expectations for you, and then doesn’t follow through on little things, he will do same for big things. Be aware of this and realize that he’s okay with disappointing you. Don’t be with someone who doesn’t do what they say they’re going to do.  If he’s choosing not to make a simple effort that would put you at ease and bring harmony to a recurring fight, then he doesn’t respect your feelings and needs. “Busy” is another word for “asshole.” “Asshole” is another word for the guy you’re dating. You deserve a fucking phone call.”    ―      Greg Behrendt

And I agree with about 90% of it…the part that I don’t think I agree with anymore is the very first line…there’s someone on my mind a lot…but I can’t always call him…I’ve got a busy life, he’s got a busy life…not calling isn’t a sign that I don’t care or that he doesn’t care…

But feeling this way is new for me…Music Man didn’t call me for 2 weeks, and I was fine…BBFF calls when he can, I call when I can…it’s ok…a couple of weeks ago, I didn’t feel that way…a couple of weeks ago, a serious lack of contact sent me into turmoil…I wonder what’s changed?

Which brings me back to my mother’s observation today…I don’t necessarily feel happy…I still feel like there are too many obstacles in my path…too many things that I want to be doing that I can’t yet…but I’m not unhappy either…

And that leads me to something else…do I seem different?  Different than the beginning of this blog (for those brave souls who have stuck with me since the beginning)? Different over the past year?  Past several years? Have I changed at all?  It’s hard to see change in yourself sometimes, but outsiders looking in often see something we never see in ourselves…so I guess I’m just curious…what changes does anyone see in me?  Do I seem to be happy, less stressed, or just the same as always?

Big, Fat, Hairy…Goals

I’m a goal person…if I don’t have a goal (no matter how small), I feel like I have no purpose…which leads to stress, chaos, and all sorts of negative things…including procrastination and loss of focus…

I complained earlier about feeling soft…I complained yesterday about stressing and emotional eating (today was worse)…I’m sure I’ve gained 10 lbs in the past two weeks – mostly from sweet tea and cheeseburgers…I’ve talked before about taking control and taking care of myself…and it worked, while I stayed focused…

But, that’s not happening anymore…and I feel….blech…

This morning, while I was driving to work, I was thinking about why I’m not able to sustain the focus on myself…and I think my goal is too vague and I’m too vague about how I’m going to get there…I’m a planner…I’m an organized planner…it’s what I do, it’s who I am…

But I don’t plan our meals…I barely write a grocery list…I don’t keep us (as a family) organized…and it’s leading to chaos, utter chaos…and 10 extra lbs…because it’s easier to run through drive thru and order off the $1 menu (especially since sweet tea is a $1 – that’s just EVIL!)…

With any big, fat, hairy goal I give myself, I need a plan…but first, let’s start with the goal.  My birthday is at the end of October (October 30 to be exact).  I thought that it would be fitting to give myself a birthday present this year – the gift of not feeling like mush.  The official start date is October 1 but since I’m pretty excited, I’ll probably get started a little tomorrow…I would like to lose 10 lbs by the end of the month, but overall I want to be less like a side of mashed potatoes (soft and mushy)…

What’s the plan?  That’s where I’m fuzzy – I know I need to eat right and exercise…that’s a big ole duh…but what exactly do I need to do?  Since this goal is a 30 day goal, I’m thinking of doing Jillian Michael’s 30-Day Shred, again…but this time the straight 30 days instead the 6 weeks it usually takes me…but I’m also adverse to pain, so I was thinking 30 Day Shred 3-4 times a week and supplementing with the treadmill 3-4 days a week…opinions?

With the food side, I think I just need to get organized…I’m envisioning charts, calendars, color-coded things…and a trip to Staples to make it happen (I’m sure different colored Sharpies will be involved)…I need to plan out every meal – so that’s it one less thing to think about…and, this is going to sound crazy, but I need to stop with leftovers…I hate leftovers…if I like a meal well enough to want to eat leftovers the next day, I usually end up eating the extra helping the same day I cook it (soooooo not good for me)…and I’ll bring leftovers for lunch the next day with every intention of eating it…and then find 10 reasons why I need to hit the drive thru…bad, I know…I need to accept the fact that I almost never eat leftovers and stop pretending that I do…

I know how to eat, I know what to eat, I know when to eat…I just need to make it one less thing to think about…because frankly, I’ve got too much on my plate (no pun intended) to be worrying about what we’re going to have for dinner…

Time to treat this like the office…where’s my clipboard and to do list?  It’s time to get to work!

Who Am I?

I promise that question isn’t from some meltdown gone wrong.  It’s a question I still don’t know all the answers to…after all these months, I don’t think I’m any closer to an answer…and it’s a little frustrating.

Several months ago, I read an amazing blog post written by my friend Doug Devitre (and yes, normally I would create some cute nickname, but I totally want him to get credit for his blog).  He and I are buds now, but when I first read the blog, I had just met him…after reading it, I felt like I knew him, and he’s definitely a cool dude.  He really gets who he is, what he does, how he does it…the whole thing. 

And I was inspired…I wanted to write a blog like that…so that at the end, a person reading it had a pretty good picture of who and what I am…and I failed miserably…I couldn’t even begin to describe who I really was…past the basics, I mean – mom, check; daughter, check; ex-wife, check (ok, at the time I wasn’t that far along, but you know what I mean)…

That type of blog has become a goal…a big, fat, hairy goal…something so simple and it seems almost unreachable…almost…I do know one thing about myself and I am tenacious with a big, fat, hairy goal…I feel like if I can write that blog (maybe not quite as comprehensive as Doug’s) then I’ll be able to say, “Yes, I know exactly who I am.”

Every once in a while, I start to doubt myself…shocking, I know…I had a great conversation with BBFF tonight…I told him I wanted to be a strong woman instead of a scared girl…he wants it for me, which is sort of comforting…it’s not complicated, it’s not mind-boggling…I think most women want that…

Professionally, I grow stronger and more confident every day…I feel it within myself…the more I learn, the more knowledge I’m able to share with others, the stronger I become…and I love that feeling…personally, though? Hell if I know what I’m doing! I feel like that girl of 18 before I met The Ex who didn’t know what she was doing and was stumbling blindly through the world…and you see how well THAT turned out, right? I’m wiser now, for sure, and definitely more cautious…am I strong?  Probably…you can’t go through hell, survive it, and not come out at least a little stronger, right?

But who am I?  I’m still trying to figure that one out…

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