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Something’s Got To Give…

I’ve been grumpy most of the day…not the whole day – free sweet tea from McAlister’s definitely perked me up…but I’ve been irritable, moody, and GRUMPY for the majority of the day…

I jumped on the treadmill thinking it would get me out of my funk…45 minutes later I felt no better…I actually felt worse because I’d spent the whole time thinking about why I could possibly be so freaking irritable…and I figured it out…

I’m tired…tired’s not even the right word…I don’t think there’s a word in the English language that accurately describes how I feel right now…there is no reprieve….work provides no relief from home, home provides no relief from work…something more is constantly being requested by someone (whether they’re 6 or 36)…

Something’s got to give…I don’t think I’m capable of adding one more thing, making one more thing happen, pulling one more miracle out of my butt for someone…but there’s nothing to give…

I’m a mom…no matter how tired, how exhausted, how whatever, that doesn’t change…and I don’t want it to change…I adore my boys.  I just wish their father was more of a factor…1 or 2 afternoons a week for a couple of hours does NOT bring relief…I just fill up those hours with the things I couldn’t get done at another time…

I love my job…and I take a lot of pride in my work…I spent the first few years paying attention and learning as much as I could about where I work…and that knowledge is being used now when it’s needed most…but there is no reprieve on that end, either…everyday brings another priority…if everything is considered a priority, then NOTHING is a priority…

I want a distraction…a bright-shiny…something that’s not connected to motherhood or work…but that doesn’t take away from the precious little sleep I’m already getting…something that lets me forget for a few minutes that I’m overwhelmed and ready to drop…the treadmill should have been that tonight…but all it did was make me stop (sort of, I mean, it IS a treadmill) long enough to focus on what I didn’t want to think about…

And God, I hate to sound like I’m whining…I really have been in a great place for several days…and I’ve had some great moments…even today, Eebee was able to get me to laugh (as usual)…I’ve just been forced to admit to myself that I’m at the end of a rope…and I just need someone to hand me a little more so I can tie a knot in it and keep on going…

Maybe I need to figure out how to do that for myself…maybe that’s part of this process…maybe I just need to figure out how to be more self-reliant…I wish I knew the answer…

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The Power Of A Good To-Do List

I’m tired, exhausted, weary, droopy, flagging (I looked up “tired” on thesaurus.com)…I’m at the end of my rope…I just want to lay down and sleep…I don’t have that luxury.

It’s so bad (and apparently, I look so bad) that the first thing people ask  me is, “Are you all right?”  And the answer is, “Of course, I am.”  And I am.  Some moments are harder than others, but I’m fine.  Sure, there are moments I’d like to give in to self-pity…last night, I did.  But for my own sanity, I can’t stay in that place…I have to shrug off the crap and move forward.

The worst part (this week) has been the feeling of paralysis…I have so much going on – professionally and personally – that its impossible to know where to start.  It took an enormous effort each day just to figure out what to tackle – and then get it done at my usual pace.  But I did it, and its taken a toll.  Now I’m on my 138th wind of the day…

Then I did something very simple…it’s so simple that I don’t understand why I didn’t do it on Monday…before I left the office today,  I made a to-do list for next week.  Ok, so it’s two full pages and it looks overwhelming.  But when I get into the office on Monday and I start getting things done, I can cross each task off the list…and ta-da, a sense of accomplishment is born. No more paralysis…

So tomorrow (not tonight because I can barely keep my eyes open), I’ll make a to-do list for the house.  And slowly (verrrry slowly), I will cross things off the list.  I won’t try to do it all in one day…but I will achieve a sense of accomplishment – which is MUCH better than feeling stuck in one place.

I’m a single mom with little-to-no help from Almost Ex, so there’s not much I can do about the tired thing…but I won’t let myself be overwhelmed to the point of paralysis anymore…it’s too draining…it’s too time-consuming…it’s not worth it.  I won’t give in to self-pity even though it would be easy to do…I will keep doing what’s hard (but right)…I will move forward, do the best I can for my boys and my career, and get to the other side of this period in my life…because I don’t want to imagine the alternative.

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