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Me Time

What is that saying about the best laid plans? Yeah, I don’t know either, but sometimes it sucks being a planner…when the plan doesn’t happen…

I was supposed to go out of town on Saturday…but that didn’t happen…so then I held out hope for Sunday…nope, nada…thankfully, I’m not a person who enjoys being miserable, so I made the best of it…

I dropped the boys off with the sitter who will watch them while I’m out of town for work on Saturday…I tried to combine a personal trip with a professional trip and the only part of the plan that’s coming together is the professional trip…*sigh*….and knowing that my plans had been thrown into chaos, I still dropped them off with the sitter…I needed the “me time” desperately…

It took me a while to figure it out…when I got home Saturday morning, I cleaned my house, exercised, and then cleaned my car…until Mom #2 called and said to meet at her place at 1:30 p.m. for a surprise…a surprise that I was driving to because I have the “nice car”…it was worth the trip! A facial and a pedicure just because….holy shit! I’ve never had a facial and it’s been two months since my last pedicure (I was resigned to painting my own nails this week as all my money was spent on a babysitter.)…then we went to dinner and THEN to a movie…whoa…an actual girls day/night…huh? These really happen? People actually do this?? Guess so…

By Sunday, I had the hang of this whole relaxing thing…I had saved all my gift cards from my birthday thinking I would be spending some quality time out of town, shopping with someone…when that didn’t happen, I took myself shopping…four stores later, and I’d only spent $15 of my own money…not including the CUTEST hair cut…

 

See? How cute?! That one thing made my whole day…well, and the fact that I found a suit (that FITS) for $21…my first suit…I feel like a big kid…and yes, I’m taking it on my trip this week…

I ended Sunday night with a couple of glasses of wine, some dark chocolate, burning candles, and a good book…that’s how every single day should end, I think…well, I can think of a couple other ways, but if I have to be alone, that’s how my day should always end…

Today, well, today, I slept…I didn’t get out of the bed until 10am…only to shower and go scrounge for food…I took myself to lunch…came home…finished my book…and took a nap…and even though it’s not quite 7pm right now, I could go back to sleep…but I want to finish my wine and start a book, so no sleep yet…

I’m not used to being by myself…I’m not used to just doing what I want to do…but I like it…and, be surprised, I actually miss the boys a little…which means by the end of this week, I’ll miss them a lot…that’s a nice change of events…I should have more me time, I guess…

Last Week’s Hell Was Worth It…

I started smiling at 5:15am on Saturday and didn’t stop until about 9:45pm on Sunday…I only hit the snooze button once on Saturday and the morning routine was the smoothest it’s been in months…the boys didn’t fuss…I wasn’t stressed or worried…I was anxious to get there, though…

Saturday morning was with my mom…Saturday afternoon and night was all BFF and margaritas…oh hell, the margaritas!

Sunday was This Man…and it was perfect…I was the most relaxed and content I’ve ever been…there were no worries, no stresses…just blissful time spent together away from our real lives…and no, I’m not giving details – I don’t kiss and tell…

I stopped smiling at 9:45pm because that’s when I needed to leave…he had things to do, and I needed to be back home for a meeting this morning…and I felt like I was being punched in the gut…I felt like a part of me was being ripped in half…

I listen to my instinct, my gut, to get me through life…and every fiber of my being said not to leave…not because something bad was going to happen, but because it was wrong…I do what I’m supposed to do whether I want to or not all the time…this was no different…

I cried…I hugged him…I drove away, sniffling…and then I do what I do best – I put my emotions to the side, buried them where they couldn’t hurt me, and moved on…life has to go on regardless of what I might want to happen…

But I miss my mom…I miss BFF…and I miss This Man…and my world no longer feels quite as right as it did this weekend…

Every temper tantrum, every aggravation, every moment of The Ex’s idiocy last week was worth it for 2 days of life being right.

My Shrinking World

I realized something today…and I don’t know whether I view it negatively or positively…my world has become very small…

I think my world was small long before I became aware of it…

My world is work, home, kids…work, home, kids…I see the positive – I’m focusing on the things that are important…I’m getting better at it all on a lot of levels…I’m not stressing about what I don’t have…

I see the negative, too – I’m not thinking big about anything…I’m not dreaming…I’m not hoping…sometimes, I think the “hope” has been beaten out of me…it’s scary to hope for something…it’s scary to leap…I’m good at solid and stable…I’ve played that role for a long time, and since I’m the only constant for the boys, it’s a role I’ll be playing for many more years…

Sometimes I wish I could jump and hope…screw up royally or be a screaming success, but either way, I hoped for something…that seems irresponsible as a single mom…I can’t afford to screw up the safe, stable, solid life I’ve built for the boys…even if it means my world is shrinking…

If I could dream big and expand my world? Let’s see…

  • I’d own my own business…doing what I love and am good at…I’d get paid to communicate for living…I’d get paid to write…
  • I’d run head first into love…I wouldn’t worry, I would over-think it…
  • I’d travel around the world…I don’t even know where – I can’t think that big yet…
  • I would speak my mind more often and follow my instinct…it all goes back to not over-thinking everything…

No complaints about the size of my world right now…as long as I don’t forget that I’m capable of expanding it…

 

BBQ, Ice Cream, and Fireworks…Oh My

I don’t really have anything major to talk about today…but when I blog, I feel more connected to the world somehow…and as much fun (more so for Aidan than for anyone else) as today was, I need to feel connected…to something. 

I surprised myself the other day when I decided to take the trip down to Destin today.  In good traffic it’s an hour drive.  This is tourist season and the area is booming, so I knew it wasn’t going to be pretty.  But it was more important to me that Aidan get to see fireworks than the aggravation of bad traffic. Monday night is out of the question because 9pm fireworks don’t mix with a  4:45am (me) or 6am (them) wake up time on Tuesday. 

The traffic was HORRIBLE.  I’m not sure why the Florida Department of Transportation and the Mid Bay Bridge Authority ever thought that four lanes of traffic to get through the toll should squeeze into one lane for the bridge. Its a little scary when its the off-season.  Today was insane.  And that was after the hour I sat in traffic just trying to get TO the toll.  Aidan’s best line of the whole time we were stuck in traffic: “Mommy, we have to be done driving and start walking because my feet hurt!”  You sure about that, dude?

Sometimes I wonder what people are thinking when they see me with the boys…like tonight, when we got home from watching fireworks.  Both boys were asleep so I brought Sean in first.  When I put him down in the living room and went to get Aidan, he began screaming.  When I went back outside to get Aidan, Sean followed…crying and screaming, sounding rather pathetic, actually.  Our neighbors across the street were outside and stopped talking for a second when they heard him.  I couldn’t help but wonder if they were thinking, “Oh Lord, there’s that crazy woman and her rowdy kids” or if it was more along the lines of “that poor woman and her sad children”…OR if it was “Thank God that’s not me chasing after two boys!”  Somehow, I’m thinking that if they thought anything at all, it was the last one…

The night was good…I blew almost all my cash…mostly on Aidan – glow-in-the-dark things, the bouncey-house, a balloon parrot…and of course there was bbq and ice cream.  We waited 20 minutes for ice cream…and then the fireworks started.  I gave Aidan the option between getting ice cream or getting out of line and watching the fireworks…he chose ice cream.  We saw about 5 minutes of the fireworks…but that was ok because that’s all Sean could handle…did you know that feeding a toddler ice cream will get him to stop crying in fear over loud noises? 

I spent so much cash that I didn’t leave myself enough for the toll bridge back home…so we went the long way home…but we made it, and now they’re sacked out…and I’m the dork blogging about nothing at 11:00pm…

Aidan was happy with the adventure (once we got there)…Sean is so laid-back that all he cared about was his supply of apple juice…and I’m impressed with myself for making the trip…today was a good day.

 

I Get By With A Little Help From My Friends…

If this morning was any indication, today should have been a crappy, crappy day…it wasn’t, by the way. 

Sean’s daycare was late opening up today…an hour late…I dropped Aidan off first, Sean dumped the rest of his breakfast all over his lap, I cleaned everything up, and decided to get breakfast for myself and apple juice for Sean at Sonic.  The system was down and they could only take cash, which I almost never carry…I went to another Sonic (because I REALLY like Sonic first thing in the morning), got breakfast, and then spilled Sean’s apple juice all over me…dammit…dropped Sean off (finally) and made it to work 30 minutes late…I really, REALLY hate being late…that doesn’t sound so bad in retrospect, but if this had happened last week,  I would probably have been in tears from pure frustration…

The difference?  I’m rested, rejuvenated, refreshed, and ready to go.  It wasn’t a full weekend off, but it was something.  I knew I needed it, I’ve needed it for weeks now, but I didn’t know how much good a little rest could do for me…Work was a breeze…I checked things off my VERY necessary to-do list, felt like I accomplished something, and left work without feeling harried…every day should feel like that!

But the most important thing (and it’s something I need everyone’s help with) was a conversation I had with Big Brother and Mom #2…I was explaining to Big Brother that my divorce could be final by mid-August – 6 months from start to finish…and he asked me how I was going to celebrate…

I don’t know if I can “celebrate” my divorce because that doesn’t feel right to me…I don’t want to take joy in Almost Ex’s pain…so I’m trying to reframe it in my mind…I’ll celebrate a new beginning in my life (it sounds much better)…Big Brother was not impressed when I said I was planning on getting a new tattoo…I’m not getting it because I’m getting a divorce…I like tattoos, and even I can save $50 in the next 6-8 weeks…

Mom #2 and Big Brother presented an idea (that I rejected out-of-hand at first) that I should plan a trip after the divorce is final…that I should travel on my own somewhere…my first reaction was, “Hell no!” But that’s my typical reaction…I’m always nervous about trying new things…but then I started to think about it, and I started getting excited at the idea of taking a trip (even a small one)…

So here’s where I need the help of friends, acquaintances, random readers of this blog (all three of you)…I don’t want anyone to tell me where to go, but I definitely want to hear your ideas.  I’ve not been to a lot of places so I’m pretty open…would it be cool to know someone when I get there? Sure…is it necessary? Not really…and I’m willing to fly or drive…And I can already hear my mother’s concern, so let me say that no, I wouldn’t drive my crappy SUV (nicknamed Bubba), I would rent a car…and if I fly, it would probably be Vision Airlines because they’re cheap…and yes, Mama, I would get a CLEAN hotel in a safe part of town…

I don’t usually ask for this, but I want people who read this to comment with ideas…either here or on my Facebook page…the sooner I decide where to go, the sooner I can start figuring out how to make it work…Help me out, so I can celebrate my new beginning in an unforgettable way!

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