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Is This Where I Pay To Play?

I will soon be in a Dodge Journey (a freaking awesome rental), speeding down the road, headed to Mississippi…I have promised not to throw the boys from the car…I’ll visit with my mom, we’ll go to lunch, and then I will speed away, tires squealing, rubber burning, to get to BBF and This Man…

I have looked forward to this weekend and the following week for three weeks…actually, I’ve looked forward to the fantasy of this coming week for months…

Being the person I am, I mentally mapped out all that I needed to do today to get ready for tomorrow…what’s that expression about the best laid plans? Sometimes I’m not sure why I bother planning anything…

Here’s how this day was supposed to go: Get out of work at 4:30, pick up the rental no later than 5:30, get home before 6, cook dinner, get the boys bathed and in bed, workout, shower, pack, and sleep (maybe…I am a little excited…).

Here’s how it actually went: Got out of work at 5:15 (because the last event of the day was wildly popular!); got to Enterprise at 5:30 (and waited for a car until 6:30); went back to the office where I left my car because I forgot my phone charger (sooooo not an option); on the road home around 7; got a text from The Ex who apparently was tired of watching the boys and couldn’t manage to feed them dinner (WTF, dude?!); got home, fixed dinner, bathed the boys, bed by 8; began packing; searched for 30 minutes for one of Sean’s shoes (never found it); realized at 9:15 that I hadn’t eaten dinner and my knee hurts (screw the workout)…

I am so excited about my girls’ night out tomorrow and my evening with This Man on Sunday…I am equally excited about my week off from the mom thing…everyone says I’ll miss them…and not to sound like the worst Mom ever, but I don’t think so…this week has been rough on a lot of levels…temper tantrums everyday – Thursday morning I was reduced to tears (not that I’ll ever let Aidan know he got to me like that)…it’s been ages since I had time away from my children that wasn’t work-related and </em knew the boys were with someone I trust completely (sorry, my faith in The Ex is somewhat reduced)…

This is pretty typical of my life…work hard every moment to get to a few seconds of good…the good things in my life have never been easy…I envy the people who have that kind of good fortune…but at least I'll appreciate every single second of my time…after everything I've been through in the past few hours, days, weeks, and months, I am appreciative of the much-needed break I'm about to receive…but don't get in my way, I may knock your ass down on my way out the door!

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Focusing on Me

I’ve had a fairly quiet weekend which has given me plenty of time to think…

Normally, I don’t like a quiet weekend because then I dwell on the fact that it’s just me and the boys 99.9% of the time and sometimes that’s just depressing…but this time is different.  I used the quietness (?) to think about internal stuff instead of focusing so much on the external (when will I ever get a break, when will I ever leave the house again without 2 small children in tow, when when when!)…most of that is pointless.  Whatever is supposed to happen will happens when it’s supposed to happen…

I can’t control Almost Ex, I can’t control work, I can’t control anyone (including my own children, unfortunately) but me…so that’s what I’m choosing to do…I’ve got plans for myself but if I keep focusing on the stuff I have no control over, that will be what consumes me…and I’m too damned tired for all of that…

I spent a lot of time reading about health, food, and fitness this weekend.  Most people don’t know it but I’m an actual weight-loss success story.  Before I became pregnant with Sean, I spent about 3 years losing 88 lbs – the hard way.  No pills, no points, no surgery – just exercise and portion control. 

Of course, I gained weight while I was pregnant – more than I wanted to, but by the time he was a year, I’d lost all but 3 lbs…and then I managed to maintain that weight…until I started the whole divorce process.  I’m an emotional eater so for a couple of months, everytime I went near Almost Ex, I left with an urge for a cheeseburger…and I indulged myself everytime…so 10 more lbs later, I’m feeling pretty crappy about my weight loss efforts…

I’ve noticed that doing what I did to lose the first 88 lbs doesn’t really work anymore…before I ate whatever I wanted, I just watched my calories…if I wanted cake, I ate cake…if I wanted chocolate, I ate chocolate…as long as I hit the right number by the end of the day, no biggie.  Well, maybe it’s because I’m older, maybe it’s because I’m closer to goal, but that does NOT work anymore…

So after a lot of reading this weekend, I’m going to try the most basic thing I know – exercise (of course) and eating NATURAL foods – as Jillian Michaels says, “If it doesn’t have a mother or come from the ground, don’t eat it!”  And that, sadly enough, involves trying not to drink Diet Coke…because I’ve never seen a Diet Coke plant and if I had, I’d have a whole field of them.  I’m not giving up caffeine completely, I’m just not going to drink it in carbonated form…no more processed foods – which will definitely cut out a lot of sugar and other crap I don’t really need.

I don’t know if it will work, but if after a couple of weeks, I’m not feeling better or seeing a positive change, I’ll try something else…the point is that I’m going to focus on myself…I’m even going to attempt the truly impossible – 7-8 hours of sleep a night…EVERY night…Based on what I’ve read, that may have a lot to do with my weight not going down, too…

I know that eventually I’ll want to not be completely and totally alone anymore…but what good am I to someone if I’m no good to myself?  As long as I take care of work when it’s time to work, and the boys when I’m with them, then the rest of the time needs to be about me…

I’ve been searching for something for a few weeks now that isn’t there, hasn’t been there, isn’t going to be there…I don’t really know what it is, but I’ve felt like I was looking for something and have constantly been disappointed…so I’m done with that…if it means I sit in a quiet house more often than not, that’s ok…I’ve just got focus on me right now…

And for those who have wisely pointed out that I need a vacation, you’re damned right I do…I haven’t had a week off from work since I was on maternity leave with Sean (he turns 2 on September 10), and I haven’t GONE anywhere (other than my mom’s house in MS) in YEARS (for pleasure…I’ve gone plenty of places for work)…so yeah, I know I need a break…and when both work and finances cooperate, I swear, I’ll go…