I wasn’t even planning on blogging tonight. I had a decent day. Work was busy (yay!), the boys were well-behaved this afternoon (YAY!), and something I listed on Craigslist finally sold (BIG YAY!). Life was good – what’s to blog about? Actually, that’s probably the worst attitude to have because I shouldn’t just post something when I’m at one extreme or another…knowing that I have “normal” days might make me seem less neurotic…
But I’m confused about something, and I’m wondering if I’m the exception to the rule, or if I’m naive…or if I’m right to cock my head to the side, squint, and say, “WTF?”
My mama taught me that if you don’t have something nice to say about someone, you shouldn’t say anything. Thumper taught me that, too…And let me be clear, as far as I know, no one is saying anything about me (and if they are, I don’t want to know)…but I keep finding out that there are people in the world who have no problems disparaging people, places, ideas, whatever, just because they can. And I don’t get it.
I don’t understand what random negativity gains people. Yes, I have had a moment of frustration when I’m sure I’ve said something less-than-flattering about someone else. But I’ve never sought out another person solely to be negative about anything. Isn’t that tiring? Even when I purposefully have to say something negative, my management training from years ago kicks in – say something positive, talk about the negative (sometimes referred to as “opportunities”), and then end with something positive.
With the craziness in my own personal life, I’ve made the conscious decision NOT to be negative (even when I really, REALLY want to)…negativity always comes back to haunt you. Why bring that on yourself?
Venting (in my book) doesn’t count. Venting your frustrations to someone who cares about you but is not directly involved is healthy (at least, that’s how I justify it to myself). If I didn’t vent sometimes, I’d probably explode. But even a good vent shouldn’t be filled with meanness (is that a word?)…
So I guess I would love to understand…why? What purpose does pure, unadulterated negativity serve?
If I don’t remember to relax, my head might explode! I almost said I was learning to relax, but that implies that I don’t know what to do…I know what to do…implementation is the key.
I like to work, and I work a lot…I work hard, I just don’t play hard (yet). If I see something that needs to be done, I do it. Everytime. No matter what. But I’m going to make myself sick if I keep that up! After 8 hours of sleep (what a luxury!), I shouldn’t wake up exhausted…but that’s exactly what’s been happening.
Not relaxing is also leading to me freaking out, venting, and letting my emotions come right to the surface. Be shocked, most of my emotions aren’t exactly positive right now.
So, I’m working on the whole relaxing thing…for the past couple of nights, I haven’t answered emails late at night, talked to Almost Ex, or cleaned like a crazy woman…
I’ve read a book…I’ve listened to music…I’ve talked to my friends and my mom…I’ve gone to bed early…I’m a much more sane person…and I’m learning to live in a house that looks like a bomb went off.
The next step is to buy a bottle of White Zinfandel so I can have a glass and reeeeally relax.
I just wrote a blog post that I will probably never publish. It felt good but it goes against my rule in my very first post.
I vented in a way that I can’t vent to Almost Ex. I probably could but it would just start an argument. I didn’t realize how angry I am about what’s been happening lately.
Frankly, I’m hurt and I’m lonely. But I have no regrets about my decision to get divorced. In fact, the past few weeks have solidified my feelings.
This wasn’t what I wanted to talk about tonight. I was coasting along just fine today – not spectacular, but not stick-your-head-in-the-oven bad, either.
I’m getting bogged down in the minutia…when what I want to do is dream big. My Big Brother-from-another-mother keeps encouraging me, and he’s right. I do want better for my boys. I want better for myself. My dreams of travelling, having adventures (with and without my boys), and experiencing the world won’t ever come true if I don’t set some pretty high goals (and then go after them and achieve them).
But how do you accomplish the big things when the small things become all-encompassing? I want to go back to school, I want to freelance, I want to do more…but when I get home, I can’t get past figuring out what’s for dinner. Some nights it’s all I can do to get the boys bathed and tucked into bed. As Big Brother recently said, I’m running on adrenaline, sugar, and caffeine. At what point will I crack?
That’s my fear, I think…I fear cracking and not being able to put the pieces back together. I don’t know how to just stop and relax. Or put my worries to the side and focus on the big, bad goals and dreams. I just put my head down and keep on plowing ahead. What do I do when that’s not enough?