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A Love Letter To My Treadmill

My dearest ‘mill,

I know you’re angry with me…it’s been so long since we spent time together.  I know, I know, you feel like I neglected you, that I’ve ignored you.  I promise I thought about you…I never forgot you.  I missed you everyday.

Like all relationships, the beginning was the sweetest…getting to know one another, seeing each other every day, all those great walks…it was a wonderful time in our lives.  It’s when we moved to the next level that it became harder to keep the same intensity…that’s not your fault, I know! I’m the one who insisted on running again…you tried to warn me…every time I nearly tripped and fell, I know that was your way of telling me to slow down before I hurt myself…I didn’t appreciate what you were trying to do for me…I’m so sorry…I should have listened to you.

And then, and I know this is no excuse, I got sick…that cold kicked my ass…the nagging cough that followed was horrible…I knew I couldn’t run like that.  I know, I can hear you now…of course I could have walked…but you know I have a mental block about just walking when I could be running…and the busy nights.  I felt you staring at me all those nights I was on the computer working…you felt neglected then, too, didn’t you? Oh, ‘mill, I’m so sorry…

Tonight was good, right?  Like old times?  Before the craziness of me trying to run…I’ve had to admit that my knees can’t handle it anymore…it’s my own fault…I never went to a doctor when I blew my knee out…maybe I’ll never run again…but with you, I’ll walk hundreds of miles…

I have a favor, beloved…will you help me get race-ready again?  I can’t run, but I know I can walk faster than most people…with your help, I can be a racer again…it will mean a lot of time together…I promise, I won’t just disappear on you again…if I have to take a break, I will give you an explanation first…please say you forgive me…

Love,
Michaela

**Yeah, I know, I’m a nut.**

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No Desire to Dance

And I don’t mean ballroom…

I love music…and, in the privacy of my own home where NO ONE can see me, if the music is good enough, I’ll get up and dance.  It’s a great workout, it relieves stress, it makes me feel more confident.  Silly, I know, but there it is.

I realized last night that even when I heard some of my absolute favorite songs I felt no urge to dance.  I sang along (which is even scarier than my dancing), but I couldn’t find the desire or the energy to get off the couch.

I can’t stop thinking about it.  Is it a self-esteem thing?  Do I feel so silly doing it that I’ve embarassed myself?  Am I just tired? Is it D. All of the above?

I’ve lost a lot of confidence in myself recently.  I can’t figure out the catalyst but it’s been swift.  I’ve gained nearly 10 pounds in the past few months…I barely exercise…I stress-eat and my preferred food is a cheeseburger.  I’m doing everything I know NOT to do…I can feel my butt spreading, my face filling in, and my clothes fitting tighter…

I will NOT go back to being the fat chick, the sidekick, always the best friend – never the girlfriend…I. Will. NOT.

Everyday, I can feel myself becoming more introverted and unsure of myself…I liked feeling confident…I liked feeling attractive (who doesn’t, right?)…and I’m not sure what to do to snap myself out of it. 

I guess the easy answer is that it’s the divorce, this is normal, blah blah blah…but I don’t accept that.  I’m not unhappy about the divorce.  I’m not even unhappy that Almost Ex has found a girlfriend…well, ok, I’m not excited, either. 

No matter what it is, I need to get over it and get my butt back in gear…

Random Thoughts

Today was strange for me…because it wasn’t “the best day ever” but it also wasn’t filled with strife, angst, and confusion.  It definitely falls into the category of “good day” though…

I wanted to blog today but without excellence or a crisis, at first I was at a loss…but I’m always filled with random thoughts…

My kids are freaking smart.  I don’t mean academically; they’re too young for that.  Aidan is keenly aware of what goes on around him and puts two and two together better than most adults I know.  I am in SO much trouble when he gets older…Sean watches his big brother do something once and will attempt to emulate it.  I am in awe of him sometimes…

I need to set more “playdates” for myself. I hung out with a Cool Chick today and realized that I’m becoming more comfortable with big crowds, new experiences, and not having a clue where I’m going or what I’m doing.  And yeah, I should probably set playdates for the boys, too.

I am inordinately pleased when I hear the boys singing along with songs I like.  I think I should be horrified that they know words to Lady Gaga songs, but I’m not.  I crack a huge smile when I realize that all three of us are singing together.  Our personal favorite is Give Me Everything by Pitbull – I should probably be bothered by that…I’m not.

Fabric softener is an amazing thing.  The dryer is broken (it needs a new heating element and someone with the expertise to install it – not a huge priority for me right now) and has been for about a month.  But I just NOW bought fabric softener…what the hell was I waiting for? I might as well have worn a freaking hair shirt everyday. 

I love to read so much that I am willing to sacrifice sleep to finish my book.  Case in point: last night I started a new book at 9:00pm and stayed up until I was finished at 1:00am.  I’d been up since 5:00am the day before when I finally went to bed.  Yep, I’m a reader.  I have a book waiting for me right now that I am absolutely itching to start – and I’ve read it a few times before.

A lot of people don’t realize that I am technically “a weight-loss success story” even though I still have about 30lbs to lose.  When Aidan was 1, I finally got fed up with being fat.  Over about 3 years, I lost 88 lbs.  I’ve gained about 8 of those pounds back during the past few months.  But yeah, I was overweight for my entire adolescence and most of my 20s.  No pills, no surgery, no meetings – just eating right and working out.  It was hard, it took forever, and I REALLY want to get my ass back in gear so I can finally lose the last little bit.  I feel empowered when I’m eating the way I should be and working out.  I love that feeling.

I guess that’s enough randomness for one night.  My book is calling my name…

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