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A Beginning and an End

Welcome to 2013!

Let’s not talk too much about 2012, m’kay?

It wasn’t all bad, but… I went through a couple of heart breaks. I dealt with stress at work.

However, I realized I’m pretty good at the mom thing.

But I also realized I don’t need this blog the way I did in 2011…it started to feel more like work for me…I’ve taken my writing to different places and am doing different things with it on a personal level. Maybe one day I’ll be brave enough to share it…but it’s personal on a level that writing about my angst isn’t.

I started this blog because I needed the therapy it provided. It’s seen me through divorce, personal strife, professional strife, parenting disasters and questions…and although, I know I still don’t have a clue what I’m doing most days, I don’t need the therapy it provides, anymore…and it’s hard for me to write without a purpose…just chronicling my day isn’t something I’m good at…

So, in 2013, I’m walking away…I debated shutting it down completely, but I know that life could throw me a curveball in an instant, and I may need the comfort of this space again…until that day, I’m still around…I’m living life, raising those darned Benjamin Boys, and doing my thing…

For those who had the patience to follow the insanity, I adore you all…

I’m looking forward to what 2013 brings…hopefully, it brings me NOTHING that I need to blog about…

Coming Home To The Benjamin Boys

I’ve been gone for six days – working…and enjoying the “break” from my babies…It’s not a real break because I work long hours, but it’s my time in the adult world, and I do enjoy it…

I am often asked if I miss the boys…and I’m a little ashamed to admit that my answer is usually, “Not yet!”  It’s true, though…I am with my children 24/7/365 – the only break is work and sleep…and any parent will tell you that sleep isn’t a break because I wake up if they even breathe wrong…

But when I walk through the door and see their little faces, I realize in that moment just how much I missed them while I was gone…did I miss packing lunches, potty training, nap times, bedtimes, bath times?  Not really…but I missed those faces…I missed seeing their eyes light up when they see me…I missed hugging and kissing them…I missed tucking them in at night and having them fight over who gets the most kisses (I keep it as even as possible, in case you’re wondering)…

I’m tired from a long week…I’m emotionally drained because switching gears is always hard…but I enjoy coming home to the Benjamin Boys…

What Do I Want To Be When I Grow Up?

I’m in Washington DC this week for work – and I adore it.  The fact that I’m in DC, the fact that it’s for work (I have an amazing job, y’all), and the fact that it’s a kid-free week.  Yeah, I admit it – I don’t miss them yet.

I do have a great job.  I work in a cool industry.  I see an amazing amount of potential for me right where I’m at right now – and there are things I would love to do and accomplish and become…and yet…

I feel like I’m on the precipice of something…like the entire world is laid out before me, and whatever I can dream up, I can make happen…I can do anything…I can be anything…and the question becomes “What do I want to be when I grow up?”  Everything I’ve done since college was happenstance…I knew someone who loved my work ethic and could get me a job after college…I got tired of that (because I hated it) and found something else…I got laid off from that (budget cuts…the only reason I’ve ever lost a job was because of budget cuts) and found my current employer…none of my career decisions were strategic…none were entered into with fully-planned thoughts for the future…

And I want to change that…I want to work towards something…I want to build something for myself…I want to be in charge of my own destiny…Big Brother told me the other night that I have the ability to work hard for whatever I want in life…true that, Big Brother!  But what I need, according to him, is an ideas person…and I hate to admit it, but he’s right.

Before, it was a problem of not enough ideas…now, I have too many ideas…I want to do this…I want to do that…I could be this…I could be that…and how the hell do I pick?  Which one is the right one?

Here’s my perfect-world circumstances: I’d work for myself…I’d get paid to write…I’d stay in the world of social media, blogging, and whatever else is invented in the next five minutes…are the things I’m good at marketable skills? Would someone pay me to do what I do on their behalf?  I don’t know…but I have to figure out a way to find out…

But first, I have to decide what I want to be when I grow up…

Is This Where I Pay To Play?

I will soon be in a Dodge Journey (a freaking awesome rental), speeding down the road, headed to Mississippi…I have promised not to throw the boys from the car…I’ll visit with my mom, we’ll go to lunch, and then I will speed away, tires squealing, rubber burning, to get to BBF and This Man…

I have looked forward to this weekend and the following week for three weeks…actually, I’ve looked forward to the fantasy of this coming week for months…

Being the person I am, I mentally mapped out all that I needed to do today to get ready for tomorrow…what’s that expression about the best laid plans? Sometimes I’m not sure why I bother planning anything…

Here’s how this day was supposed to go: Get out of work at 4:30, pick up the rental no later than 5:30, get home before 6, cook dinner, get the boys bathed and in bed, workout, shower, pack, and sleep (maybe…I am a little excited…).

Here’s how it actually went: Got out of work at 5:15 (because the last event of the day was wildly popular!); got to Enterprise at 5:30 (and waited for a car until 6:30); went back to the office where I left my car because I forgot my phone charger (sooooo not an option); on the road home around 7; got a text from The Ex who apparently was tired of watching the boys and couldn’t manage to feed them dinner (WTF, dude?!); got home, fixed dinner, bathed the boys, bed by 8; began packing; searched for 30 minutes for one of Sean’s shoes (never found it); realized at 9:15 that I hadn’t eaten dinner and my knee hurts (screw the workout)…

I am so excited about my girls’ night out tomorrow and my evening with This Man on Sunday…I am equally excited about my week off from the mom thing…everyone says I’ll miss them…and not to sound like the worst Mom ever, but I don’t think so…this week has been rough on a lot of levels…temper tantrums everyday – Thursday morning I was reduced to tears (not that I’ll ever let Aidan know he got to me like that)…it’s been ages since I had time away from my children that wasn’t work-related and </em knew the boys were with someone I trust completely (sorry, my faith in The Ex is somewhat reduced)…

This is pretty typical of my life…work hard every moment to get to a few seconds of good…the good things in my life have never been easy…I envy the people who have that kind of good fortune…but at least I'll appreciate every single second of my time…after everything I've been through in the past few hours, days, weeks, and months, I am appreciative of the much-needed break I'm about to receive…but don't get in my way, I may knock your ass down on my way out the door!

My Shrinking World

I realized something today…and I don’t know whether I view it negatively or positively…my world has become very small…

I think my world was small long before I became aware of it…

My world is work, home, kids…work, home, kids…I see the positive – I’m focusing on the things that are important…I’m getting better at it all on a lot of levels…I’m not stressing about what I don’t have…

I see the negative, too – I’m not thinking big about anything…I’m not dreaming…I’m not hoping…sometimes, I think the “hope” has been beaten out of me…it’s scary to hope for something…it’s scary to leap…I’m good at solid and stable…I’ve played that role for a long time, and since I’m the only constant for the boys, it’s a role I’ll be playing for many more years…

Sometimes I wish I could jump and hope…screw up royally or be a screaming success, but either way, I hoped for something…that seems irresponsible as a single mom…I can’t afford to screw up the safe, stable, solid life I’ve built for the boys…even if it means my world is shrinking…

If I could dream big and expand my world? Let’s see…

  • I’d own my own business…doing what I love and am good at…I’d get paid to communicate for living…I’d get paid to write…
  • I’d run head first into love…I wouldn’t worry, I would over-think it…
  • I’d travel around the world…I don’t even know where – I can’t think that big yet…
  • I would speak my mind more often and follow my instinct…it all goes back to not over-thinking everything…

No complaints about the size of my world right now…as long as I don’t forget that I’m capable of expanding it…

 

Passion, Love, and Changing Priorities

I love what I do for a living…I tend to feel silly admitting that because it’s not something people say much…I’m not just grateful to be employed (even though I’m damn grateful for that)…I don’t just like my co-workers…it’s not just a good organization (and it is definitely that)…I genuinely love what I do…

I never understood what finding your passion meant until March 2010…on paper I’m called a Communications Director…technically it means I do public relations, marketing, advertising, blah blah blah…in actuality it means I talk for a living…I am constantly finding new ways to communicate information so people will pay attention, take action, care about what I’m telling them…and I. Love. It.

And while there are both good and bad days in any job, everyday I am disgustingly happy to have the job that I do, and I am constantly looking for ways to improve and do more…ok, so saying all of that really does have a purpose…

In the past year or so, maybe a little longer, I have thought a lot about volunteering, giving back to my community…my concerns are always the time issue…do I have time to go somewhere and do something, especially with extremely limited access to after hours childcare? I also shy away from things that require a lot of interaction with crowds…I am capable of doing things that require that, but only once I’m comfortable and feel knowledgeable…but it’s been on my mind a lot…

I need to do something that makes me focus on something other than me…it’s easy for me to forget that there are people out in the world who have it so much worse than I do…selfishly, I also want to do more of what I love, because I love it, because it can make a difference, irrespective of pay…

I walked right into an amazing opportunity today…while sitting through a presentation about the local Guardian Ad Litem program, a two minute PSA video had me close to tears…I don’t cry in front of people I don’t know (hell, I barely cry in front of people I do know…)…but the idea of working with children, even for a worthy cause, didn’t excite me…so, during a momentary break, I asked something that may change my life forever…I asked about other opportunities to help…I described what I do for a living, my passion for it…

Have you ever seen a priceless opportunity right in front of you and known you can’t let it pass by, no matter what, no matter how scary? Yeah, me too…the response I received to my inquiry was that they may have the perfect thing for me…Chair of Public Relations for two counties…working with a Vice President for the non-profit…wait, what? Ummm, are you sure??

Part of me thinks they aren’t really serious, that someone with more experience than I have will step up and do the job “right.” Part of me thinks I’ll wake up tomorrow and this will have been a dream…but every fiber of my being hopes that this is really real, that I can do something, even in a small way, that helps this organization meet their ultimate goal – helping children.

Doing what I love, what I’m passionate about, for someone other than myself, to make a difference in the world, to be a part of something bigger…yeah, I think I can handle that…

Exhausted

It’s still too quiet in my head…and I still don’t like it…but today it didn’t matter…

Today I ran my ass off at work…I was over here…and then over there…then helping that person…then running to this person…it was constant, nonstop insanity…Y’all, I work a freaking desk job for a reason…my feet hurt, my legs hurt, I think I might have a blister…

And I am not complaining…it was an entire day of the crap in my head being the least important thing on the planet…today, I got to do what I do best – work damn hard…

I wanted to go to sleep before I got off work this afternoon…I was dreading getting the boys because little boys take a lot of energy, and I didn’t have it…but the parenting gods smiled down on me tonight…they were good, freaking awesome, actually…who are these boys and can they stay?

I still don’t feel right…but right now, I’m too tired to care…I’m too tired to even analyze why I don’t care…as Aidan said tonight, “O. M. G!”

A Good Cry

I have a few friends who firmly believe in the validity of having a good cry…be shocked, those friends are female…right now I believe in the necessity of it, too…except…

Except, I can’t…I need to…I almost want to…I have a lot of pent-up emotions…stress, disappointment, residual tension from other people, you name it…I can feel the tears, but I can’t let go of them…

I don’t know if it’s because of some control factor…or if it’s because my dad taught me not to cry too much…”Stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about!” As an adult, I see the irony of that statement…and as a kid, I hated it…but I do feel like I need a “reason” to cry…I guess emotional release just isn’t one of them…

Nothing much is going on…but it has been a long week of work and travel…and it was a good week…its the same stresses that are always there, but today, for whatever reason, my emotions have come right to the surface…I wish I could just let go of them…

The Ex watched the boys while I was out of town, and I’m guessing it was a long 5 days, because he was ready to go very shortly after we met up with one another…and something about that bothered me…not that he was leaving quickly or that he was leaving at all…but I don’t think I was ready to step back in the role of single parent…not that not being ready matters…you do what you have to do…but I didn’t feel good, I was tired, and I was overly emotional…thankfully the boys decided to behave themselves…

BBFF said something a few weeks ago that got my attention…he said that instead of being someone who wants to prove to the world that I can handle it all on my own, I am finally in the mindset of having a relationship with someone who can be a partner…he’s probably right (he usually is)…too bad I can’t just twitch my nose and make that happen…even though if twitching my nose made things happen, I’ve got a few things on my list that would take priority over a relationship…

I left the stresses and pressures of real life behind for a few days and had the luxury of concentrating solely on work…I came home to the exact same pressures and stresses…and I guess I wasn’t prepared…I wish that whole crying thing worked…

Patience Isn’t A Virtue I Possess

It’s hard for me to admit sometimes, but I am an extremely impatient person.  I want what I want when I want it.  Big Brother tells me all the time to just be patient and not try to rush things…Of course, I’m not alone in my unvirtuous (?) ways…I think I’ve only met a few truly patient people in my life…

My lack of patience can put me in a pretty crappy mood sometimes…but I’m pretty moody by nature…what I’ve noticed is that I have more patience when “it” – the goal, the thing, the…whatever – is completely out of my hands.

Example – I was chomping at the bit to get all my paperwork filed for the divorce and everytime I was delayed by something, I was thrown into a bad mood for a day or two…but once it was filed, done, and just became a waiting game, I was fine.  Well, sort of…I’m checking my mailbox pretty frequently these days…

Ok, another example that’s not quite so depressing?  I need to get my house fixed up before I can even start planning what I want to do with it…I need to paint, I need to re-do the carpets in the bedrooms, I need to do some trim work…nothing too major, but plenty of work…and I want it done YESTERDAY…I want to move forward with my plans…I don’t want to be delayed by the WORK…I don’t want to be delayed by lack of money and expertise…and last night, I was in a foul mood over it…

Oh well, that’s life, huh?  Today is a new day, and I have a brighter outlook on it all…for everything I want in life there are two options – roll up my sleeves and get to work or just be patient and wait…today is a day to get done what I can get done…and not worry about the things that can only be taken care of by time…

Yeah, I Got Nothin’…

My mind has been very quiet for two days…still…what’s that saying about still waters running deep?  That might be giving me too much credit…

I’ve survived three days without Diet Coke…and come out on the other side much better…let’s not discuss what my friends and family endured during those three  days…

I’ve stared into the depths of a box of doughnuts and walked away…

I’ve been my dorky self with people who don’t know me well enough to realize that no, really, I’m not always that dorky…

I’ve had my butt kicked by both my treadmill and a chocolate chip cookie…the treadmill was a good butt-whoopin’…the chocolate cookie was just pathetic…3 days without sugar, and my body rejects a chocolate chip cookie?! 

I’ve started making plans for my future that will (hopefully) make life a little easier for all three of us.

I’ve purposely not dwelled on anything negative.

I’ve made the decision NOT to freak out by my workload…I’ll get done what I can each day, and if I don’t get to your thing today, you’re on my list tomorrow…just be patient…

So yeah, today, I’ve got nothin’…life is cruising along…