Blog Archives

A Year Later…

A year ago today (my birthday, by the way), I started a new phase of my divorced, single mom life…we moved – new town, new home, new school…I can’t help but look back on the past year and marvel at how I’ve changed…

I’m better at the mom thing…by no means perfect, but better…

I can’t imagine living with another adult anymore…I’m used to my own space…not that I want to be single for the rest of my life, but I’m so used to being alone and doing (for the most part) what I want to do that it will be a big adjustment if that ever changes…

I’m more comfortable in my own skin…and growing more comfortable every day…

I know that I can handle whatever life throws at me…I still stress (a little)…and I’m a natural worrier but I’ve become less anxious…I don’t fret about the what-ifs…if something bad or crazy is going to happen, I have little say over it (assuming I’ve made good choices all along)…but I know that I can ride the wave of craziness and come out fine on the other side – maybe a little bruised and sore, but I know what I’m capable of…I know I can handle shit…and I know it’s ok to cry my eyes out while I’m taking care of things…

A year later, I got this!

One of Those Moms

It’s a stereotype, and all stereotypes have some basis in truth, but I don’t want to be one of those moms…that mom who has no life outside of her children…who doesn’t know how to function without them…who’s whole world centers around her children and nothing else…

I want to have meaningful relationships separate from my boys…I want to have interests outside of my children…and I am unapologetic about wanting that…I’m no good to the boys if I make them the center of my universe…

That being said, I can feel it starting to happen…or I can feel the worry that it will happen starting to creep in…me worry about something? Crazy talk! Whatever…if you’ve read more than one other post, you already know I worry about worrying, that’s how much I worry…

From 7:30 a.m. until 4:30 p.m. Monday through Friday, I have a full work-life filled with interactions, conversations, understandings, misunderstandings, growth, knowledge, learning…I talk to probably 100 people in a day sometimes, all with different issues, questions, gripes, complaints…and I wear 10 different hats…I enjoy that part of my life…

From 4:30 p.m. until 7:30 a.m. Monday through Friday, and of course the weekends, my life consists of Aidan and Sean…which is a wonderful thing…except that my life consists only of Aidan and Sean…no money for a babysitter, no group of friends that I hang out  with (yes, I have friends…), and sometimes no interaction with another adult outside of work (or at the very least minimal interaction)…I’ve gone entire days where I’ve spoken to not one other person beside my children before…it’s a lonely life…I admit that…and it’s not a complaint…it’s just reality…

And what I can feel happening is that my life is narrowing down to two little boys and every move they make…that’s not a horrible thing…I enjoyed the hour Sean spent kissing my cheeks and laying all over me today…I laughed when both boys attacked me and each one kissed my cheeks…when I told Sean my stomach didn’t feel good, he demanded to see my tummy, and placed a little hand on it and said he needed to make it better – and then leaned down to kiss it…yeah, that’s a heart-melting moment…those are precious moments…I savor them…I hope I always remember them…

But eventually these boys will get older, and I will no longer be “Mommy.”  What then?  How do I cope when the center of my universe no longer wants to be the center of my universe?  And believing (as I do) that it’s a little unhealthy to make them the center of my universe, how the hell do I combat it when I don’t have any other options?  Thank God for blogging (late at night when everyone else has gone to bed) or I’d have nothing…but should I be concerned that I’ve turned my main blog into a blog about my children?

Because, damn it, I really don’t want to be one of those moms…

Filters

I had the privilege to see a lovely Facebook friend of mine today…she’s going through a rough period, and I was happy to see her out and about…as we were talking, she characterized my blog posts as fairly blunt…I chuckled…I couldn’t help it…I admitted, for the first time, that no, I’m not blunt when I write these posts – I actually filter myself a great deal…

I started wondering what would happen if I removed the filter…what would happen if I just didn’t care and let it all hang out? The good, the bad, the ugly…would people think less of me? Would the persona I present to the world have less meaning?  What if I, and others, don’t like the person behind the filter?  What would I say with no filter?

This evening was rough…Friday’s always are…if I have no firm, set plans for the boys, I dread the weekends…when I’m broker than broke, I dread the weekends – I start to feel nauseous and the worry creeps in – what do I do if they need something? how will I keep them occupied? what if an emergency comes up?…if I had the luxury, I would have kept working long after closing time just to avoid starting the weekend…

The Ex and I had a slight confrontation this afternoon…I’ve decided to use the state’s help in getting some amount of child support…he actually had the audacity to ask me if I would call them and ask them to drop it…wait, what?  He’s scared of going to jail, having his wages garnished, whatever…I’m scared of not being able to take care of my children! His fears are not my damn problem!

With that in my head, I drove to pick up Sean while The Ex picked up Aidan…he didn’t offer (don’t be silly)…I told him that Aidan had been missing him, would he please go pick him up? So, on my way to get Sean, I’m sitting at a red light, and I see a movement out of my rearview mirror…I looked closer, and the driver, a man, was sitting next to a little boy, about Aidan’s age, playing, pretending to arm wrestle…they were clearly having a wonderful time…it was sweet…it was touching…I started to cry…that’s what Aidan should have, damn it!  That’s what both Aidan and Sean deserve

Made it home, The Ex was five minutes behind me…Aidan came running in and I sent him back out to help The Ex bring in the groceries he buys each week…I’m trying to teach Aidan to help, to be responsible…The Ex comes in, talks about crap the boys shouldn’t need to hear about (as usual), and wants to know:

My answer is always, “Fine.”

The reality is that my head was pounding because I barely ate today (the downside of keeping myself extremely busy and productive)…I was freaking out because I have just a few dollars between now and payday…I don’t want to go anywhere this weekend because it will use up more gas, and I’m trying to conserve gas until payday, but I cannot be trapped in the house with the boys all weekend – we’ll all go crazy…the only thought that runs through my mind when The Ex is near is, “Go away, go away, goawaygoaway!”

He left to pick up a pizza for the boys and I went upstairs and cried again…I had a pity party…I wanted to be in Mississippi more than anything in that moment…I wanted my mom…I wanted BFF…I wanted This Man…I wanted anything other than what I have here…here is unbearable sometimes…here sucks…here is hard…and I don’t always know how to make it better…I can’t figure out how to fix it…I can’t make it better…I spend every moment of every day worrying…or pretending that I’m not worrying…

I came downstairs, I pulled something together to eat…and the headache dissipated…I started to feel less freaked out…The Ex came…he left…I breathed easier…

This Man called…and I started to smile again…we didn’t talk about anything heavy…I purposely don’t talk about my own feelings much…it’s too hard…it brings people down…it’s not what I want to be associated with or how I want to be remembered…when you can’t see someone too often, the last thing you want is for them to only think of the negative stuff when they think of you…

I got Sean to bed…I let Aidan stay up late (I figured if I can’t afford special little treats or go out much this weekend, I can at least offer him some special treats at home)…and I worked out…I immediately felt more normal again…I felt like I did several days ago…I felt like the Michaela that the world knows…

And I started thinking about filters again…

Working On It

BBFF said something to me today that has sort of blown my mind a little…he said, “I seriously think you need to let go of the old life and move forward with a new outlook.  Instead of saying ‘I never had this so I don’t want this’  why not say ‘I never had this so I can now enjoy something new’.”

That was in response to my complaint that there are so many things I’ve never experienced (that I think I should have), that I’m afraid to want something I can’t have – or that I won’t be able to hold on to it (whatever “it” is) and will be disappointed again…

I’m not sure how to process what he said and how to change my mindset…

I’m working on the small things right now…not counting tonight, I’ve been on the treadmill most nights this week…I’ve eaten MUCH healthier all week…I haven’t had a sweet tea in a few days, and I’ve had a lot more water…I’ve gone to bed at a fairly decent time the past few nights…all of this is because I know if I’m taking care of myself in these ways, then I’m going to feel better overall…

I’m a worrier…and now that I’m able to admit to the world (and myself) that I’m angry and hurt, I have to admit part of what I’m worrying about is a fear of not improving my own life, not moving ahead, of ultimately being rejected…intellectually I know this isn’t true, but there’s this thought of “what if all of this was for nothing, and I am in no way better off without The Ex than I was with him?”

So how I do change my outlook?  How do I start looking on this life as some sort of adventure that’s mine to create and make what I want of it? If I can answer that, then half the battle is already won…

In the meantime, here’s what I’ve got:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It’s a ring I bought for myself last weekend…I adore butterflies…and I realized today that it was the most visual reminder to myself that I need to become more butterfly-like and less moth-like…

I Don’t Like It When…

I don’t like it when I yell at my boys for no real reason other than I’m frustrated…

I don’t like it when I start feeling sorry for myself for no good reason…

I don’t like it when I let myself think about the bad instead of focusing on the positive…

I don’t like it when I eat cheeseburgers because they’re easier than anything else…

I don’t like it when I stay up late when I know I need sleep…

I don’t like it when I dwell on the past instead of dreaming of the future…

I don’t like it when I let the quiet close in on me…

I don’t like it when good ideas feel impossible…

I don’t like it when I stop avoiding the things that bother me…

I don’t like it when I avoid the things that need to be dealt with…

I don’t like it when I let my anxiety and worries take over and guide my decisions…

I don’t like it when I hold the people I love to an impossibly high standard…

I don’t like it when I lower my standards for people who don’t care about me…

I don’t like it when I wish for things I don’t have instead of being grateful for what I do have…

I don’t like it when I neglect myself because I forget that I’m worth caring about…

I don’t like it when I have to be reminded that I’m not screwing up my children…

I don’t like it when I’m mopey.

%d bloggers like this: