A Different Kind of Grief

I woke up this morning just as upset as I felt when I went to bed last night…I was barely functional…definitely not at my best…

I sobbed in the shower just so the boys wouldn’t have to be subjected to it…

And it finally dawned on me…I’m grieving…sometime between yesterday afternoon and this morning I made the decision that I wasn’t going to keep forcing The Ex to participate in the boys’ lives…if he chooses to, wonderful – I’ll never turn him away…but I’m not going to do it for him…

By making that decision, I know that I am effectively cutting the time he spends with the boys to almost nothing…I know that it’s not me doing it – this is about him and his choices…but it doesn’t make me feel any better…

They are sweet little boys who love both of us…they don’t understand why life is so different – Aidan says he wishes The Ex and I would get married again…they aren’t going to understand this…it’s going to hurt – and that’s where my grief comes from…am I ultimately doing what’s best for them? I think so…but knowing that they will feel pain because of it rips me apart…

I get the feeling that Aidan senses I’m the adult in the situation…and I worry that a day will come when he blames me – because the grown up in the room should know better (and do better)…

Clearly, The Ex is an adolescent who really thinks I invite him along because I want to be with him (I think he thinks he stands a chance with me…really?!)…and he spends the whole time focused on me, not the boys – I won’t subject us to that anymore…they deserve his attention, and when (if) he decides he wants to see them, he knows where to find them…

It doesn’t make my heart hurt any less…it doesn’t make me any less angry…it doesn’t make me grieve any less for two beautiful little boys who deserve so much more…