Just One Little Thing

Why am I always surprised when one little thing changes my perspective?  It happens all the time…you’d think I’d catch on…

One conversation with Big Brother today filled me with hope for my future…

One phone call from This Man reminded me that we do better when I chill out and don’t overthink and emote all over the place…

One second of quick thinking, and I turned a bad situation around – I don’t love the solution, but at least I got it fixed…

I’ve been sort of in my head lately, but not enough to have anything to say…I’ve felt like I’ve been in limbo…neither moving forward nor moving back…just existing…and I don’t like to just exist…it’s how you get into ruts…it’s how you settle…I don’t want to settle…so I’ve been trying to work towards stuff, but for a few days everything was stagnant…

Everything is cyclical…right now, things feel like they’re progressing…in a week, I’ll feel the exact opposite, I’m sure…if I can just remember days like today…it wasn’t all good…it wasn’t all bad…but just one little thing can change everything…

 

Terms of Endearment

I’m a “baby” person, and God, no, I don’t mean children…that sounds pretty bad, huh? Um, I adore my children…well, usually..anyway…

For the entire 12 years I was with The Ex, the only time I ever called him by his given name was when I was angry with him…otherwise, he was “baby” or “babe” to me…and I was “baby” to him…we were baby people…a couple of times in the past year, I have come thisclose to slipping up when talking to him…

And here I am, dipping my toe into the big, scary world of relationships, and I have an issue (big shocker, I know)…I associate that word with The Ex…but its my preferred term of endearment…mentally, I keep trying others out and they just don’t feel right…

But I’m not a nickname person…This Man’s most common endearment for me is a nickname from high school – Kayla (my mom will love that)…and only he gets to call me that…well him and my YY, but that’s it (so don’t get any ideas out there)…

I call everyone (but YY) by their given name or at least how they introduce themselves to me…The Ex had about three variations of his name, and I was the first to call him by his given name (when I was mad because remember he was “baby” the rest of the time)…

So what the hell am I rambling about? I’m an endearment person…and I don’t know what to do…my preferred “baby” is still linked in my mind to The Ex…and the irrational part of me thinks I might jinx myself if I start using it…the weird part of me thinks it’s me going back to the past, and I need to avoid that like the plague…the sane part of me thinks I need to get over it because I’m a “baby” person and whoever I love is just going to be my baby…

My Idea of Bliss?

My idea of bliss changes from moment to moment…at this very moment, sitting on my couch, drinking chai tea, eating a York peppermint pattie, and recovering from my little adventure earlier is exactly what I need…

Nothing much has been going on lately…getting serious about losing weight, fighting with The Ex, and living life…today was….interesting…

It rained all day…the rain woke me up this morning and lulled me to sleep this afternoon…and it kept us inside, because the last thing I wanted to do was cart small children in and out of the rain from store to store…but by this evening, we were all done being in the house…

We went to dinner and were on our way to roam the bookstore when I got a flat tire…yep, a flat tire, at night, in the rain, with two small children…yay…

Clearly we survived the ordeal…Mom #2 came and sat with us while we waited for the guy to come and change my tire…yeah, yeah, yeah, I should know how to do it…I’ll put that on my list…thank God she came…the boys did ok, but they were hyper…and as always, I was tired…

So bliss right now means sitting still, relaxing, doing what I want to do…oh yeah, and I’m finally dry and warm again, that helps…

In exactly two weeks, bliss changes, because 14 days from now, the boys will be with my mom and The Step for an entire week…7 whole days!! The best part, Saturday night I’ll be with BBF drinking margaritas, and Sunday, I’ll be with This Man…oh yeah, and I’m taking a couple days off of work that week so I can enjoy my house with no children…ahhh, bliss…

Perception Is Reality? For Who?

I am sick and tired of the expression, “Perception is reality.” The only time anyone seems to use it is when they’re directing the saying to someone (usually me) who questions why a person or group of people did not logically think through something and instead jumped to conclusions, WRONG conclusions…

I don’t think all of my perceptions and assumptions are true…for the most part I assume that they aren’t…I am constantly trying to see the other side of the story, so I can give someone else the benefit of the doubt, because I know that there are two sides to every situation…I know I don’t always know the whole story, so I try to keep that in mind…apparently, I’m the only one in the world who does that…

I defend people I admire and respect because I know I don’t always understand their motives or thoughts, but I trust that they are doing the best they can…and I hope they have some plan that I just don’t understand…

And yet, sometimes I know things very concretely…I know when I’m being taken for granted…I can feel it in my bones…and I’m tired of making excuses for it, simply because I know that isn’t the intention…screw that…if perception is reality, as I am so often reminded, then it is what it is…

Sometimes seeing the world in shades of gray is more curse than gift…giving the benefit of the doubt is sometimes treated like a weakness…but I tend to be right more often than I’m wrong – because I believed there was another side…and this is me, the chick who doesn’t trust anyone…at what point am I going to be given that luxury? Never, apparently…

I’m accused of being controlling…or of expecting too much…or not being grateful enough…or a million other things…and hell, perception is reality, right?

Ok, rant over…

This Is My Life – And That’s OK

This whole no-thoughts-in-my-head thing is leading to some interesting revelations…now that everything is quiet in my head, I guess errant thoughts are able to get through…strange…

Tonight, after the boys went to bed, the plan was to workout, blog, watch a little TV, and possibly read…same plan I have almost every night…I’m content with that…if someone calls or texts or if something else grabs my attention away from my plan, I’m good with that, too…

A few months ago I would have been railing against a night like tonight, convinced that I should be doing something more, that somehow my life was incomplete because I wasn’t out doing something…that I was somehow letting life and opportunities slip by…

When I first started thinking about what life would be like as a single woman, I knew it would be harder…I knew I would be with the boys more often than not…even then I didn’t think that would be much different than it had been when The Ex was around…but I also had a vision of what I thought my non-kid weekends would be like…first, I thought I would have some weekends to myself, so there was my first mistake…but apparently I thought I was going to be a completely different person…

I envisioned going out with friends, clubbing, dancing, drinking, you name it…all the things I thought I had missed during my 20s…weekends with the girls, dates with men…two problems with that…one, life never turns out quite the way I think it should…and two, that’s not really me…

I like to go out, I like to have fun…but only with people I’m extremely comfortable with or someone I trust…that still isn’t bad, except the majority of the people in my life that I want to be around aren’t like that or they aren’t close by…so the reality is that I can’t have what I thought I wanted…at least not yet…

And dating? Are you freaking kidding me? Before I state the obvious about 24/7 kids and no money for childcare, the biggest issue is that I can’t imagine casually dating…I don’t trust people as a rule, and I’m a natural introvert…if someone doesn’t make me laugh a genuine laugh (read: not just a polite chuckle) in the first 10 minutes, I’m not interested…connections are important…and real connections are very rare…with my personal life being what it is, I’m just not interested in casual BS…

Last year, even a few weeks ago, that was part of what was “wrong” with my life…I knew what I wanted, but I couldn’t figure out how to make it happen…so I stressed out even more because it was yet another thing I wanted that I couldn’t have…but what I forgot is that my life has never run on the schedule I thought it should; I’m too impatient…everything always works out the way it should, when I look back on it…trying to push things to happen faster than they should has only ever lead to more stress and agony for me…

I’m not confident this new mindset is permanent, but right now, instead of worrying, stressing, and constantly thinking about what I want and don’t have, my plan is to accept life as it is right now, and take opportunities as they come…

I can’t keep spending every waking moment worried about what I want and don’t have or can’t do…it’s no way to live life…so until a different opportunity presents itself, I’ll keep working out, blogging, reading, and staying quiet – and do my best not to let anything pass by me…

Leaps of Faith

Two posts in one day?!  Crazy, right?

I’ve got stuff on my mind…gotta get it out, I guess…

I admitted to BBFF today that my mind has been unnervingly blank lately…I can’t handle the things that stress me out…because I don’t think I have any control over any of it…so I’ve just stopped thinking about it…

That probably sounds sort of healthy, but it doesn’t seem healthy…because instead of focusing on other things and thinking about other things, I’m literally (and I do mean LITERALLY) thinking about nothing…there aren’t even crickets in my head, it’s so quiet…

But I think I’ve taken a leap of faith (of sorts) that I’ll figure things out as they come up…instead of worrying and stressing about things I have no control over and can’t seem to do anything about, I’ll just try to make the best decision I possibly can when the issue comes up…that almost sounds like I’ve grown up a little…but I think it’s more that my brain and heart can NOT take anymore…it’s a self-preservation thing

Why is it so quiet in my head?  If I refuse to let myself think about the things that bother me, stress me, scare me, and keep me up at night, why can’t I turn around and focus on something else, something positive?  And I think I have the answer, and it’s sort of depressing…I don’t feel like I have any control over my life right now…I can’t do anything to fix the problems…or at least I feel like I can’t…so I feel hopeless…how do I plan for a better future if I can’t figure out the present?

If I can take a leap of faith that I can stop worrying, why can’t I take the leap that it’s ok to plan for the future?

When I figure out the answer to that question, maybe that’s when I can start to move forward again…

Not Sure What I’m Thinking Today

Sometimes my days drive this blog…sometimes I start mentally writing from the moment I wake up…today was a combo…

My head and heart have been in a strange place lately…

I have two competing feelings…one is a feeling of slight betrayal…the other is unappreciation…I do believe that other people don’t make you react, you and who you are as a person causes your reactions…

What the hell is a slight betrayal? It’s a nice way of saying I feel let down by someone who has no clue I feel that way, but if they were paying more attention, they would know…of course, if they were paying attention, I probably wouldn’t feel this way…confused yet?

When I let someone get close to me, I have to bring down my very natural barriers…I have to take a leap of faith that they won’t hurt me (not physically, of course)…I don’t open myself up to people very often…hell, even in my own blog I’m cautious…but I did…I ripped down my own walls for someone, and because of lack of attention, lack of care, lack of thought, lack of something, my heart hurts…and my instinct is to slam my walls right back up, thicker than before…but that person didn’t do anything to me…my own expectations got in the way…

Which leads me to my next issue of the day…

I don’t do things, professionally or personally, because I expect accolades, atta girls, or pats on the back…I work hard, do what’s right, and push through the hard times because that’s just what I do…but lately I have felt extremely unappreciated…

Is it because I have incorrect expectations? If I’m feeling this way, is it me or is it them? (That’s a rhetorical question, of course, because how would you know?)

I don’t know the answers, either…all I know is that I don’t want heartache on top of everything else…but in my most quiet moments, that’s all I can feel…

Sometimes It’s Better Not To Think Too Much

On Friday I wasn’t sure how I was going to make it through this weekend…

The boys weren’t going to see The Ex like they should, so no break for me…I had such an awful day on Friday, that I could have spent the whole weekend dwelling…I just wasn’t excited about the weekend…

And I learned (or reminded myself) that if I just stay busy, keep moving, and focus on the here and now, I could survive…I’m a thinker, a dweller by nature…this weekend was exhausting…

My house is clean, my life is a little more organized, Aidan and I have a new understanding about his behavior, and I have worked out and eaten right all weekend…and I’ve kept my mind blissfully blank…

I don’t think I could keep it up forever, but for one weekend, it was necessary that I not think too much…

Irrationally Hating Bubba

I hate you…in an irrational way that makes me seem a little crazy…you are so much more than a mode of transportation…

You make me remember one of the worst times in my life…you were used to cause aggravation and pain…you are a last reminder of a time in my life that I want to be shed of…

And yet, you are none of those things, because I’m only projecting my own issues onto you…

You scare me because I don’t trust you…you embarass me because you’re not anything I would ever drive…you stress me out…

But you don’t really do any of that either…that’s me again…

Knowing that my hatred is irrational doesn’t change it…it doesn’t even come close…I accept that it’s insane…I embrace it a little…I get angry because I know my life won’t immediately be better when I kick you to the curb, but I want to believe a weight will lift….

When I am lucky enough to forget about you for a few days, I hope a miracle will happen and I’ll be able to forget about you forever…driving something else feels like freedom…like a weight has lifted…like flying…

When I am forced to admit that life doesn’t work that way and I take you back, I feel the weight drop back on my shoulders…heavier than before…and all I can think about is how much I hate you…yeah, it’s not rational…it might not even be sane…and it definitely isn’t healthy…but Bubba, I hate you…and I will not shed a tear when you go…

Exhausted

It’s still too quiet in my head…and I still don’t like it…but today it didn’t matter…

Today I ran my ass off at work…I was over here…and then over there…then helping that person…then running to this person…it was constant, nonstop insanity…Y’all, I work a freaking desk job for a reason…my feet hurt, my legs hurt, I think I might have a blister…

And I am not complaining…it was an entire day of the crap in my head being the least important thing on the planet…today, I got to do what I do best – work damn hard…

I wanted to go to sleep before I got off work this afternoon…I was dreading getting the boys because little boys take a lot of energy, and I didn’t have it…but the parenting gods smiled down on me tonight…they were good, freaking awesome, actually…who are these boys and can they stay?

I still don’t feel right…but right now, I’m too tired to care…I’m too tired to even analyze why I don’t care…as Aidan said tonight, “O. M. G!”