Today Was A Good Day

It didn’t start out as a good day…I had a big misunderstanding with a friend of mine…that’s what happens when most of your talking is online – can’t see facial expressions, body language, or know when they even leave the room…I woke up mad – as hell…

I came to work, determined to hide away and nurse my hurt feelings…it’s better, for my co-workers, if I’m behind closed doors on days when I’m like this…

A coworker came up to me while I was getting my breakfast together, while I was still fuming and stewing, and said, “I needed to pay it forward.”  I looked at her in confusion, and she handed me a bag – filled with goodies, just for me…I almost cried…

Too many emotions at once, and I had to hide in my office…I talked to her while she was eating lunch, thanking her profusely…of course, I asked, “Why?”

“Because I see what you go through, and I’ve been a single mom, but not with little ones,” she said.  “And everyone needs encouragement sometimes.  You’re doing a good job, and you need to know that.”

Ok, I can’t even type it right now without crying…can you imagine how I was when she said it?  It was the sweetest, most beautiful thing I’ve ever heard…and it was random…she didn’t have to do that…and now I know I need to pay it forward when I can…

To make the day even better, I had an official business meeting with Cool Chick today…and of course, we sort of got off topic, but it was still business…she should come hang out more often…she’s someone I relate to, but also someone I look up to…she’s had it rougher, been through far more, and she’s built something for herself that’s enviable…I guess I want to be like her when I grow up…oh, and of course the fact that she’s straightforward as hell and not really afraid to tell someone to kiss her ass holds a little appeal, too…

Anyway, today shouldn’t have been a great day…but it was…I’m ending today with a glass of really good wine, a couple of pieces of dark chocolate, and a smile on my face…everyone should be so fortunate…

A Break In The Monotony

I felt an emotional moodiness creep up on me today…I think it’s been working up to this point for days…everything feels too close, too restrictive…I want space – which is impossible to have…my emotions are at the surface…and on the drive home, I could feel myself going inward – to try and figure out why…

Part of the moodiness is a desire for something different…some intangible thing (that I have no name for)…and it makes me cranky…

When I realized I was overly cranky with the boys, I decided to go against my nature and get out of my head a little…so we had a little adventure tonight…

Sean is rocking the big boy underwear at daycare now…which means he comes home in them…

Sitting in the pick-up line to get Aidan, I hear, “Mommy, I gotta poop.”

Aw, hell no…

“Can you hold it?  Just squeeze, baby…”  Yes, I explained to a two year old how to “hold it.”

“O…..k….Mommy…” Clearly, he was trying to squeeze.

We stopped at Burger King on the way home to use their potty because he really had to go…the thought that this was just the beginning of a loan road of potty training came and went in my mind…I walked him into the bathroom, and he immediately said, “Noooooooooooooo!”

I refuse to force him to use the bathroom, further traumatizing him, so we left Burger King.  But of course, by the time we got home, there was a little mess to deal with.

This was a moment I could feel that moodiness and crankiness closing in on me.

Idea time…I got the boys their baths and into their pajamas…and we went to Sonic for dinner.  We sat in the car, ate our greasy junk food (my stomach is hating me right now), and ordered our dessert to go.  The car was off, the windows were down, and it was almost like a picnic…better than a restaurant – where they tend to get cranky…even better than the McDonald’s Play Place – where I tend to get cranky…

It was emotional eating at it’s best…but for one night, we broke up the monotony of our lives…we had a small adventure…and for brief moment, I kept the emotions at bay…

Rougher Than Most

Father’s Day hasn’t been my favorite day for 10 years…10 years without my dad.  The first one was the hardest…the first one after my mom met The Step wasn’t easy for me…but after I had the boys, it became less painful because I focused on The Ex instead.  Last year, I thought more about my own dad than I did anything else – probably because The Ex was still around for Aidan and Sean (sort of)…

This year has been rougher than most…

Aidan made a Father’s Day card for The Ex that said: “You’re the best dad ever.”  And I wanted to cry – for multiple reasons.  First because this beautiful little boy still thinks his dad is the best one ever…and second because he doesn’t know it’s supposed to be better than this…he doesn’t know that dads are supposed to see their children more than once every couple of weeks…he doesn’t know that dads are supposed to make an effort to be a part of their children’s lives…he doesn’t know what he’s missing…

I’m not such a cold-hearted bitch that I would ever tell Aidan he’s wrong about his dad.  I purposefully don’t say a single negative thing about The Ex to either of the boys…and they adore their absentee father.  Good for them…I suppose.  He’s a lucky man, and he has no fucking clue.  He has the love of the two most beautiful boys on the planet…they don’t care that he’s broke…they don’t care that his living conditions are unusual – Aidan is dying to see where his dad lives…all they care about is him and being able to spend time with him.

Today, because it was the right thing to do (and only for that reason), I took the boys to see their dad…it was only an hour and a half – and yes, I would give him more time if he wanted it…but they were ecstatic…time with their dad is a precious thing…

I’m not a fool – I took that moment to do something without the boys…I went to the grocery store…it was the best $50 I’ve spent in a long time because I was able to focus on the task at hand…it was wonderfully luxurious…and I was fine…until I got to the car and realized it was time to go get the boys…and I started thinking…

I thought about my own dad and how much I miss him…especially when life is hard…I know if he were alive, he’d give me rough, no-nonsense advice that would sound (to the untrained ear) more like yelling…but I would pay attention and consider what he said…I don’t begrudge my mother one moment of happiness with The Step – but it doesn’t make me stop wishing Daddy was still alive…knowing what I know now, I’d rather be the child of a divorce and have both my parents than this…

I thought about The Ex and how much of an idiot he is…I know that he loves the boys…and I think he shies away to keep from hurting…it must hurt to be away and be under the strain he’s experiencing…I get that…but to me, his are the actions of a coward…everybody hurts…everybody gets scared and stressed…we all know I’ve gone through those emotions a million times…but I haven’t walked away from my responsibilities…I haven’t walked away from the people I love because it’s somehow “easier!”

I thought about the boys and how I want so much better for them…I now understand what it is to look at a man and assess him – not on his looks, his clothes, his car…but on his ability as a partner, as a parent, as a provider…it’s a strange thing…it makes the whole process a lot more clinical that’s for sure…thankfully, I still have a little mojo in me, so it’s not completely sterile and clinical…ha!  It also makes me very picky…so far, in my limited experience, I’ve only come across one man who fits the bill…and we’re in a holding pattern…and I’m learning patience…

Overall, the only thing that matters is that the boys had a good time today…all they know is that they saw their dad and they had fun…and in the end, that’s probably all that really matters on a day like today…

To all the real men in this world who love, nurture, and provide for your children in whatever way you can, I say, Happy Father’s Day.

I’m Just Happy

I feel like the luckiest woman on the planet, right now…and I’m not sure what I did to deserve it…

No, I didn’t win the Lotto…but I feel like I did…

Plans I put into place are coming together…things are working out the way I had hoped…is this proof that I can make good decisions, that I know what I’m doing?

I feel like I can breathe…I feel light as air…I feel like it’s ok to hope and dream again…

Why now? Why me and not someone else?

No, I’m not complaining…and I’m not trying to jinx myself…and I know there’s no good answer to my questions…

It just feels so out of the blue…

The results of my good fortune are already being felt…I’m becoming less self-involved (finally)…I have room in my head, heart, and world to focus on the people who matter…

Ironically, it would be better to feel this way when things aren’t going well, but that’s hard to do…

The surprising part about feeling so good is that I want to spread that feeling…I want others to feel as wonderful as I do…I want to share my joy…

You know what I like the best about this picture? I look happy…not for any particular reason…just because…

And The Walls Come Tumblin’ Down…

I should know better…once I talk about what’s on my mind, something opens up inside and I’m forced to deal with it…

I had walls up all around me…and then they came tumblin’ down…

Well, actually a dam broke…

I kept everything bottled up for so long, something was bound to happen…I don’t know why I cried last night…and I don’t know why it didn’t last longer…but when I woke up this morning, I felt better…

Normally I drag myself out of bed…I shuffle along, half-asleep, dreading the day…today was different…nothing has changed – externally…but something’s different…I’ve been energized, not energetic, but I’ve moved throughout my day with a sense of purpose…and I have no good explanation…but I am not complaining…

Walls All Around Me

I’m a person with walls…not sure how long I’ve been that way…probably my whole life…

Originally my walls were designed to keep people at a distance – because I trust no one…I think I even kept some of those walls up while I was married…sad but true…

Only one person has actually walked right through my walls, like they weren’t even there…and at the time, he acknowledged them, knew they were there, told me to drop them…with This Man, I made a conscious decision to take a chance and let him in…but he was already halfway through by the time I decided to let him in…funny how that works…

I have different walls now…it’s not about trust anymore – even though I still don’t trust people, as a general rule…they’re more of a shield now…

I’m tired of hurting or worrying or stressing…in an act of self-preservation, I slam up a wall between me and whatever is causing me pain…

What I realized today is once the wall is in place, it’s really hard to feel anything…and when the negative feelings manage to worm their way through a crack in my wall, it hurts worse than before…so basically all my stupid walls are doing is numbing me to a reality I just don’t want to deal with…

I know it’s not healthy…but I’m so tired of wanting what I can’t have…I’m tired of worrying all the time…I’m tired of hurting…at least this way I can function a little…

10 Years Ago

If I was still married, today would be my 10th wedding anniversary…

And I don’t know how I feel about that…I feel something, because I’ve thought about this day for the past couple of weeks.  Several of my friends on Facebook have celebrated their 10 year anniversaries in the past couple of months…and it only made me think of my own lost 10 year anniversary…

Please do not think in any way that I wish I was still married to The Ex…oh hell no!

It does make me think of what was supposed to be, what might have been, and what’s still to come…

I had jokingly demanded requested that our 10 year anniversary be the year I finally got a diamond ring – a big one…we had said that on our 10 year anniversary we would take a cruise (I would loooooove to go on a cruise)…we had said so many things…but like a lot of our marriage, it was all talk…it was never going to happen…and somehow that makes me a little sad…

I’m not sad that it’s not going to happen with The Ex…but that I never realized it wasn’t going to happen at all…that I fooled myself into believing that I could will him to do something I wanted…that if I wanted it bad enough, I could make it happen – come hell or high water…

So what’s to come?  Who the hell knows?

I hope that I get married again one day…I hope I’m smarter about it…I hope that it’s different and that when I hit the 10 year mark, there are no disappointments…I’m filled with hope about my future…and a little sadness about my past…

Wishing and Worrying

I’m a wisher…and I’m a worrier…which means that I often worry that the things I wish would happen, won’t…seriously…

I often wish my life was different…that I had more money…that I had a new car…that I could do more for Aidan and Sean…that I could do more, be more, have more…that I could be with my family, This Man, BFF…

Then I worry…about how to earn more money…what I’ll do if I have car problems…how I’ll deal with whatever the boys need next…that I’ll never be more than I am right now…that I’ll never have more with This Man than I do right now…that I’ll always be alone…

Exhausted yet? Yeah, me too…

But I think I’m moving past some of that…I don’t know if I’m growing up…I don’t know if I’m beginning to accept my life as it is…I don’t know if it’s a change I’m going through…

I don’t longingly wish for things I don’t have…I don’t worry that I can’t handle the next stressor that comes along…

I know that things happen in life when they’re supposed to happen…I know that I can handle just about anything life throws at me…I know that worrying about things that might never happen is a waste of time and energy…I know that hard work, perserverance, imagination, honesty, heart, and love will get me a lot further down this path I’m on than wishing and worrying ever will…

My Blog Is One Year Old

I woke up this morning thinking about this post…hell, I was thinking about it when I went to bed last night…sad but true…

The one year anniversary of a blog seems like a big deal to me…Just over 200 posts, nearly 5000 views, and 66 subscribers later, I’m still amazed that people read the stuff that lives in my head…especially since I’m not passing out advice about life, love, or children…what blows me away even more is that there are people who go to their browser, type in the url for my blog, and read my thoughts – on purpose…?! And damn I wish I knew who it is…or maybe I’d rather not know…hmmmm…

I started this blog because I had so much in my head that I couldn’t seem to get out…I thought I was going to explode…I’ve always done better when I talk it all out…for whatever crazy reason, I thought, “Hey, let’s do it in a completely public forum!”

But, I’ve digressed (as usual)…this morning I thought I knew the direction of this post…and then real life intervened…Sean is sick…we spent three hours in immediate care…because this mother of the year still hasn’t found the boys a new pediatrician since we moved six months ago…his eyes were oozing, his nose was oozing, he was slobbery, and he was a little furnace – who promptly fell asleep in my arms…

I felt people glancing at us…feeling sorry for one or both of us, I think (probably the adorable baby in my arms)…the image I presented feels stereotypical, I think…single, harried, stressed out mom with sick child, all alone, no help, blah blah blah…and I thought about how I would have reacted a year ago to a day like today…

I think it would have made me sad…I’m sure I would have stressed out about Sean being sick, me missing work, taking care of a sick child and a hyper, healthy child – you name it…

A lot can change in a year…

No need to feel sorry for myself…I know I can handle days like this – I do it all the time…

Sometimes I don’t think I’ve changed…only that I’ve learned how to fake it…or that I’ve come to accept my life instead of railing against it…so I guess it’s a question better answered by the people who’ve read my crazy thoughts…especially for the people (brave souls that you are) who have read from the beginning…

Am I different? Have I changed in the past year?

A Different Kind of Grief

I woke up this morning just as upset as I felt when I went to bed last night…I was barely functional…definitely not at my best…

I sobbed in the shower just so the boys wouldn’t have to be subjected to it…

And it finally dawned on me…I’m grieving…sometime between yesterday afternoon and this morning I made the decision that I wasn’t going to keep forcing The Ex to participate in the boys’ lives…if he chooses to, wonderful – I’ll never turn him away…but I’m not going to do it for him…

By making that decision, I know that I am effectively cutting the time he spends with the boys to almost nothing…I know that it’s not me doing it – this is about him and his choices…but it doesn’t make me feel any better…

They are sweet little boys who love both of us…they don’t understand why life is so different – Aidan says he wishes The Ex and I would get married again…they aren’t going to understand this…it’s going to hurt – and that’s where my grief comes from…am I ultimately doing what’s best for them? I think so…but knowing that they will feel pain because of it rips me apart…

I get the feeling that Aidan senses I’m the adult in the situation…and I worry that a day will come when he blames me – because the grown up in the room should know better (and do better)…

Clearly, The Ex is an adolescent who really thinks I invite him along because I want to be with him (I think he thinks he stands a chance with me…really?!)…and he spends the whole time focused on me, not the boys – I won’t subject us to that anymore…they deserve his attention, and when (if) he decides he wants to see them, he knows where to find them…

It doesn’t make my heart hurt any less…it doesn’t make me any less angry…it doesn’t make me grieve any less for two beautiful little boys who deserve so much more…