I’m Happy

Ask my Facebook friends and they’ll tell you I can stop posting about having good days…and unlike some folks on the interwebs who post things that they wish were true (for whatever reason), I really do continue to have good days…for a very simple reason…I’m freaking happy…

I feel like I’m figuring out my life…I’m about a week out from the one year anniversary of the day my divorce was finalized, and I feel like 360 (or so) days later, I’ve finally gotten good at life…

The boys are – well, they’re boys…that pretty much tells you everything you need to know, right?  But I can handle it…I don’t fall into despair…I don’t pull my hair out…I do contemplate a trade with gypsies every now and then…

Financially, I’m still broke – but I’m not scared…if you’ve ever been so broke you were terrified, you know what that feels like…I’m finally moving forward with my life…it’s still tight, sure…but I don’t spend time lamenting how hard it is or the what-ifs (I hate the what-ifs – they can haunt your ass if you’re not careful)…I feel like I’m moving forward instead of standing still or even going backwards…

People have come in to my life that I never expected…and that makes me happy…makes me glow…makes me feel more myself than I ever have…everyone should be so lucky to connect with people who get you at your core…and like you for it…

I don’t have anything insightful, meaningful, or even funny to say about it…I’m happy – plain and simple…

I Paid Money For That

I “found” a babysitter for the boys a couple of weeks ago – found being a relative term since she’s Sean’s day care teacher, but whatever…

We needed to do a trial run – a couple of hours, let’s see how the boys act, blah blah blah…it was just an excuse to find an afternoon or evening for peace and quiet…and today was the day!

All I wanted to do was go grocery shopping by myself…and I paid for the pleasure…it was worth every damn penny…Aidan admits he doesn’t like to go grocery shopping – because Mean Mommy never buys him anything – ever…you know how I am, letting him starve and go naked…

I bought shoes for Sean – there was no whining from Aidan that he wanted shoes…I went to lunch – there were no little voices demanding a kid’s meal toy…I went to Sam’s Club for some of my bulk items (and the best damn price on milk in town) – in and out in 15 minutes…I went to Dollar General – and looked at toiletry items for several minutes to decide what I wanted, instead of grabbing whatever I can reach just to get the hell out of there…I went to Winn Dixie and bought what was on my list and ONLY what was on my list…

Yes, those three hours were worth every penny I paid for them…

Today Was A Good Day

It didn’t start out as a good day…I had a big misunderstanding with a friend of mine…that’s what happens when most of your talking is online – can’t see facial expressions, body language, or know when they even leave the room…I woke up mad – as hell…

I came to work, determined to hide away and nurse my hurt feelings…it’s better, for my co-workers, if I’m behind closed doors on days when I’m like this…

A coworker came up to me while I was getting my breakfast together, while I was still fuming and stewing, and said, “I needed to pay it forward.”  I looked at her in confusion, and she handed me a bag – filled with goodies, just for me…I almost cried…

Too many emotions at once, and I had to hide in my office…I talked to her while she was eating lunch, thanking her profusely…of course, I asked, “Why?”

“Because I see what you go through, and I’ve been a single mom, but not with little ones,” she said.  “And everyone needs encouragement sometimes.  You’re doing a good job, and you need to know that.”

Ok, I can’t even type it right now without crying…can you imagine how I was when she said it?  It was the sweetest, most beautiful thing I’ve ever heard…and it was random…she didn’t have to do that…and now I know I need to pay it forward when I can…

To make the day even better, I had an official business meeting with Cool Chick today…and of course, we sort of got off topic, but it was still business…she should come hang out more often…she’s someone I relate to, but also someone I look up to…she’s had it rougher, been through far more, and she’s built something for herself that’s enviable…I guess I want to be like her when I grow up…oh, and of course the fact that she’s straightforward as hell and not really afraid to tell someone to kiss her ass holds a little appeal, too…

Anyway, today shouldn’t have been a great day…but it was…I’m ending today with a glass of really good wine, a couple of pieces of dark chocolate, and a smile on my face…everyone should be so fortunate…

The Potty Chronicles – Potty Whisperer

Have I mentioned before that The Step is a freaking Potty Whisperer?

Just 24 hours with The Step and Sean will wear his big boy underwear AND sit on the potty – the BIG one…no special little potty seat needed.  He puts on his own underwear – albeit backwards…he stays dry all night….

Well, until The Step left…and then he cried when I made him sit on the potty…he tried to refuse to wear his underwear…he went to a corner and pooped in his diaper (he still sleeps in diapers)…

But I listened to the Potty Whisperer…and I invoke his wrath as necessary with Sean…

There will be tears – both Sean’s and my own – but we will make it to the other side of this whole potty training thing…hopefully in one piece…

 

Wallowing

I feel crappy today…and it relates to emotional eating.  So I blogged about it somewhere else – here, if you’re interested.

Tomorrow, I’ll be over it and back to fighting form…today, well, blah…

For Aidan

Happy Birthday, Aidan.  Today you are seven years old…and while a part of me views you as really young (because you are), another part can’t believe how quickly you’re growing up…

So much has happened in the past year, so many changes…and you amaze me everyday…from the way you read to your brother to the way you hold my hand crossing the parking lot…

You held my hand today…and it was different than it used to be…your hand is strong, you’re filled with the confidence of youth – that thing that makes you believe anything is possible…and it’s in those moments that I know I haven’t somehow damaged you with the divorce…

When you say, “Yes ma’am” and “Please and thank you,” I know you’re going to be ok…

And you’re a good big brother, too…talking to Sean, playing with him, reading to him, helping him put his shoes on (when I beg you)…in these moments, I know you’re growing up just fine…

You still have your moments…crying tonight for 20 minutes because you couldn’t have a soda right before bed reminded me just how young you really are…

I’m very proud of you and love you more than I know how to express – even when I want to sell you to the gypsies…if this is who you are at 7, I can only imagine what the future holds…

Conversations With Sean

I heard a little sound behind me.

Me: “You pooted, Sean-Sean!”

Sean: “No, I farted, Mommy…”

And then I heard it again…

*****

Sean: “Where’s Aidan?”

Me: “He’s in the bathroom, Sean.”

Sean: “You mean he’s in the potty, Mommy.”

Oh, I thought we were using the proper words for things today.

*****

Sean: “Are we going to the washing car today, Mommy?”

Me: “No, we’re not going to the car wash today, baby.”

Sean: “It’s the washing car, Mommy.  It’s called the washing car.  Say washing car!”

For the record, I did not say “washing car.”

*****

Sean: “Where are we going, Mommy?”

Me: “We’re going to pick up Aidan.”

Sean: “And then what?”

Me: “And then we’re going home, Sean-Sean.”

Sean: “Yaaaaay! Yay!”

Me: “Yay!”

Sean: “Don’t say ‘yay,’ Mommy.  Don’t say it!”

*****

His vocabulary exploded about two months ago…but its his thought processes that are the most fascinating.  I don’t remember Aidan being like this at Sean’s age…so I have to assume it’s relatively unique to Sean.  It’s kind of fun talking to him…

Daycare vs. Home

There’s a battle going on with Sean…the battle between daycare and home.  God, I hope daycare wins…

At daycare, Sean will…

• Wear big boy underwear (Thomas, of course)
• Use the big boy potty – with little to no help
• Drink from a cup (with no straw)
• Drink water
• Eat carrots
• Say his shapes, colors, and ABCs
• Play with something other than a Thomas toy

At home, Sean will..,

• Only wear diapers or Pull-Ups
• Refuse to use the potty, even his Cars potty, and cry when I ask him to try
• Only use his cup with a lid and a straw, unless the sippy cup is available
• Drink only juice, chocolate milk if I bribe him
• Eat PopTarts, bananas, or whatever I’m having
• Refuse to say his shapes, colors, or ABCs…and pretend that green is red and that blue is purple
• Play with Thomas, while watching Thomas, while listening to a Thomas story and making up a Thomas story while he’s playing with Thomas…”Wheel-turn by wheel-turn, Thomas chuffed away, Mommy…”

I think I’m going to let the daycare win this one…they seem to be raising a fine young man!

One of Those Moms

It’s a stereotype, and all stereotypes have some basis in truth, but I don’t want to be one of those moms…that mom who has no life outside of her children…who doesn’t know how to function without them…who’s whole world centers around her children and nothing else…

I want to have meaningful relationships separate from my boys…I want to have interests outside of my children…and I am unapologetic about wanting that…I’m no good to the boys if I make them the center of my universe…

That being said, I can feel it starting to happen…or I can feel the worry that it will happen starting to creep in…me worry about something? Crazy talk! Whatever…if you’ve read more than one other post, you already know I worry about worrying, that’s how much I worry…

From 7:30 a.m. until 4:30 p.m. Monday through Friday, I have a full work-life filled with interactions, conversations, understandings, misunderstandings, growth, knowledge, learning…I talk to probably 100 people in a day sometimes, all with different issues, questions, gripes, complaints…and I wear 10 different hats…I enjoy that part of my life…

From 4:30 p.m. until 7:30 a.m. Monday through Friday, and of course the weekends, my life consists of Aidan and Sean…which is a wonderful thing…except that my life consists only of Aidan and Sean…no money for a babysitter, no group of friends that I hang out  with (yes, I have friends…), and sometimes no interaction with another adult outside of work (or at the very least minimal interaction)…I’ve gone entire days where I’ve spoken to not one other person beside my children before…it’s a lonely life…I admit that…and it’s not a complaint…it’s just reality…

And what I can feel happening is that my life is narrowing down to two little boys and every move they make…that’s not a horrible thing…I enjoyed the hour Sean spent kissing my cheeks and laying all over me today…I laughed when both boys attacked me and each one kissed my cheeks…when I told Sean my stomach didn’t feel good, he demanded to see my tummy, and placed a little hand on it and said he needed to make it better – and then leaned down to kiss it…yeah, that’s a heart-melting moment…those are precious moments…I savor them…I hope I always remember them…

But eventually these boys will get older, and I will no longer be “Mommy.”  What then?  How do I cope when the center of my universe no longer wants to be the center of my universe?  And believing (as I do) that it’s a little unhealthy to make them the center of my universe, how the hell do I combat it when I don’t have any other options?  Thank God for blogging (late at night when everyone else has gone to bed) or I’d have nothing…but should I be concerned that I’ve turned my main blog into a blog about my children?

Because, damn it, I really don’t want to be one of those moms…

A Break In The Monotony

I felt an emotional moodiness creep up on me today…I think it’s been working up to this point for days…everything feels too close, too restrictive…I want space – which is impossible to have…my emotions are at the surface…and on the drive home, I could feel myself going inward – to try and figure out why…

Part of the moodiness is a desire for something different…some intangible thing (that I have no name for)…and it makes me cranky…

When I realized I was overly cranky with the boys, I decided to go against my nature and get out of my head a little…so we had a little adventure tonight…

Sean is rocking the big boy underwear at daycare now…which means he comes home in them…

Sitting in the pick-up line to get Aidan, I hear, “Mommy, I gotta poop.”

Aw, hell no…

“Can you hold it?  Just squeeze, baby…”  Yes, I explained to a two year old how to “hold it.”

“O…..k….Mommy…” Clearly, he was trying to squeeze.

We stopped at Burger King on the way home to use their potty because he really had to go…the thought that this was just the beginning of a loan road of potty training came and went in my mind…I walked him into the bathroom, and he immediately said, “Noooooooooooooo!”

I refuse to force him to use the bathroom, further traumatizing him, so we left Burger King.  But of course, by the time we got home, there was a little mess to deal with.

This was a moment I could feel that moodiness and crankiness closing in on me.

Idea time…I got the boys their baths and into their pajamas…and we went to Sonic for dinner.  We sat in the car, ate our greasy junk food (my stomach is hating me right now), and ordered our dessert to go.  The car was off, the windows were down, and it was almost like a picnic…better than a restaurant – where they tend to get cranky…even better than the McDonald’s Play Place – where I tend to get cranky…

It was emotional eating at it’s best…but for one night, we broke up the monotony of our lives…we had a small adventure…and for brief moment, I kept the emotions at bay…