Bittersweet Weekend

It was great – because it happened…it sucked – because it ended…

I saw everyone I wanted to see this weekend…and I was completely content…until I wasn’t because I was impatient to get to see the next person…have I ever mentioned that I’m not a patient person?

The weekend didn’t really go like I planned at all…torrential downpours and stressful lives will do that…but when I put my silly disappointment to the side, it was exactly what it needed to be – a chance to spend time with people I love beyond belief…

And while I was filled with frantic energy on Friday – gotta get there, let’s get there, are we there yet?, Saturday and Sunday were peaceful because I still had time…it was Monday that hurt…I’m never ready to leave…a part of me goes missing when I leave…a part of my internal puzzle…I’m not complete anymore – functional, yes, but incomplete…

The reality is that only one thing stands in the way of my own happiness…a J-O-B…if I had one of those, I’d be back there in a heartbeat…the one I have right now isn’t one you walk away from without a damn good reason…and in this economy, you don’t ever walk away from a job without another one waiting (hell, you don’t do that in any economy)…

I cried for the first hour that I drove back…for multiple reasons – and they all know who they are…and then I did what I always do…I set it to the side because I have to be able to function…and wallowing in my own self pity and misery aren’t conducive to that, thankyouverymuch!

So I’m back at it…tomorrow is another day…I’m learning to find peace with myself, by myself…I’m reminding myself that those darling children don’t really need to be sold to the gypsies, although, I am often tempted…and I’ll look forward to the next opportunity to complete my puzzle – even if it’s just for a few minutes…

Sometimes You Just Know

I’ve been in my head today…not in a bad, mopey way…I’m always trying to figure things out…decide if I’m looking at issues from the right perspective…

I can’t fix my life financially…I can’t fix The Ex…I can’t fix so many things…I can only deal with me and how I think and feel…that probably sounds pretty simplistic, but for someone with control issues, that’s a major revelation…

Lately, my mind has been on This Man – a lot…I can always tell when I’ve had too much time away from him, because thoughts of him can’t be put to the side easily…

When we first reconnected after so many years, it was comfortable…it was the best part of who we were as kids…we had both matured…we didn’t need to prove anything to each other, so the cockiness of our youth took a back seat…it didn’t take long for me to fall…and fall hard…he spent more time reassuring me that it was ok to feel the way I did than anything else…

For weeks, we talked, texted, emailed…it was wonderful…it was heady stuff…for the first time in so long, I felt like a teenager…and like a greedy child, I didn’t want that to end…but this is the real world, and the real world has a way of intervening…

I think it works in our favor that This Man and I came together again during a moment in time when he had the ability to focus on me…because once his life turned a little, that changed…

I didn’t handle it well, at first…I emoted…I freaked out…I was so unsure of myself and of his feelings for me…I had no confidence that without constant contact he wouldn’t forget all about me, change his mind, run screaming in the other direction…

I’ve settled down…waaaaay down…he made the statement several weeks ago that he just wants me to be happy and if that meant being with someone else, he wouldn’t like it, but he’d accept it…I tried to say the same thing, but I choked a little on it…I want him to be happy, too – of course! But I just hope it’s with me…I had to explain to him that this isn’t about being with just anyone, with a warm body that might buy me dinner every once in a while…I’d like to think that if I went out looking for that, I could find it – but that could just be a little ego talking…this about something much deeper, purer, and (possibly) simpler…

Now I’m at a point where I’m dissecting everything…and if I told him, he’d probably roll his eyes, and say, “Oh brother…” I do know him pretty well…

The feelings came easily…once I accepted them…my paranoid side wonders if it was too easy…I’m nervous about anything that seems too easy…but what’s easy about being three hours apart, talking maybe three times a week, and only seeing each other once a month (if I’m lucky)?

My instinct tells me that if we ever get to just be that good things will happen…and then I scare myself because what if my instinct is wrong?  Have you ever just known something, deep down in your gut, unquestioningly, so that it becomes simple fact?  That’s what this is…it’s not a feeling that everything will be perfect or that it will always be easy…it’s knowing that no matter what happens, it can (and hopefully will) work out…

This Man’s life is in a little bit of limbo right now…and I get it…this time last year, I was in a similar position…so I’ve backed off…I’ve let him be…I’ve waited for him to have calm moments…I’ve accepted what I can have of him, from him, and tried not to ask for more…not because I think I don’t deserve more…but because I really do believe that if we can get to that point, it will fall into place like it’s supposed to…as long as I respect the weirdness of his life right now…

And while I try not to care or think too much about what other people think of me, my life, This Man, whatever, I know that without my gut telling me what I know in my heart to be true, it probably looks from the outside like I give more or care more or feel more…but I guess that’s why it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks…it only matters what we think…

So I’m not just accepting my lot in life – in my own way, I’m working towards a better, happier future…and I’m not settling for something less than what I deserve (been there, done that)…I’m showing patience I didn’t know I possessed…I’m willing to wait for the right moment in time…I believe that something excellent can come of this, whatever this is…

 

What’s In My Head, Desperate To Get Out?

Hell if I know…last night, as I was drifting off to sleep (after walking Aidan back to his bed for the SECOND time because I was sooooo serious that he needed to sleep in his own bed), I started mentally writing – something brilliant, I’m sure, but I don’t remember now…I’ve thought that my writing has been flat for the past several days…which is a big reason why I haven’t had much to say…

And I think I know why…because I’m not writing what’s in my head…I’m writing fluff…I’m not really about fluff…every once in a while, sure, but in this space, it’s not supposed to be about fluff…it’s supposed to be me figuring out life, figuring out myself…

So what’s in my head right now?

I’m worried about love and sex and romance (but not necessarily in that order)…and I don’t think I’m supposed to be worried about that yet because I’ve only been divorced three months…I think I’m supposed to be trying to go out and have fun and attempt to live the single life when I have appropriate childcare (it’s still illegal to leave your child on a shelf while you go out, I checked)…but that’s not me…it is if I’m with people I trust…it is if I’m comfortable with the group I’m with…but you’re not going to find me clubbing or bar-hopping for the most part…

And I refuse to do the online dating thing…I’ve heard horror stories…I have a blogging friend who’s got horror stories…for me to meet someone it has to be through work (which has happened and it’s fun when time allows) or through friends (which makes me nervous because the majority of my friends are my mother’s age…no one wants the person their mother prefers) or…

Or…BBFF…

I’m not sure if I believe in soul mates…The Ex billed himself as my soul mate, and I don’t think I ever completely bought that (and clearly we weren’t if how our relationship ended is any indication)…I’m not sure what I believe in when it comes to romance and love…and that in itself proves to be a problem…because BBFF and I have a strange connection that I don’t understand…we have an understanding about each other that I don’t understand…and that scares the hell out of me…

Am I being smart by saying that I need to live the life of a single woman for a while (even though I have no clue what that even means)? Am I being stupid by slowing down something that feels good and right? Am I over-thinking the whole thing and should just let it all play out, enjoying the moments as they come, and not worry about the future?

I don’t know…guess I need to figure that out…

Oh, and since I don’t have permission from BBFF to blog about BBFF, I’m not going into details…I might not respect my own privacy, but I will respect his and everyone else’s…so you just have to deal with the thoughts that roll around in my head…

A Simple Concept

Nothing much to say (for once), but I figured I would share the revelation I had today…it made perfect sense once it finally dawned on me…

Ok, back-story first (because I’m an explainer, remember?)…as I’ve said a million times, I want what I want when I want it…just part of who I am…not a patient person…but as it often happens in life, I’ve been forced to be patient…

Anyway, I find out today that what I thought was going to happen, what I want to happen, what should happen…well, it might not happen…so I did what I’ve for my almost 32 years on the planet (like the not-so-subtle hint that it’s almost my birthday?)…I sulked. Yes, I admit it, I’m a sulker…

And that’s when it hit me…I’m the only one around, why sulk?  Who’s it for?  I’m certainly not getting any sympathy from my children who aren’t paying attention and could care less anyway…the person directly affected by my disappointment isn’t here to notice my sulking and cheer me up…

So, on this issue at least, I’m done sulking…because there’s no point…

Such a simple concept…and it only took almost 32 years to sink in…

Stuff…Random Stuff…

Do you know I hit 100 posts the other day and didn’t even realize it?  I’ve been blogging since April 30 – that’s a LOT of talking…I wonder if I’ve changed at all…hmm, that’s something to contemplate later…I haven’t posted anything for a couple of days…at first I didn’t have anything to say…and then when I did, I couldn’t get my internet to work…now I’m just filled with random stuff…

*****

I found a place to live!!!!!!!!  It’s quiet and safe and the right size and has a balcony off the master bedroom…a spot that, if I do it right, will be MINE…I have no intention of sharing it with the boys…mostly because I’m that mom who would be a nervous wreck that they would fall – even though they wouldn’t…

When Mom #2, who doubts EVERYTHING, knew I would take it in the first 5 minutes, I knew my instincts were right…there will be some adjustments, and probably some whining – from all three of us – but it’s going to be our new place…closer to work, closer to friends, and hopefully a little less wear and tear on me…

*****

The Ex was caught in a pack of lies over the weekend by his girlfriend…and myself…because for the first time in 6 months, we talked…I don’t know if she called just to get info to use on him…I don’t know if she called to stir up trouble (I don’t think so)…but I discovered I’ve been lied to for several months…about things that don’t matter…things that didn’t have to turn in to lies…

And somehow, as it has been since February 13, 2011, it was my fault that they fought…wow.

*****

My children love my Separated-At-Birth Sister…adore her…and her children adore mine…and she cooks so well it makes her house smell divine…damn, I miss home-cooking…makes me so tired of living out of paper bags and drive thru…yes, I recognize it’s my own fault…and thanks to her, I had a couple extra hours to myself this weekend – that, my friends, is priceless…

*****

I’m back to being completely worn down again…it’s lack of exercise, lack of good, healthy food, and the addition of new stress…I find myself grinding my teeth while I’m driving or just sitting quietly anywhere…once I get lost in thought, there I go, grinding my teeth…

Some of the stress will alleviate itself once the move is done…and I’m finally taking a vacation, too…I’m not going anywhere, but I’ll have my days free from children and work…

*****

I realized that I miss intimacy…I’m not talking sex (that’s definitely a conversation for another day)…I’m talking about pure intimacy…simple, small stuff that we all take for granted when there’s someone with us…quick hugs, pecks on the cheek, curling up on the couch…leaning on someone, wrapping your arms around each other for no other reason than just because…

I don’t want it with The Ex…but I do miss it…

Separated at Birth or Serial Killer?

So I think I met a sister I never knew I had today…all I wanted to do was find child care for Sean so that when we move, I know where he’s going to be…when all the traditional options for daycare didn’t pan out – if it’s going to cost me DOUBLE to put the boys in daycare and after-school care, then there’s no savings to moving closer to work – I started looking at less traditional methods.

After a lot of long talks with myself about intuition and trusting my gut, I went to Craigslist…and yes, I know, EVERYONE knows a horror story about Craigslist…but if it didn’t work for the majority of people, it would never have lasted this long, right?  And I’m a pretty good judge of people (The Ex, notwithstanding) and I know when my instinct tells me something isn’t right…

So I combed the childcare posts, literally letting my gut guide me on which one’s to even respond to for more information…I bypassed a LOT of them…surprisingly, the ones that sounded the most professional were the people who either never got back to me or took forever….really?!  I came across two that gave a cell phone number and an offer to text or call – since I don’t like talking to people I don’t know, I was more than willing to text them…both responded, but only one was friendly…

Ok, don’t get me wrong, I know the crazy psycho-killers pretend to be really nice before they chop your head off…I get it…but even through text, I got a good vibe…we chatted about all sorts of things for more than an hour…that was last week…this week, I made a point to find out where she lives and go meet her…

And I think we were separated at birth (but don’t tell our mothers)…she’s a year older than me, we’re both Scorpios (read: stereotypical Scorpios), and we have way too much in common…and it wasn’t one of those freaky, scary movie scenes, where I say everything about myself, and she just responds with, “Me too!”  I was the one saying, “Me too!!” the whole time.  I even liked her dogs!

Same favorite color, same favorite stores, same philosophies on parenting (not all – but only because we didn’t have time to discuss them all), same laugh – that’s terrifying, same personality (to a certain extent)…we started talking about school – I went to college, she didn’t get the chance because she got pregnant – but we both love to learn…we both love to write…we’re both addicted to Facebook…we’re both tech geeks (her’s is more with equipment, mine is more on what that equipment can do)…we talked about shopping…we remembered, eventually, to talk about our children…

I told her that I considered asking her if she was a serial killer…she even gets my humor…oh yeah, and we’re both sarcastic as hell…

So now I have to decide – is liking her a good enough reason to leave a small child in her care?

I’ve Got Good Friends

Today should have been smooth as silk…if yesterday’s plans were any indication.  Today should have been ruined…if this morning’s craziness was any indication. Today was just right…because I’ve got a damned good friend.

The boys were with The Ex last night…because Mom #2 picked them and delivered them (I owe her lunch for that one – because she wouldn’t accept gas money)…they went to the circus…had a big time…life was good…until this morning when I was informed that I needed to come get them (long story that I won’t clog up my blog space for)…I wasn’t in a position to get them quickly…and to be honest, I wanted the freaking day off…I asked for 24 hours off…24 freaking hours…

Mom #2 to the rescue…I’m not sure if it’s just because she’s such a good friend…or because she considers my boys her psuedo-grandchildren…or because I was sobbing hysterically on the phone (mostly from anger)…either way, she picked them up and showed them a big time for the day…and since she won’t accept money from me EVER, I bought her dinner…ahhh, even better, adult conversation with someone who knows how to keep a child occupied without ever causing a break in the discussion…I have so much to learn from her…

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BFF is that friend that I don’t have to talk to everyday (and we usually don’t), but when we do, it’s like we haven’t missed a beat…she’s the one whose house I ran to in MS when I was trying to decide whether I should stay married or not…runny nose, bronchitis, and all…we talked over margaritas and chips and salsa (as usual)…she knew before I did that I had already made up my mind about what I was going to do…but she also knew I had to talk it out…that I needed a sounding board…and in true BFF fashion, she didn’t express her joy at the idea until after I had made up my mind…

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BBFF lets me email him about whatever is on my mind…sometimes it’s my thoughts about an ongoing discussion we’ve been having about relationships…sometimes it’s whatever thoughts are in my head at the moment…I love having that outlet…he may get tired of it soon, though…when we have time, we can talk for hours…we don’t get to very often, but we can…I get antsy if I have to go too long without a conversation…he tends to ground me, whether he realizes it or not…

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Eebee is the one who is most like me on a lot of levels and yet my total opposite on others…its sort of strange…she’s one of the first women my own age I ever clicked with (most of them are older than me)…some people think I mimic her style…which she and I both know isn’t true…I mimic her ability to have a sense of style…thanks to Eebee, people actually refer to earrings as “Michaela earrings” as in, “I saw these and thought, ‘Those are definitely Michaela earrings.'” Eebee helped me remember that I’m a woman…a young woman…a GIRL…

I still remember the day she dragged me to the MAC counter at Belk, sat me down with her friend Nova, and said, “Do something with her, please.”  And I haven’t looked back.  (By the way, I wore make-up before, no matter WHAT Eebee thinks.) We have the same body language, we laugh at the same stuff, we do a killer fro-yo dance…we don’t always see eye-to-eye on things but I think she’s a forever friend…

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I got to hang out with Cool Chick last night…LOVED it…I am definitely someone who likes to just chill and talk…still not good at talking to people I don’t know (and of course she knows EVERYONE)…but it was nice to just be a single woman last night…not a mom, not an employee, not someone’s date…chilling, talking, laughing, and listening to music is my idea of a good time…and it’s refreshing to chill with someone who gets it…has been there, done that, and can be the example that I can do this…I can be a successful, professional woman, a great mom, AND still have a life with some fun in it…

I’ve got good friends…

 

Am I Intimidating?

I’m sure the answer to that question depends on who you ask…I’d like to think my friends would laugh hysterically and say hell no…

But it’s something that I’ve been thinking over for a couple of weeks now…

Several months ago, I was in a conversation with a male friend about, I believe, my constant worry that I was going to spend the rest of my life alone…if I remember the conversation right, I asked him how people viewed me…ok, how men saw me…his answer?

“Michaela, you walk around with a don’t fuck with me attitude, and it’s very intimidating.”

Wait, what? 

That comment has stayed with me ever since…part of me thinks, “Damn straight!”…another part is very confused…I know I’m often deep in thought which causes me to look and act serious…but unless I’m in a completely uncomfortable and new situation where I just want to disappear, I don’t think I walk around feeling that way…with my friends I laugh and talk…with people I’m not very close to, I’m usually smiling (at least)…and if I consider you a close friend, I’d like to think I’m very considerate, sweet, and loving (most of the time)…

And, now that I’m re-entering the single world (ok, whatever, I’ve jumped in with both feet and am having a pretty good time), I’m starting to think I might be a little intimidating…

Ok, so if you’ve followed my blog long enough, you know my opinion about boys and men.

Here’s what I’ve noticed…those of the male species who are willing to approach me are definitely what I would classify as men (though with a few dumb boy tendencies, but it’s all good)…they are dominant, often complete and total alpha males, fairly opinionated, and extremely straight forward…no guessing, no wondering, and when I speak my mind, they might not like it, but they don’t run from it either…there’s usually a maturity level there that I find extremely comforting…(and yes, I realize a man doesn’t have to be a domineering alpha to be a real man…I’m only commenting on the type that I seem to attract)…

And then there are those who my friends point out to me as someone who seems to be checking me out or is “obviously” interested…I say it like that because in my mind, if you aren’t talking to me, I have no clue how interested you really are and I assume you probably aren’t…but these guys shy away, won’t hold a conversation for more than a few minutes at a time, don’t initiate anything, whatever…so my first impression is that NO they really aren’t that interested…but I keep going back to what my friend said…and I have to ask…am I intimidating to some people? Especially those who aren’t the alpha male type?

Another friend has threatened to set me up with some of his friends…oh Lord is all I can say to that…in the course of the inquisition conversation about what I’m looking for, he decided that I need someone who’s “dominant like you are, Michaela.”  Um…is that how you see me, dude?  And is that a good thing?  Guess it depends on your perspective…

Maddeningly Independent or Stupidly Independent?

Life works in funny ways…I was pretty convinced of what I just had to blog about…until life intervened…

My afternoon has been an emotional roller coaster…Bubba (the piece of crap I drive) decided to do crazy things on my way home…According to the Step, it’s probably my water pump…really?!  I talked to the Step when I got home to get direction on what to do…I had to wait for Bubba to cool off before we could do anything…in the hour between phone calls (I was under orders to call back to get further instructions), all I could think about was how I was going to have a new water pump installed…and what the hell I was supposed to drive in the meantime…and and and…

And it never dawned on me to ask anyone for help…Big Brother called and when he asked how I was doing, I just said, “Fine.”  I have other friends, plenty of good friends…it never occurred me to call them, either…I know that the people who care about me and the boys would be there for us…and I just don’t lean well…

I had a long conversation with BBFF (boy BFF) and discovered that he had been on the hunt to try and solve my car problem for me…without ever saying a word…I reminded him that if he had shown up at my door with a car, I would have thrown a major fit…he didn’t care…

I don’t like to ask for help with small things…and I certainly don’t like to ask for help with the big things…part of it is because my parents raised me to be independent…part of it’s my basic personality…part of it is because I don’t ever want to be perceived as weak or incapable…and part of it is because of what some would call flawed thinking…

Here’s the thing…I asked for this divorce…wanted it, needed it, and have NO regrets…but I took myself out of a marriage where there was at least the appearance of having help and chose a life of being by myself…to me, that means I need to handle the issues that come along by myself…I know who I can call when I need an ear, I know who loves my children enough to help me with them, I know those things…but I never want to lean so hard that I wear those friendships out…so it’s easier to hardly lean at all…And it drives my friends crazy…what can I say, I am often maddeningly, stupidly independent…

Oh, and there is a possible solution to the Bubba problem.  If it comes to pass, I will write about it in a separate post…but know that my loved ones are forcing me to accept help…and I’m so desperate for a solution, I’m just damned grateful and am actually speechless about it…

Back In My Space

Ahhhh, it is so nice to be back in this space again…While I was out of town, I didn’t feel comfortable blogging personally since I was there to work…but I missed sitting at the keyboard figuring out my thoughts, getting them out, heavily editing them, removing the filter (a little), and working through what I need to work through.

I heard the best phrase about my blog the other day…somedays I’m up and somedays I’m getting up…

What are my other options? Sit down and cry? Stop trying? Stop pushing forward? Those options seem pretty crappy to me…and aren’t going to get me anywhere…

I just want to revel in the good in my life…

I’ve learned that I am not only addicted to Facebook, but I adore it…how else can you find (or be found by) and catch up with old friends from years ago?…how else can you connect with people that you might otherwise never meet? 

I’m of the opinion that there is a giant flashing sign over my head that reads, “Single (slightly lonely) woman here” with yellow and red arrows pointed at my head…metaphorically speaking, of course…am I giving off pheromones or something?  Not complaining, though…it’s sort of nice to feel like a woman sometimes instead of a mom, a daughter, a worker-bee, a doormat, and whatever else I am to people whenever they need me…

I’ve had philosophical discussions about life and love…I’ve had empty conversations about nothing much…I’ve connected on a business level with people, allowing myself to feel more like the professional that I know I am…I’ve connected on a personal level with people who I knew instinctively were the type of people I want to be around…

Life is as hard as it was a few days ago (who’s isn’t, right?)…but it’s still filled with possibility, hope, and (if I can let go of my cynical nature) dreams…I’m glad to be back in my space, figuring myself out in the only way I know how…now if I could just get the whole relaxation, vacation thing right, life would be almost perfect.