A New Chapter

I’ve been mulling over an idea for the past few days…and I’m still mulling…but I need to leap…I need to follow a dream…and be willing to work my ass off for it…

Every once in a while, I wonder in amazement at the changes I’ve gone through and the experiences I’ve had in the past 16 months, since February 13, 2011…I was becoming a different person in 2010 – the person I’d been before could never have left her husband…2011 was a year of turmoil, challenges, and changes…I’m halfway through 2012, and sometimes it doesn’t feel real…

I have only myself to depend on to get from day to day – and strangely, I’m ok with that…yes, I get lonely…yes, I get emotional…and yes, it can derail me from time to time…but overall, on the whole, I’m a strong woman…I’m raising two little boys – and they’re ok…I’m not warping them…they’re happy…they’re healthy…and that’s partly because of me…

I started this blog more than a year ago because I was overwhelmed by own feelings and emotions…I needed a way to sort through it all…I needed an outlet where I could let out my emotions…and believe me, there has been some word vomit – hell, I have an entire category titled “Word Vomit.”   This blog was my salvation…

Right now, I don’t need it for the same reasons I once did…I actually enjoy talking about the weird and funny crap the boys do more than I need to talk about how I’m feeling…not that I don’t sometimes need to work through something in my head – and this is still the best place for me to do that…

But what if my experiences could help someone else?  Make them realize that there is light at the end of the tunnel?  Let them know that whatever dark period they’re facing in life doesn’t last forever? I’m not the type to give advice to people I don’t know…I think that’s extremely presumptuous…advice to the people I know and love?  Well, that’s different – I know them, so clearly I know what’s best for them…ha!

My idea is two-fold…

I’m considering changing the direction of my blog…focusing less on myself and more on the boys and crazy crap they do…I know my life doesn’t revolve around motherhood and parenting…and eventually, I’ll be in some sort of relationship that will have it’s own brand of crazy that should probably be written about…but that would need the permission of the other person…and hell, if that ever happens, I could always change direction again, right?  But by and large, my life revolves around trying to be a single parent, provide for my children, and keep my sense of humor – all with little boys who are naturally funny…if I do change things up a little, it will be a while…I’ve got to figure out how to switch gears…so it may be a slow process…or hell, I may shock the crap out of myself and it won’t be hard to do at all…

And here’s the other part of my idea…I think I want to take parts of this blog and turn it into a book…in a perfect world, someone would walk up to me tomorrow and offer me a job where all I do is write for a living…but since that’s not going to happen, I guess I need to make my own opportunities in this life…and if some of what I’ve been through, experienced, discovered, and learned could help someone, why not?

I have no clue how long the process will take…I have no clue whether anyone than my mom and my YY will ever read the damn thing…but if I want to be a writer, the only way to start is to write…I don’t know how long it will take – 6 months, a year, longer?  I don’t know if I’ll ever make any money doing it…

But I do know one thing…when you start moving down the right path in life, doors seem to open up and opportunities appear to pop up out of no where…and nothing has seemed more right in a long time…and I need a new chapter in my life…

What Do I Want To Be When I Grow Up?

I’m in Washington DC this week for work – and I adore it.  The fact that I’m in DC, the fact that it’s for work (I have an amazing job, y’all), and the fact that it’s a kid-free week.  Yeah, I admit it – I don’t miss them yet.

I do have a great job.  I work in a cool industry.  I see an amazing amount of potential for me right where I’m at right now – and there are things I would love to do and accomplish and become…and yet…

I feel like I’m on the precipice of something…like the entire world is laid out before me, and whatever I can dream up, I can make happen…I can do anything…I can be anything…and the question becomes “What do I want to be when I grow up?”  Everything I’ve done since college was happenstance…I knew someone who loved my work ethic and could get me a job after college…I got tired of that (because I hated it) and found something else…I got laid off from that (budget cuts…the only reason I’ve ever lost a job was because of budget cuts) and found my current employer…none of my career decisions were strategic…none were entered into with fully-planned thoughts for the future…

And I want to change that…I want to work towards something…I want to build something for myself…I want to be in charge of my own destiny…Big Brother told me the other night that I have the ability to work hard for whatever I want in life…true that, Big Brother!  But what I need, according to him, is an ideas person…and I hate to admit it, but he’s right.

Before, it was a problem of not enough ideas…now, I have too many ideas…I want to do this…I want to do that…I could be this…I could be that…and how the hell do I pick?  Which one is the right one?

Here’s my perfect-world circumstances: I’d work for myself…I’d get paid to write…I’d stay in the world of social media, blogging, and whatever else is invented in the next five minutes…are the things I’m good at marketable skills? Would someone pay me to do what I do on their behalf?  I don’t know…but I have to figure out a way to find out…

But first, I have to decide what I want to be when I grow up…

Don’t Make Me Do Trimwork

I finally figured out something about myself that I’ve known instinctively, but have never been able to verbalize, and it’s in the form of an analogy…or is it metaphor? Crap, and I’m supposed to know this stuff…

Anyway, back in the day, when it was time to do a home improvement project, I always chose something big – paint the whole room, change all the flooring, whatever. When it came time to do the work, I was the one who wanted to take the roller and paint all the walls…I have no problem spending a few hours with primer and two coats of paint, busting my ass to get it done, sweating all over the place. Because when I’m done, I can step back and see progress, a big difference, a definite change…

But God, please don’t make me do the trimwork…please don’t make me deal with all the tiny details…I will procrastinate for days before I’ll work on it…and only if I feel obligated to do so…(Side note: for whatever reason, none of this applies to how I am at work…I pride myself on being a details person in the office, meticulous even – strange but true…).

So what has this revelation got to do with anything?

I had kind of a lightbulb moment today…baby steps are required for the changes I want to make…baby steps are the small little details…there is no giant paintbrush to take to my life, to make a sweeping change, so that it’s clear something is happening…

I am such a naturally impatient person that dealing with the small steps, the small details, required to make changes never seems like enough…which means I never even get started…which means I miss opportunities…there are so many things I want to do, have, be…and I’ve got to start doing what it takes to get there…

I know, intellectually, that if I do something small everyday that moves me in the direction I want to go, I will get there…I know that when I get there, I’ll look back and think that it didn’t really take that long…I know this…but God, I hate trimwork.

Life Is Life

Here’s something I know about myself…I take things (and people) very seriously…sometimes too seriously.  One rough day in life, at work, at home, you name it and any feelings of hope or optimism that I felt the day before vanish…today was that day…

As tired as I was yesterday, I still managed to clean, to accomplish things, to make plans, to feel hope about the future – on different levels…today…one rough day later, and I couldn’t even manage a decent conversation with BBFF…I was grumpy, I was anxious, I was mopey…I felt unappreciated…I felt unloved…I felt unimportant…nothing was good enough, nothing was right…life sucked…

Except it really doesn’t, and I know it doesn’t.  Life is life…good, bad, and ugly…when I stepped outside of myself and looked in, I saw how ridiculous I was being…it’s a day…one day…tomorrow will be better…or at least the same…even if it’s bad, it’s still ok…

I have things to look forward to…I have things to make happen…I have plans…I have dreams…I have a life to live.

Bogged Down and Plowing Ahead

I just wrote a blog post that I will probably never publish.  It felt good but it goes against my rule in my very first post.

I vented in a way that I can’t vent to Almost Ex.  I probably could but it would just start an argument. I didn’t realize how angry I am about what’s been happening lately.

Frankly, I’m hurt and I’m lonely.  But I have no regrets about my decision to get divorced.  In fact, the past few weeks have solidified my feelings.

This wasn’t what I wanted to talk about tonight.  I was coasting along just fine today – not spectacular, but not stick-your-head-in-the-oven bad, either.

I’m getting bogged down in the minutia…when what I want to do is dream big.  My Big Brother-from-another-mother keeps encouraging me, and he’s right.  I do want better for my boys.  I want better for myself.  My dreams of travelling, having adventures (with and without my boys), and experiencing the world won’t ever come true if I don’t set some pretty high goals (and then go after them and achieve them).

But how do you accomplish the big things when the small things become all-encompassing?  I want to go back to school, I want to freelance, I want to do more…but when I get home, I can’t get past figuring out what’s for dinner.  Some nights it’s all I can do to get the boys bathed and tucked into bed.  As Big Brother recently said, I’m running on adrenaline, sugar, and caffeine.  At what point will I crack?

That’s my fear, I think…I fear cracking and not being able to put the pieces back together.  I don’t know how to just stop and relax.  Or put my worries to the side and focus on the big, bad goals and dreams.  I just put my head down and keep on plowing ahead. What do I do when that’s not enough?