Walls All Around Me

I’m a person with walls…not sure how long I’ve been that way…probably my whole life…

Originally my walls were designed to keep people at a distance – because I trust no one…I think I even kept some of those walls up while I was married…sad but true…

Only one person has actually walked right through my walls, like they weren’t even there…and at the time, he acknowledged them, knew they were there, told me to drop them…with This Man, I made a conscious decision to take a chance and let him in…but he was already halfway through by the time I decided to let him in…funny how that works…

I have different walls now…it’s not about trust anymore – even though I still don’t trust people, as a general rule…they’re more of a shield now…

I’m tired of hurting or worrying or stressing…in an act of self-preservation, I slam up a wall between me and whatever is causing me pain…

What I realized today is once the wall is in place, it’s really hard to feel anything…and when the negative feelings manage to worm their way through a crack in my wall, it hurts worse than before…so basically all my stupid walls are doing is numbing me to a reality I just don’t want to deal with…

I know it’s not healthy…but I’m so tired of wanting what I can’t have…I’m tired of worrying all the time…I’m tired of hurting…at least this way I can function a little…

Self-Esteem Issues

I’ve had low self-esteem for most of my life…with my physical appearance…and today The Ex inexplicably touched that raw spot for me…

Because it all relates well with my journey to lose weight, I blogged about it on my other blog…yes, I have more than one…yes, this blogging thing is an addiction…

Instead of telling the same story twice, I figured I’d share my other blog with you…so, take a look, and let me know if I’m as crazy as I think I am…

Am I Really THAT Girl?

I realized today that I’m one of those women that men complain talk about when they say women say yes when they mean no…damn it…

For whatever reason, Mother’s Day has been on my mind a lot…there’s very little I can do for my own mom, but I will do everything I can to make sure she knows she’s loved and appreciated…the boys will do whatever projects the school/daycare offers and it will be very sweet…

But I haven’t been able to stop thinking about how The Ex (before he was The Ex) never made any holiday a priority, and especially not Mother’s Day…there were never gifts…there were never projects with the boys to help them make or do something…we didn’t have a lot of money, so sometimes, when I decided to make it clear I wanted something, I would ask for a clean house or dinner – guess how that went…no, go ahead…

And then I remind myself that I’m the one who, when asked, will tell people I don’t need a gift…don’t bother…don’t go to the expense…it’s not important…you name it…and in the moment, when I say that, I really do mean it…because I don’t think I’m worth the extra expense…I know how hard it is to hold onto money, so when asked, I will always demur and say no…

But, I don’t think I really mean it…I do want someone to think that the occasion is special enough that I deserve something…except deserve sounds so damn selfish…I want someone to disregard the no gift is necessary thing…ignore me and get me something anyway…except how can I expect someone to read my mind? And I really don’t like to be ignored…

The fact that I miss something I’ve never had seems to be my own fault…and I’m own worst enemy…

I can hear the advice now…but I don’t think this is just about me being able to ask for what I want…I think it’s also a matter of believing it’s ok for someone to spend money on me, to give me something I didn’t necessarily earn…

Why I’m preoccupied with this now that I’m single and it doesn’t matter, I don’t know…chalk that up to another confusing thing about women, I guess…

I Want, Part 2

Sometimes when I get something off my chest, I immediately feel better…ok, so sometimes I have to sleep on it, and then I feel better…

Yesterday wasn’t a horrible day, but talking about what was on my mind didn’t relieve any of the tension…today, I’ve felt lonely…loneliness is one of the worst feelings – and I’d like to think I’ve felt enough of crappy things in the past year to know…

A couple of weeks ago, I thought about what I wanted in life…and made a list…what I want right now, in this moment, is a little different…

I want someone to look at me with love in their eyes…

I want to hold hands…

I want someone who treats me gently – when I need it…

I want someone who wipes away the tears – and reminds me that it’s ok to cry…

I want my feelings to be considered…

I want to share my burdens…

I want to belong somewhere…with someone…

I want shared looks…

I want shared laughs…

I want intimate smiles…

I want what I can’t have right now…and it’s not even a matter of making it happen…

It’s the loneliness of my own life getting to me…it’s a fleeting feeling, I know that…being alone is not the worst thing in the world…of all the things I’ve experienced in the last year, this one is the hardest – not because it’s horrible…but because there’s no fixing it…I don’t want a random warm body just to fill the space, to fill the loneliness…

I can’t imagine that I’m the only single parent, hell, the only single person to feel like this…I wish I knew how other people handle it…I wish I knew how to cope better when it does start to get to me…most of the time, I just bury it down deep, because I try not to focus on things I don’t have control over…every once in a while, it rears it’s ugly head, and I’m not sure what to do about it…nothing I guess, except to write about it, and hope that the weight lifts…

I Want…

I’m not used to getting what I want…and I don’t think it’s a matter of “receiving” things…I think it’s a matter of figuring out what it takes to make those things happen for myself.

Whether selfish, thoughtful, or whatever, there are things I want in life (in an absolutely random order):

I want to go back to school.

I want to have more time with my boys.

I want to eat at nice restaurants.

I want to dance.

I want to shop – for clothes, jewelry, shoes, whatever.

I want to be surrounded by family.

I want a relationship that is a partnership.

I want to travel.

I want my boys to understand you don’t always get what you want in life.

I want to give my boys the world.

I want to be healthy.

I want to lose weight.

I want to look hot.

I want a haircut.

I want to go on a foodie roadtrip – Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives style.

I want to walk on the beach…alone, with someone else, either way.

I want to run again.

I want to learn how to want – you have no idea how long it took to make the list so far.

I want good health for myself and everyone I care about.

I want to laugh a big belly laugh…laugh until it hurts.

I want to fall asleep in someone’s arms.

I want to know I’m not alone in this life.

I want a cupcake…a good cupcake.

I’m nothing if not both deep in my head and goofy as hell. I’m not unique in my wants…and if I took more time, I could come up with more. Now I just have to figure out how to make it all happen.

Terms of Endearment

I’m a “baby” person, and God, no, I don’t mean children…that sounds pretty bad, huh? Um, I adore my children…well, usually..anyway…

For the entire 12 years I was with The Ex, the only time I ever called him by his given name was when I was angry with him…otherwise, he was “baby” or “babe” to me…and I was “baby” to him…we were baby people…a couple of times in the past year, I have come thisclose to slipping up when talking to him…

And here I am, dipping my toe into the big, scary world of relationships, and I have an issue (big shocker, I know)…I associate that word with The Ex…but its my preferred term of endearment…mentally, I keep trying others out and they just don’t feel right…

But I’m not a nickname person…This Man’s most common endearment for me is a nickname from high school – Kayla (my mom will love that)…and only he gets to call me that…well him and my YY, but that’s it (so don’t get any ideas out there)…

I call everyone (but YY) by their given name or at least how they introduce themselves to me…The Ex had about three variations of his name, and I was the first to call him by his given name (when I was mad because remember he was “baby” the rest of the time)…

So what the hell am I rambling about? I’m an endearment person…and I don’t know what to do…my preferred “baby” is still linked in my mind to The Ex…and the irrational part of me thinks I might jinx myself if I start using it…the weird part of me thinks it’s me going back to the past, and I need to avoid that like the plague…the sane part of me thinks I need to get over it because I’m a “baby” person and whoever I love is just going to be my baby…

A Digital Girl Living In A Digital World

For someone who proclaims herself a talker (the fact that I have two blogs and an idea for a third (sad but true) probably automatically makes me a talker), I really don’t like actually talking…on the phone at least – don’t tell my mom though…for all the times I’ve rambled for more than 30 minutes without taking a breath, she might not believe it…

If I could interact with the world completely through text and email, I would.  I’m just better at the written word.  When I speak, it never comes out like I hear it in my head – unless I’ve mentally prepared for whatever we’re talking about (“mentally prepared for” is code for “obsessed over”)…I’m not a naturally eloquent speaker…but I’m an excellent typer! I suck at small talk…I’ve gotten better over the years because I had to learn at least a little, but it’s not a natural thing for me…

It’s gotten so bad that I actually communicate better with This Man through email than I do over the phone.  If we were in the same physical space, it probably wouldn’t matter…part of my distaste for talking on the phone is that I can’t read body language and facial expressions – so that I know when to shut up or change the subject or whether my attempt at a joke actually worked…This Man is one of my rare exceptions to the phone thing…I’ll knock down a little old lady with a walker to get to the phone if I know he’s calling me…

Anyway back to living in the digital world…texting and email was invented for people like me – I don’t really want to physically speak but I want a quicker response than an actual hand-written letter. And while I know a letter received through the mail is really special to a lot of people, I mostly just view another piece of paper as clutter (I hate physical clutter, but have more digital clutter than is probably healthy)…please don’t make me have to hold on to another piece of paper.  But an email?  I have emails that I absolutely view as love letters and that I intend on keeping for as long as there’s a cloud.

I have every email This Man has sent me since September 2011 from mundane to magical.  And while I know he doesn’t always have time to email me (especially as often as I’d prefer being the prolific emailer that I am), every one that comes through sends shivers down my spine…I think I understand the feeling lovers used to get when they received a letter in the mail.  Maybe the rarity of his emails is what makes them so special.

Most people would roll their eyes at the idea of an email being special…or that an email could really be a love letter…we all send off so many emails that take less than a minute to compose everyday that emails aren’t special…so maybe, for me, it’s the intent…for This Man to take the time out of his day to stop, think about how he feels, type it out, and send it, is meaningful…and no, I’m not settling for less than I deserve…my emails from him are the same to me as love letters tied with a ribbon…I pull them out (virtually, of course) and re-read them – for different reasons…when I need reassurance that I’m not dreaming this, when I remember some point he made, but want to read the whole thing, when I miss him and need to feel close…

And there are digital love notes, too…not just sweet text messages, which of course are definitely love notes…but This Man sends me links to songs on YouTube…one day, I’d love to create a playlist of the music we’ve sent back and forth…just because each has a small meaning…most as simple as “I like this one and hope you do too” and some are more than that…

I’m pretty sure my grandmother could never imagine that we would one day go from keeping letters in a box under the bed to holding on to a text message with a YouTube link in it…but (for me at least) they are one and the same…

The Power Of…This

Because I clearly don’t have enough to do, I started another blog the other day…before you ask why I didn’t just incorporate that one into this one, and what am I doing, and where am I finding all this time (that’s easy, I have no life), and and and??

I appreciate your concern..love you too…but this blog serves one purpose, and the new one serves another purpose – and it’s already working…

This blog has gotten me through a rough year, and everyday I become stronger and more independent and learn something new…and that was the point…and I enjoy using this space to figure out my life “one day at a time…”

My new one? Losing the Final Forty is getting me through the craziness of trying to lose weight (again)…and it’s already working…last night I wrote about some of my issues with food, and reminded myself that I was raised to consider good food an occasion, a special moment in time…right now, I put pure crap in my body and consider it a luxury…?? One blog post later, and it was easy not to swing through drive thru tonight…that’s the power of this, whatever this is…

I’m a talker…I do it for a living (in many forms) and when I’m around other people, I can drive them nuts because I never stop talking…it’s pretty quiet in my house at night (after the boys are in bed, of course)…I guess this is my way of talking to anyone who will listen…my dad used to accuse of me talking just to hear myself talk…he was probably right…and I’m ok with that…

This Side of Valentine’s Day

So I’m a little late on the whole Valentine’s Day thing…I was busy…I was working…and as usual, that’s what kept me sane…

I learn things about myself all the time…and so far I’ve learned that holidays are important to me, even and especially Valentine’s Day…

For years, I didn’t care about Valentine’s Day, Christmas, even my birthday…I allowed it to just be another day in the year…even if I did something special for The Ex…well, them days are over, buddy…

When I grow up, I want romance, I want my special days to be important to my partner (that invisible imaginary man)…hell, I want flowers, gifts, whatever…take some time, spend a few dollars, let me know I’m important…

As I sit here, eating the boys’ Valentine’s candy, I’m glad I’m on this side of the holiday…if I hadn’t been working and travelling, I would have sat in my house, on my couch, reading love stories, drinking wine, and feeling sorry for myself…and I am sooooo glad that didn’t happen…

I’m ready to celebrate a much more important holiday now – President’s Day…not because I’m just that patriotic, hell no! I have the day off of work and Aidan has school…now that is a freaking holiday!

Leaps of Faith

Two posts in one day?!  Crazy, right?

I’ve got stuff on my mind…gotta get it out, I guess…

I admitted to BBFF today that my mind has been unnervingly blank lately…I can’t handle the things that stress me out…because I don’t think I have any control over any of it…so I’ve just stopped thinking about it…

That probably sounds sort of healthy, but it doesn’t seem healthy…because instead of focusing on other things and thinking about other things, I’m literally (and I do mean LITERALLY) thinking about nothing…there aren’t even crickets in my head, it’s so quiet…

But I think I’ve taken a leap of faith (of sorts) that I’ll figure things out as they come up…instead of worrying and stressing about things I have no control over and can’t seem to do anything about, I’ll just try to make the best decision I possibly can when the issue comes up…that almost sounds like I’ve grown up a little…but I think it’s more that my brain and heart can NOT take anymore…it’s a self-preservation thing

Why is it so quiet in my head?  If I refuse to let myself think about the things that bother me, stress me, scare me, and keep me up at night, why can’t I turn around and focus on something else, something positive?  And I think I have the answer, and it’s sort of depressing…I don’t feel like I have any control over my life right now…I can’t do anything to fix the problems…or at least I feel like I can’t…so I feel hopeless…how do I plan for a better future if I can’t figure out the present?

If I can take a leap of faith that I can stop worrying, why can’t I take the leap that it’s ok to plan for the future?

When I figure out the answer to that question, maybe that’s when I can start to move forward again…