My Shrinking World

I realized something today…and I don’t know whether I view it negatively or positively…my world has become very small…

I think my world was small long before I became aware of it…

My world is work, home, kids…work, home, kids…I see the positive – I’m focusing on the things that are important…I’m getting better at it all on a lot of levels…I’m not stressing about what I don’t have…

I see the negative, too – I’m not thinking big about anything…I’m not dreaming…I’m not hoping…sometimes, I think the “hope” has been beaten out of me…it’s scary to hope for something…it’s scary to leap…I’m good at solid and stable…I’ve played that role for a long time, and since I’m the only constant for the boys, it’s a role I’ll be playing for many more years…

Sometimes I wish I could jump and hope…screw up royally or be a screaming success, but either way, I hoped for something…that seems irresponsible as a single mom…I can’t afford to screw up the safe, stable, solid life I’ve built for the boys…even if it means my world is shrinking…

If I could dream big and expand my world? Let’s see…

• I’d own my own business…doing what I love and am good at…I’d get paid to communicate for living…I’d get paid to write…
• I’d run head first into love…I wouldn’t worry, I would over-think it…
• I’d travel around the world…I don’t even know where – I can’t think that big yet…
• I would speak my mind more often and follow my instinct…it all goes back to not over-thinking everything…

No complaints about the size of my world right now…as long as I don’t forget that I’m capable of expanding it…

 

Maybe I’m Okay With Change…

I have said before that I don’t like change…and I still believe that – to a certain extent…except…I think what I really don’t like is just changes in my routine…

I’m working on moving closer to work – less commute, less wear and tear on whatever I happen to be driving today, less time away from the boys…all good things…I’m dealing with a 90lb dog that needs a better home than I can give (which I hate to admit)……changes in Aidan’s in school and Sean’s daycare…pretty massive changes…and yeah, I’m a little tense about all of it, but I’m more excited than anything…

I’m excited about picking out a place based on my own needs (and of course the needs of the boys) without compromising with anyone on what’s best…I’m excited about being closer to my friends and work…I’m even a little excited about creating a new routine…

Everything I do now is based on what I’ve done for the past several years…I get up at a certain time, get ready in a certain way, drive a specific route, come home and do very specific things all based on routines created in the last few years…And now (eventually), I’ll have the opportunity to create something that’s just about us…with little basis on the past…that’s a pretty intoxicating thought…it moves me a little closer to being truly independent, I think…

Whatever I (we) do in the future will be based on what I create with the changes in our lives…I can live with that.

The Story of Sean

Sean’s story is as different from Aidan’s story as night and day…quite like Sean and Aidan…they are polar opposites.  Is that because I’m a different mother with Sean than I ever was with Aidan? Is it just how it goes with children? Hell if I know…but these two are completely different, so it makes sense that their stories, are too…

Today is Sean’s 2nd birthday…and I don’t necessarily celebrate the fact that I managed to keep him alive, like I do with Aidan…Sean, poor baby, is the typical second child – not as many pictures, not as big a fuss made over him, and, thankfully, not as many mistakes made…

I planned for Sean…the way I plan for everything – every last detail considered with five contingency plans in place.  Sean is the reason my mother refers to me as Fertile Myrtle…five minutes after I stopped taking birth control I was pregnant…three weeks later none of my clothes fit…one contraction into labor and I was demanding the epidural…6 hours of labor, there he was…

Sean is an absolute joy (Aidan is my moody, emotional child)…Sean lights up a room with his easy-going smile…tantrums are rare but hellified…his vocabulary grows by the second…he’s social…he sleeps through the night…he eats whatever I feed him…he naps for 2 hours at a time…if you’d like to know Aidan as a baby, picture the EXACT opposite of all of that…The Ex, mistakenly, thought (hoped) conceiving Sean was going to be a long drawn out process…nope.  Done in less than a month…no fuss, no muss – just like Sean.

For 25% of Sean’s life, I’ve been split from his father…he knows his “Da-da” but it’ll never be quite like Aidan does…

I have actually had people (including some in my family) ask why I ever had Sean…well, obviously 2 years and 9 months ago, I wasn’t considering divorce (even though, apparently I should have been if my friends and family are any indication)…but none of that matters.  I can’t imagine my life without both of my boys. 

When Aidan is stormy, Sean is all sunshine…when Sean is angry, Aidan (if he’s not also angry) will do anything to bring his baby brother out of his bad mood…while Aidan is made completely out of PopTarts and chicken nuggets, Sean wants to eat whatever is on my plate…Aidan sleeps on his back with his hands behind his head, and Sean sleeps like me – curled up on his stomach, holding his pillow…

Sean adores, loves, CRAVES Thomas the Tank Engine…”Thomath, Thomath, my Thomath” is a familiar refrain in our house…the weekends are ruined if there isn’t a Thomas DVD playing (last weekend, thanks to Tropical Storm Lee preventing us from going to the library, was hell on earth with no Thomas DVD)…

Sean is my laid-back child…and I’m so grateful to have him and his big brother in my life.

So How Do I Feel?

Hell, I still don’t know.

This morning, while I was driving to work, I started to smile for no reason…I was thinking about officially being single, and I couldn’t help it…a little smile just appeared…

Immediately followed by every fear and insecurity I possess.  Man, that’s a downer. So I just put it out of my head.

It’s a surreal feeling to be married and in the next instant to NOT be married…and nothing has actually changed.  Maybe once I get my name legally changed, I’ll feel like things are different.

I’m realistic about some stuff (read: cynical) – I am a single woman with two children…that’s not exactly a high selling point.  While I have lost a lot of weight over the past few years, and look the best I’ve ever looked in my adult life, I still have the body of a woman who has given birth to those two children…so no swimsuit model over here.  And yeah, yeah, yeah, looks aren’t important, blah blah blah…

Looks aren’t important, but first impressions are everything.

So no, I still don’t know how I feel…I don’t know when I’ll celebrate…I don’t even know when I’ll get my next tattoo (which was supposed to happen once the divorce was finalized)…but it’s all good.  I won’t be sick forever, and maybe once the crud goes away, I can focus on this a little more…because I wouldn’t want to waste an opportunity to overanalyze the situation!

Raising Boys #6

I love the way their eyes light up when I’m reading a book to them…I love the way they compete for who will get to sit closest to me…I even love it when Aidan whines, “No fair!” when I let Sean sit on my lap while Aidan is snuggled up as close as he can get to my side…

Sean wants to hear any story involving a train…but if I answered every, “A dat?” (What’s that), we’d still be reading the same book from this morning…Aidan doesn’t really have a preference in books when I’m reading…I think he just wants to be close…personally, I prefer Dr. Seuss books…I really get into those…I love the tempo and meter of Dr. Seuss…I love the made-up words…

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“Mom, can I help you clean?” Suuuuure!  Today I handed Aidan the mop, and he went to town…Was it the cleanest it’s ever been, hell no, but I wasn’t going to re-do it…he put his heart and soul into mopping that floor…but ask him to clean his room?  Forget it!

“I hep! I hep!” Sean took a little screwdriver to the back of the dryer while I was trying to finish up the repair job (I replaced the heating element today!!!) He was too precious! And I can’t help but wonder just how long this phase will last (Aidan never went through the helping stage.)

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I hurt for them when they ask for their dad…I just tell them he’s working…that’s probably the truth, because hell, I don’t know…everytime I drive past the park near the house, Sean yells, “Da-da! Da-da!” because he associates that park with Almost Ex…that’s where he takes them everytime he’s in town…

Aidan finally stopped asking if Almost Ex and I were going to live together again…but he tells me that he’s never moving out…and that if he moved out it would be because we don’t love each other anymore…I have to explain to him that it doesn’t work that way with moms and sons…I hope he understands by the time he’s 18…

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I have to admit – they constantly amaze me.

I Don’t Like To Go To Bed

I didn’t like going to bed as a kid because I was pretty convinced I was missing something.  That and I had such an early bedtime that in the summer, it was still daylight at bedtime! Are you kidding me?!

I didn’t like going to bed when I was pregnant with both boys because it was too hard to get comfortable…I’m a stomach-sleeper and at a certain point in pregnancy, it’s like sleeping on a basketball…

I don’t like it now for completely different reasons.  I try to go to bed at a decent time because I know I need sleep to function during my crazy busy days at work…and my crazy busy nights at home.  But I usually don’t go to bed until late…and then I don’t sleep.

Even though I am exhausted at the end of the day, I don’t sleep at night…at least not immediately.  I think and think and think…it’s the only time of day when the negative thoughts, the loneliness, the fear, all of it, creep in…and I’m up, thinking, until finally my eyes just can’t stay open.  Because I want to avoid all of the crap, I tend to stay up – doing nothing.  The TV is on – I’m not watching it…Facebook is up – I’m not talking to anyone (for various reasons, I’m sure)…my book is open – I’m not reading it.

I hate the sadness (even though I know I have to go through this in order to move forward)…I hate the fear…I hate the loneliness…ok, so I’m not unusual in any of that…who likes feeling that way?  I hate it more that it appears at a time when I am least able to battle it…during the day, I’m way too busy to worry about stupid stuff…during the weekend, when my children are running me ragged, it’s definitely not a priority…but the one time of day I have to relax, and there it is…the stuff I’d like to pretend isn’t lurking under the surface…

The smartass part of me is tempted to say, “Yeah, there will definitely be a day that I won’t mind going to bed.” Wink, wink. Nudge, nudge.  In my mind, that feels very false…I don’t even have the energy to let my smartass side win…because I know when I lay (lie?) down tonight, the cycle will start all over again…

Nothing To See Here…First Video

Ok, so I’ve recorded my first video “blog”…there’s really nothing to see, but if you would like a good laugh at how uncomfortable I am in front of the webcam, take a look…hopefully this gets easier the more you do it…

I have no clue how often I’ll record myself…I can’t imagine it taking the place of actually writing – I just enjoy it too much to stop.  But it’s another form of communicating with whoever cares to hear what I have to say…