Back In My Space

Ahhhh, it is so nice to be back in this space again…While I was out of town, I didn’t feel comfortable blogging personally since I was there to work…but I missed sitting at the keyboard figuring out my thoughts, getting them out, heavily editing them, removing the filter (a little), and working through what I need to work through.

I heard the best phrase about my blog the other day…somedays I’m up and somedays I’m getting up…

What are my other options? Sit down and cry? Stop trying? Stop pushing forward? Those options seem pretty crappy to me…and aren’t going to get me anywhere…

I just want to revel in the good in my life…

I’ve learned that I am not only addicted to Facebook, but I adore it…how else can you find (or be found by) and catch up with old friends from years ago?…how else can you connect with people that you might otherwise never meet? 

I’m of the opinion that there is a giant flashing sign over my head that reads, “Single (slightly lonely) woman here” with yellow and red arrows pointed at my head…metaphorically speaking, of course…am I giving off pheromones or something?  Not complaining, though…it’s sort of nice to feel like a woman sometimes instead of a mom, a daughter, a worker-bee, a doormat, and whatever else I am to people whenever they need me…

I’ve had philosophical discussions about life and love…I’ve had empty conversations about nothing much…I’ve connected on a business level with people, allowing myself to feel more like the professional that I know I am…I’ve connected on a personal level with people who I knew instinctively were the type of people I want to be around…

Life is as hard as it was a few days ago (who’s isn’t, right?)…but it’s still filled with possibility, hope, and (if I can let go of my cynical nature) dreams…I’m glad to be back in my space, figuring myself out in the only way I know how…now if I could just get the whole relaxation, vacation thing right, life would be almost perfect.

Acting Like A Girl

Eebee told me I was acting like a girl this morning…I think she meant that because I was giggling about something.  I’m not exactly known for giggling…I laugh obnoxiously, I chuckle, I might even snort (usually my drink through my nose) if something is funny enough…but giggle?  Me? This morning I did…

This has happened a couple of times before, and it’s happening again…I’m just happy…well, content…well, not freaking out…either way, I’m a little more relaxed…I’m smiling a lot more…I’m worrying a little less…I’m feeling good…I’m not worrying about the things I can’t control…hell, I’m not worrying about the things I can control, for that matter…

I’ve decided I love Facebook…I already knew I was addicted, but I believe this may be love…I keep connecting and re-connecting with people…people from my past, people from my present…I can’t always be with the ones I care about but social media let’s me stay in touch in small ways…and well, that makes me smile too.

If smiling and giggling makes me a girl, I’m good with that.

Celebrating My Way

I never have been one to do things the way other people do them…I’ve noticed that about myself.  I have to take the hard road more often than not…if something seems too easy, I don’t trust it…sad but true…

So of course, I can’t even do the good things the way other people might do them…guess that’s what makes me unique (or something like that)…tonight I am sitting in my house with two small sleeping (thank GOD!) children, drinking a glass of wine, talking to friends and family on the phone and in Facebook, and truly celebrating my single-ness. 

I’m not celebrating the divorce…divorces are sad (so I’ve been told)…I’m celebrating a new chapter…a new beginning…and as always, I’m doing it my way…the day will come when I can let go the way I need and want to, until then, though, I will create my own happiness and my own memories in the only way I know how – my way.

I don’t know what the future holds…I don’t know if I’ll find “the one” or if I’ll be the crazy cat lady or if I’ll wind up a cougar (hopefully a hot one instead of a scary one)…I have no idea…and for the first time in my life, I’m sort of okay with that…it’s a new day…a blank slate…my future is unwritten and it’s up to me to fill the pages.

I care about my boys, my family, and my friends…I have no time or patience for…well, for bullshit…I’ll take genuine friendship over false relationships any day…if you want to celebrate with me, raise your glass…it is a new day in the life of Independent Michaela…

Raising Boys #7

Someone called me a good mom today…and of course, I was flattered…I don’t know how good I am at it…but I do take it seriously.  Being the only caretaker, the only constant parent in their lives, isn’t easy and I know I get bogged down in bedtimes and routines sometimes.  Thankfully, they are sweet little boys who bring out my lighter side, too…

“Thomath! Thomath! I wan Thomath, Ma-ma!”  That would be Sean…who still adores Thomath Thomas. He has Thomas pajamas, Thomas books, a Thomas pillow, several Thomas trains…and being the sweet baby that he is, has managed to charm the daycare into playing a Thomas movie every single afternoon. I know what he’s getting for HIS birthday…

Aidan is my moody boy who forgets he’s 6 and thinks he’s grown some days.  The looks, the ‘tude, the whole thing…and I haven’t shipped him off anywhere yet, so we’re doing well.  And then there is today…

He was very upset when I made him wait in the car while I picked up Sean from daycare…it was raining like crazy, and I didn’t need all three of us to be soaked.  He was mad because he wanted to keep the umbrella (the Superman umbrella) over my head so I wouldn’t get wet…when I made it back to the car with Sean, he opened up his umbrella and held it over Sean’s head while I got him in the car.  While I was running around to get in, he opened up my door as I walked up…

I sometimes forget how happy they make me…until they act like silly little boys…when we’re dancing, singing, or making silly noises, I can’t help but laugh helplessly…this may seem a little strange, but sometimes I get the feeling that they’re trying to make me smile and laugh…if they are, it works.

I’m not sure how I managed to have two of the sweetest boys ever, but I’m not complaining…

I Am Doing it ALL Wrong

I’ve been single, divorced, whatever, since August 8…and I have yet to take a single moment and reflect, laugh, celebrate – pick something but I haven’t done it.  No one has celebrated with me…my entire family was in town for the weekend, and it was only discussed briefly. My friends are too busy or too far away.  And it’s still illegal to put your children on shelf so you can go out at night…

But I’m doing this wrong.  So I can’t run off the New Orleans (yet) with Eebee for the big celebration.  Ok.  So I can’t buy myself a cake (or even a cupcake) because I’m trying not to eat that stuff right now. Ok. So my life didn’t actually change all that much (except for the name thing). Ok. None of that is relevant.

I have to mark this occasion with something…as sad as a divorce can be (it is the death of a marriage), it’s also a new, completely unwritten chapter in my life.  I am a single woman…for the first time in my adult life.  This is new territory…this is a blank slate…this is me deciding that I will NOT be the cat lady (note to self: do not buy a cat…EVER.).

I have come to a decision…Saturday night I will sit in my house and do SOMETHING to commemorate this new beginning.  I don’t care if it’s me, a bottle of white zinfandel, and noise makers, but I will mark the occasion.  It will probably be me, the wine, and a noisemaker…but it’s all good.  What I’ve learned (and am still learning) through this whole process is that you have to create your own moments, your own happiness, your own memories…you can’t depend on the world to take care of those things for you…if you do, you’ll be sitting around waiting on nothing. 

If you want to celebrate with me, even if you’re half-way across the world, have a drink with me Saturday night – wine, kool-aid, or whatever.  Even if it’s virtual, the moment should be shared.  I am on my way…there will be bumps, bruises, sad times, stressful times, and everything else, but it’s life on my terms and it deserves a good start.

 

Thanks, Captain Obvious

Here it is, Monday night, and I am still recovering from the weekend…and no, not because it was some wild party (I wish)…the family got together for the weekend…which is always good, but it’s also exhausting…

My family is extremely small…the joke is that if we hadn’t gotten married, we’d be non-existent…ironically, I just wiped out a third of my “family” with one little divorce.  I’m an only child, and several immediate family members have died over the years, so literally, it’s just me, my mom, and my aunt…that’s it. 

My stepfather came with my mom this weekend – which is always good because I learn how to fix something new everytime he comes.  I could have figured out a few things about what’s under the hood of Bubba, but it was nice to have someone point it all out to me…unfortunately for me, I now need to keep oil and antifreeze with me at all times…fun times.

I’ve decided my mother has a type when it comes to men – she managed to find and marry the two most opinionated men on the planet in one lifetime.  First my dad and then about 7 years ago, the Step.  It’s endearing when it’s your father…it’s maddening when it’s not. The Step thinks he’s always right…he’ll even say it out loud…where other people can hear him.

This weekend should have been more celebratory…I’m divorced from someone that apparently everyone who ever loved me, liked me, or even tolerated me didn’t think I should be married to…but no, no celebration…

We had a family council of sorts…trying to figure out Michaela’s problems…which ended up being an hour long conversation where everything that’s wrong in my life that needs to be fixed was listed…with not one solution offered.  When I suggested a solution, it was pretty much argued out of existence…

So basically, it was the most depressing conversation of my life…with no positive outcome, no creative problem-solving, no hope given.  I should feel completely hopeless about my life after that little pow-wow.  Fortunately for me, I’m too busy raising my children and (barely) keeping my head above water to dwell on how miserable I should be…I’ll be miserable some other day…today, I’ve got stuff to do.

 

The Miracle of Mashed Potatoes

Two shots in the butt and a giant bowl of mashed potatoes and gravy later, and I feel so much better, it’s amazing. 

I barely slept last night…woke up, needed to swallow, physically braced myself for the pain, swallowed, rolled over…repeat every 15 minutes…ALL night. This is all while my ears are literally on fire and the only relief is the pressure of laying on that ear…but since both ears hurt, only one side at a time got any relief…every 15 minutes…ALL night.

I woke up this morning, starving, but knowing I would need something I could suck through a straw…and the idea of swallowing even a smoothie made me cringe – because I’m damned tired of them and because it would still hurt…and so mentally worn down from being sick all week that I was near tears on my drive to work (and I really hate that)…I was tired of hurting, tired of being hungry all the time, tired of forcing myself to be at least at the 90% mark from morning to night, TIRED of freaking smoothies and milkshakes…yeah, it was a total pity party…

I had hit my breaking point…and I finally went to the doctor.  Ok, so you’re wondering why the hell I didn’t go earlier?  Well, Tuesday, when I called in sick, I literally slept ALL day…by the time I woke up, I had to pick up the boys…and I had to convince myself to get out of the bed to do that! And yes, my co-workers and boss would have understood if I had taken a day to go to the doctor…but the mound of work is already so high everyday…a day or two away, and I’m drowning in it (more than usual)…

But this morning, I was over it.  This was for the birds!  So I went to work, delegated about a million things, informed everybody that I was going to immediate care, and I didn’t know or care how long it was going to take, but I would be back to finish my big-big-had-to-be-done-today-no-other-option task. Two hours and two shots later, I was back. 

When I complained about needing something to eat (I only took 5 sips of that stupid smoothie all day), someone suggested mashed potatoes and gravy…and I swear to you the Hallelujah chorus started playing from the sky…it was brilliant! And why the hell hadn’t I thought of it earlier?  So that was lunch…and apparently, my meds kicked in about the same time I ate, because I felt SO good…I still hurt, I’m still sick…but it’s SUCH an improvement…so yay for shots to the butt and mashed potatoes with gravy.

On a side note, this has been a great way to lose weight…but I don’t think I should consider being sick an official weight loss plan.

 

So How Do I Feel?

Hell, I still don’t know.

This morning, while I was driving to work, I started to smile for no reason…I was thinking about officially being single, and I couldn’t help it…a little smile just appeared…

Immediately followed by every fear and insecurity I possess.  Man, that’s a downer. So I just put it out of my head.

It’s a surreal feeling to be married and in the next instant to NOT be married…and nothing has actually changed.  Maybe once I get my name legally changed, I’ll feel like things are different.

I’m realistic about some stuff (read: cynical) – I am a single woman with two children…that’s not exactly a high selling point.  While I have lost a lot of weight over the past few years, and look the best I’ve ever looked in my adult life, I still have the body of a woman who has given birth to those two children…so no swimsuit model over here.  And yeah, yeah, yeah, looks aren’t important, blah blah blah…

Looks aren’t important, but first impressions are everything.

So no, I still don’t know how I feel…I don’t know when I’ll celebrate…I don’t even know when I’ll get my next tattoo (which was supposed to happen once the divorce was finalized)…but it’s all good.  I won’t be sick forever, and maybe once the crud goes away, I can focus on this a little more…because I wouldn’t want to waste an opportunity to overanalyze the situation!

It’s Official

My plan for today’s blog was to whine about how sick I am and how miserable I felt all day (when I wasn’t sleeping) and blah blah blah. One trip to the mailbox changed all of that.  Almost 6 months to the day I told Almost Ex (now The Ex) that I wanted a divorce, it’s final…it’s official…it’s real.

It’s anticlimactic at best.  The heavens didn’t part…lightning didn’t strike…there was no ticker tape parade with fireworks.  It’s just another day.  I find it hilarious that it’s on a day when I’m the sickest I’ve been in ages.

Of course, the calls and text messages went out to those who are closest to the situation.  And they are very happy for me.  When I talked to The Ex tonight, he sounded more excited than I am…excited isn’t the word to describe me.  Satisfied, relieved…those are good words. Nothing really changes for me right now.  Except it’s time to start the fun process of changing my name on everything.

Just like with everything else, I’m not 100% sure how I’m supposed to feel.  I know my big fear is that I will end up a cat lady.  Everyone assures me I won’t, but I know I’m not the easiest person to love, so I think it’s a possibility that I should consider.  And although I worry about being The Cat Lady, I’m certainly not worried about a committed relationship right now.  Since The Ex told me he’s in love with his new girlfriend, I’m a little cynical about relationships, as you can imagine.

I’m not woe-is-me…but I’m not ready to run out and celebrate…I think that’s because I’m so damn sick right now.  I’ve never in my life felt my glands to know if they were swollen…oh, they’re swollen and they hurt to the touch! I was worried that by sleeping 8 hours today, I wouldn’t be able to sleep tonight…that’s not going to be a problem at all.

So tomorrow may be different, and I may be ready for that divorce cake.  Mmmm, cake.

Girl Power

I talk about it a lot, but I’m still amazed at the things I can do on my own…

Today was a day for muscle-flexing…I have been so fed up with Aidan’s room lately…it’s not his fault – it’s no messier than any other 6 year old’s room (I hope)…but the walls are green…putting green, to be exact…Aidan adored green when he was 4…and I was overly indulgent…but it’s not just that, it’s his carpet. 

When Almost Ex and I bought the house, we knew we would need to replace the carpet – it’s original to the house (20 years!!)…I can’t get Aidan’s floor clean enough anymore…so this morning, I decided to rip up the carpet…which forces me to do something about the room…I can’t have an unfinished room…

At 9:00 a.m., I started ripping and pulling and tugging…and moving furniture…the carpet came up easily (it is 20 years old)…the padding was even easier…and yes, this might not be news to some, but I’ve never done this…the carpet tack (is that the word, I want?) was a little more challenging, but an hour later, it was done.

Hauling the carpet out was the worst, but by the time I got it to the curb, I was ready to beat my chest and do a touchdown dance in my front yard…Hell YEAH, I did that…I know, I know, it’s just carpet…but it started the whole day right…and reminded me that I am physically strong (ok, sort of)…I moved furniture, I moved carpet…and yeah, it would have been easier and faster with help, but who cares?!

I’m one of those annoying people who appreciates offers of help, but rarely accepts them…I feel like I need to be strong enough, independent enough, efficient and proficient enough, to handle everything on my own…it’s physically hard for me to ask for help or even accept it…so when I can prove to myself and the world that I am capable of doing something hard on my own, it’s very gratifying…it will also make me an absolute joy for some brave man one day…someone should start praying for that future mystery person now…

Today was a day for girl power…I don’t need no damn body!  I got this! (This is where I mentally beat my chest and grunt and all sorts of ridiculous things.) 

I think this is what I’m going for (at least for today):